Women Are Not Your Window Dressing

A couple of weeks ago, an internet stranger kindly informed me that I should take all the “ugly” stuff out of my album because it detracted from the pictures of my face. I told him I was primarily built out of personality traits, not skin and teeth, but this proved too complex a point for him to grok. He wasn’t the first, of course. Two years back, another internet stranger told me my new avatar was not to his liking and if I didn’t change it, he wouldn’t send me a friend request. I wept for days after that because the mere thought of some dude I’ve never met being left off my friends list put me in a state of infinite grief from which I will surely never recover. How would I survive without his (clearly loyal and superior) internet friendship?

That kind of behaviour belongs in the shit heap next to dinner guests who tell you your décor sucks and they won’t come over again unless you change it.

Oh, wait. I’ve never met anyone rude and entitled enough to say that. Apparently, such men can only act like assholes when they’re hiding behind their modems. It takes a whole lot of courage to be a douche to a teeny 5 ft. 5 woman in person, you know. She might just eye roll you to death, and then what will your mother think about all the smut she finds in her basement while preparing for your funeral?

I’ve prepared a handy questionnaire that could save you all that trouble:

> Do you take special photo requests from men you didn’t know even existed until a minute ago?

Nope.

> What if I really need to see your bewbs as a matter of urgency?

I’m not a Christmas decoration.

> What if you’re not smiling and my pet rock just died, and if I don’t see a happy face I will jump off the steep edge of my chair?

Not even in exchange for a bowl of strawberries and Nutella.

> What if you’re wearing Crocs? Can I spare you embarrassment?

If I’m wearing Crocs, then I’m lying in my coffin wearing the unwise style choices of my big sister. If that’s the case, I’m probably also wearing a tent masquerading as a dress.

> So if you’re wearing a tent, then can I suggest a wiser choice of dress?

Not a fuck.

Women are not your window dressing. We don’t exist to give you something to look at.