As Always, My 100% Accurate Horoscopes for 2025

Aquarius: You will almost certainly do a fair bit of walking from one place to another this year. A handsome stranger will spot you in a supermarket queue, but will probably not bother talking to you because that’s life. Sorry.

Aries: Your year will be an emotional one, with plenty of time spent above ground. If you’re single, you’ll spend even more time in 2019 being single, but if you’re in a relationship, you will enjoy the longevity of that romance for a minimum of one more hour.

Cancer: A stranger will try to win favour with you by predicting your future. On that day, you must give her a cupcake.

Capricorn: Use your eyes and ears to detect what’s going on around you, and you will avoid being hit by trains. This year you will have conversations with men and women, and you might spend some money. You can avoid that part of your horoscope entirely by handing over all your funds to a psychic who writes 100% accurate zodiac predictions.

Gemini: The spirits are talking to me, so just be quiet for a second.

<crickets>

They’re giving me the letter “G”.

Hold on a sec. I’m getting an “e” and an “m”. And also an “i”. Are you Gemini by any chance? Banzai! I knew it. You will definitely continue to be a Gemini for the rest of the year. Congratulations.

Leo: Holy hell. How many star signs are there? This is way too time consuming.

Libra: Be careful of psychics. They will try to make stuff up to impress you. Rather live your life without looking to the future, for tomorrow is a secret, and today is a gift. Namaste.

Pisces: Today, you will look around you and see people walking around like regular people. They will know they’re people. They’ll be everywhere. <shiver>

Sagittarius: The planetary configurations have been pushing you to hire a psychic from Cape Town.  Call 0800 SPANISHRED

Virgo: This year, a long-awaited romance will pass you by without your ever knowing it was even a possibility. Have fun proving me wrong.

Scorpio: Aha! This is my star sign so this should be fun. You will definitely get laid every day of 2019, and the boyfriend you find will have an abnormally high preference for giving away his Nutella. If you’re into women, go to one of the other star signs because this one is currently occupied. If you don’t like shoes and Nutella, you’re probably a Leo or something anyway.

Taurus: I used up your word count on the Scorpio prediction. Sorry. You can’t have a horoscope.