It's Bad Sex in Fiction Week!

Every year the literature scene gives out The Bad Sex in Fiction Awards. Here's one of the top contenders:

and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.

When I said “bad” I meant really, really bad. Here. Have another:

Her mouth was intensely ovoid, an almond mouth, of citrus crescents. And under that sling, her breasts were like young fawns, sheep frolicking in hyssop – Psalms were about to pour out of me.
“Vous?”
“Josh,” I said.
“Vous habillé.”
“Je vais me undressed, clothes off, unhabillé, déshab.”

Many great authors win the award. Even Tom Wolfe has been a contender. Here’s what bagged it for him:

Hoyt began moving his lips as if he were trying to suck the ice cream off the top of a cone without using his teeth ... Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns ... "

How do these excerpts fail? Let me count the ways:

Why are we using words like “otorhinolaryngological caverns” when ears and mouths would have done the job better?
Why are we describing erections as “bulbous salutations”?
Why are we being so melodramatic about sex that we have psalms pouring out of us?
Why are we using flocks of sheep to describe sex when they don’t even vaguely resemble sex or nudity?
Why are we being pretentious enough to bring random French into a sex scene in an English book?
And why are we so embarrassed to refer to our bodies in ordinary language instead of shying away from the truth with breasts that look like young fawns?

Most importantly, why do respected authors become horrendous the moment sex scenes come around? It would seem that these writers are embarrassed about their own content. They’re covering up their shame with dramatic, clumsy, inept imagery.

This week we’re going to talk about <drum roll> bad writing habits. And we’re going to do it exclusively through The Bad Sex in Fiction Awards. Excellent.