Masochist's Pride is a Lot Like Bad Poker

In any game of poker, there’s that one asshole at the table who bets every chip he has on every hand, even the losing ones. To most players, this is good news--if you play carefully, you can win a huge pot without even trying. Not me, though. I get my revenge with the ingenious strategy of losing every practical thought in my brain and betting all my chips on my own losing hands.

“Take that mother fucker!” 

And then I promptly lose all my chips. Obviously, because that’s what happens when you do stupid things.

I’m exactly the same with masochism. You want to hit me with that flogger made out of glass shards and satan’s tears? Oh yeah? I’ll get my revenge on you for even asking by… by… by letting you! Take that, mother fucker!”

I bet every chip of my masochist’s pride on stupid things. Then I promptly lose all my “chips” crumpled on the floor drowning in my own tears. This would be perfectly ethical if I was the only one getting hurt, but sadomasochism is an experience for two or more people and, amazingly, I’m only one of them.

If you’ve ever held the limp body of a sick infant, you will know that others’ pain is far more agonising than your own. This is what I’m signing my sadist up for when I ignore my own pain limitations--and that's if I don't get seriously harmed. And this is one of many ways a bottom can violate a top’s consent: one stupid chip of masochist’s pride at a time.

We speak so much about our subs’ and bottoms’ trust that we forget we’ve got to earn trust, too. Our sadists aren’t made of demons’ blood and barbed wire. Most of them are as vulnerable as we are, and they count on us to show them where our capacity to cope meets their capacity to mete out punishment. If we don’t do that, we’re unsafe to play with.

For tops, not violating consent is a relatively uncomplicated, outward-facing job. Heed limits. Respect safe words. Play safely. None of this is going to win us any Nobel Prizes. For bottoms, it’s as inward-facing as it is out. Self-knowledge is the wooden block right at the bottom of the Jenga tower. Without it, the entire construct comes tumbling down.

Poker, like life, requires you to keep your character flaws under tight control. Masochism, like poker, requires you to keep your human frailties under your own thumb. Failing to do so can be catastrophic.