It doesn’t matter that some men don’t rape. It matters that we rarely enjoy an extended period without sexual violence.

Tears Animal Rescue has a dog feedback form to help kennel managers understand their behaviour. One of the questions is, “Is the dog reactive to men?” At any given time, we have several dogs who are only terrified of the male of the species. It’s never the women.

Dogs aren’t bigots. They’re not prone to contempt or judgement. Nor can we accuse them of having a “victim mentality.” Their fear has nothing to do with misandry. They've been assaulted by men, so they’re scared of men. It’s a psychological reaction that all animals experience in response to stimuli. Humans are no different, not even men.

Yesterday I came upon a troop of baboons in a reserve, but unlike those in the suburbs, they didn’t bare their teeth at us. They were so comfortable with our presence that they let us walk through the centre of their troop. This would never happen in my suburb. The baboons here have learned that humans are not to be trusted, so they’re ready to kill.

The response (fear) follows the stimulus (threat). The fear is not a causative factor, nor the product of contempt.

Women are scared and angry because they’ve been assaulted, groped, and abused. Men are the dominant cause—not the entire sex, of course, so you can put your “not all men” comment away, but enough to fuel our fear.

Seven months ago, I moved to a low-crime area. An impossible sense of calm descended on me. Suddenly, I could walk to the shop without being threatened. Over the months, I slowly began to trust male strangers in the streets again. I stopped watching for impending violence and began responding when they spoke to me. They say you can’t forgive an ongoing wrong, but you can’t let go of an ongoing threat either. My fear was no longer ongoing, so I could let it go.

That's a good a sign as any that misandry didn’t create my fear. Legitimate threats did.

When you’re exposed to aggression and misogyny every day, fear and anger become a part of your daily experience. You have no room to heal or forgive. You have to keep your guard up because your next threat might be waiting outside your door right now.

That doesn’t mean you hate men. It doesn’t mean you’re playing the victim. It only means you're under threat every day.

Our traumatised dogs usually heal eventually. Women introduce the dogs to male volunteers, who ultimately earn back their trust. The dogs grow more confident, and suddenly they’re play fighting and getting the zoomies. If one person loses the dog’s trust, though, their recovery moves all the way to the beginning again.

This is how women experience rape culture. We recover, but then someone loses our trust. Our recoveries move all the way to the beginning again, and the pattern repeats eternally. It doesn’t matter that some men don’t rape. It matters that we rarely enjoy an extended period without sexual violence.

You
Can’t
Forgive
An ongoing
Wrong.

You can’t
Let go
Of an ongoing
Threat.

We don’t hate men. We hate violence. Like shelter dogs, we’ve repeatedly learned those who threaten us are almost always men. We aren't the problem. We just haven’t been given the room to recover.