When all the toys are put away, sadists must face themselves in the mirror.

“I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then.”” –Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.

E’s first sub didn’t want floggers, but fists. She didn’t want pretty rope. She wanted to be bruised and slobbering in a pool of her own vomit. He had to get past his feminism well enough to go there, but the aftermath hurt him most. He was shocked at his own behaviour and even more stunned that his body responded.

E learned a lesson that day: restraint.

Restraint in case his bottom overestimated her capacity for pain.

Restraint in case his inner monster wouldn’t vanish when he wanted it to.

Restraint in case he became the monster.

In his next relationship, he produced his sadism in small handfuls, and his sub was too greedy for that. She wanted BDSM for breakfast and elevenses. And also for smackerels and tea. She was desperate to obliterate his restraint, not understanding its purpose.

She didn’t know his cruelty couldn’t be doled out in perfectly measured two-litre parts. It grew and grew until he lost all self-respect. Sadism doesn’t always go back to where it comes from like a genie in a bottle. It requires effort and thought.

Some sadists keep their equilibrium easily, but E wasn’t among them. He needed to control his inner monster, and his new sub didn’t make it any easier. She nagged and pleaded and seduced, upsetting his delicate balance constantly. She didn’t even know there was a delicate balance to preserve.

When all the toys are cleaned and put away, tops must face themselves in the mirror. Not all of them can tolerate what they see there. I’ve seen several tops leave the community because they couldn’t maintain their equilibrium as well as E did. Some have opened the door to power exchange only to find a monster too horrific to entertain.

Sometimes, sadists say “no” because they’re not into it.

Sometimes, they say “no” because their self-control feels too elusive to trust.

Sometimes, bottoms don’t respect that balance because tops are as vulnerable to consent violations as we are. Our coercion can affect them gravely.

Don’t misread me: If a top loses their balance, the responsibility falls squarely on their shoulders. I’m not writing abuse apologia today. I’m writing about the abuse thoughtless masochists mete out when they coerce their partners.

I think the sexiest trait in the history of BDSM is the ability to take. But not too much. Or too often. But also give. But not too much. And also have ethics… but drop those ethics every so often—only the right ones, though. Don’t get this one wrong. Some ethics are meant to be permanent. Be wildly sadistic, but caring. Don’t give a fuck about me, but only sometimes. What I want isn’t that hard to deliver. Be selfish and selfless simultaneously. Is that so much to ask for?

You could say I’m too demanding, and maybe you are, too. Often, those demands are coercion wrapped up in pretty paper. Sadists aren’t the only part of S&M partnerships that require restraint.