The Stars that Disappear

Everything must die—even the earth. Even the sun, which will fuse hydrogen for 10 billion years, and grow into a red giant so massive it will consume Mercury and Venus. Before it gives up the last ember of its light, though, its radiation will shine brighter than its own galaxy.

This morning I turned on a phone I’ve been too scared to look at for over two years. It’s the last remnant of an old life I’ve not wanted to confront until today. It tells the story of my mother’s slow death and the end of the most harmful love story of my life.

Each moment of our lives is etched quite literally in the stars. Every day, the galaxies move. The sun fades. The stars disappear. This is how the universe looked when I was born. This is how it was when I took my first steps. This is the sky of my first kiss, and this, the sun of my rape.

In 2015, someone I loved disappeared, and someone I had grown to hate grew distances away. Then the galaxies froze. Nothing moved. Nothing brightened except the pain, which shone brighter than its own galaxy. I tried and failed to begin again, but every new life seemed too different to the one I had when my mother was still alive. If I began again, I’d have to say goodbye.

A year after her death, I went through all our old conversations in my phone. I noticed an odd kind of absence. Many of the people I loved were not in that inbox—they had arrived after she died. Even the lifestyle that brought me so much happiness did not exist.

Maybe we become hopeless because we think we have all the strength we’ll ever have, so our brokenness seems permanent. This was not true for me. I moved to the sea and revived all the joy I took out of living. New friends revived my dead self-esteem and sent me on adventures that changed the way I saw the world. The sky changed. A red giant called “hope” grew so massive it consumed my grief.

When the universe develops a gas cloud large enough, new star formation is inevitable. The dearth of the past evaporates. Life expands. Love grows. New happiness is inevitable.

This is how the universe will look when you are reborn.