How to Do Kink Events With a Social Phobia

• Events are not all created equal. Some are platonic public encounters. Some are play parties are designed for noobs, and some include AncillaL hanging from the rafters with a gun in her vagina and barbed wire sewn through her jaw. Find an event host. Ask for suggestions on the least scary events in your area. You can find your local hosts here

• Not all fear is related to social phobia. Sometimes, it’s there because something makes the environment unsafe for you. If the event will require you to come into close quarters with an abusive ex… or scenes you know you’ll find triggering… or ethical quandaries, that’s not social phobia. It’s your intuition telling you to keep yourself safe.

• Many party hosts arrange a pre-event gathering for noobs. Getting to know 15 people is a lot easier than getting washed away in a crowd of strangers.

• If there is no such gathering, volunteer. Packing out snacks and furniture gives you a less intimidating way to meet some kinksters before the hordes arrive.

• Some people will call you weak because you have social anxiety. That's the trash taking itself out. Like the Velveteen Rabbit, you’re beautiful to those who understand.

• Social phobia is a lot easier when you have an out, so give yourself permission to leave even if you start feeling uncomfortable within the first 10 minutes.

• I’m not a therapist. I can’t tell you how far you should push yourself. I have, however, done my fair share of it. This matters, though: I did it under the guidance of a therapist. We addressed the causes of my social anxiety at the same time and processed my experiences together. Doing that sort of thing without the guidance of a therapist is just pointless cruelty. Be kind to yourself.

• You don’t have to do this alone. Find a safe person to attend your first event with or ask the hosts to introduce you to a few people when you arrive. 99.9% of the people in the kink scene were scared of attending their first kink events. We get it and most of us are happy to pay it forward.

• Tell people how you feel. You can’t process unacknowledged feelings, and sharing them takes away some of their power. We’re in this together. This is not a journey you have to do alone.