If You Think There Are No Real Women on Fetlife

As a serial monogamist, my BDSM body count is… oh… just a tiny bit smaller than most. Even I have a BDSM body count, though, even though there are no real women on Fetlife. I’ve met more Fetlifian men than I can recall. We’ve done lunch, rope, and a thousand impact scenes in between, but I’m not a real woman on Fetlife, because there is no such thing.

If you identify as a woman, you are automatically “not real.” All that typing you’re doing was rendered by ChatGPT. You’re just a brain in a bottle.

If you pose for pictures, you’re not real.
If you write journal entries, you’re not real.
If you attend events, you’re not real.
If you have play partners, you’re not real.
If you’re an Only Fans user, you’re even less real than the rest of us because authentic women do not earn money.

There’s only one activity that qualifies you as a real woman: Having sex with the man who’s making allegations about your realness. It’s not enough to fuck John or Rachel. You have to fuck Norman or you aren’t real, and since nobody knows who Norman even is, there are no real women on Fetlife.

There are no real women on Fetlife because it’s easier to believe than the idea that Norman might need to make a few changes in order to have a successful sex life.

Your locus of control is the extent of power you feel you have in your own life. Someone with an internal locus of control will make changes to their own behaviours when things go awry. Someone with an external locus of control will invent reasons other people need to change when things go awry.

If you’ve ever said there are no real women on Fetlife, you have an external locus of control. Your empty bed is women’s fault—We aren’t real. Fetlife is made up of seven million horny men and seven million bots pretending to be women. There is literally no other reason your bed might be empty.

I recently discovered a thread that’s been active for five months. The question? If you’re a woman, have you ever had sex with someone you met on Fetlife? Spoiler warning: Everyone said, “yes,” because there are real women on Fetlife, and there are even slutty women on Fetlife.

This leaves you with two options:

• Hold onto your external locus of control. Keep insisting there are no real women on Fetlife.

• Develop an internal locus of control. Find out where you’re going wrong.

Choosing Number One is way easier. It doesn’t require you to look at the hard stuff. Choosing Number Two might actually lead to a play partner or relationship.

I’m not saying this from a lofty throne. The first thing I ever did on Fetlife was behave like an asshole. Yep, real women get this culture wrong, too, so I assessed my behaviour, found my mistakes, and fixed the problem. Some people still think I’m an asshole, so it’s just as well I work hard in therapy. I’m an ongoing project, and you can be, too.

This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your empty bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the pink pill (yes, pink because I said so) you stay in Slut Land and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

What’s it going to be?