Fetlife Contract of No Vanilla

Fetlifians have not been pulling their weight as representatives of the kink community. Yesterday, we caught someone swinging from the chandeliers instead of suspended from them, and we smelled the distinct scent of vanilla pods in the Saturday evening dessert, which, by the way, was not even laced with arsenic. Disgusting. And you call yourselves masochists.

The sadists aren’t bothering to leave drawing pins in the corridors anymore, and this morning, I caught seven of them dancing to Britney Spears instead of death metal. They weren’t even wearing black T-shirts. Without action, kink will evaporate into a fog of complacency and normality, so we must add new rules to our Fetlife Contract of No Vanilla. This time around, we will be policing you all day since last year the subs just kept throwing water balloons at us every time we looked away.

1.The last contract said you had to be kinky 23 hours a day. Obviously getting one hour a day to be vanilla is turning you all into a bunch of pansies so you will now be required to be kinky while asleep as well. We suggest somnophilia as a potential solution to the obvious challenges this introduces. Alternatively, subs may sleep tied to the ceiling and exhibitionists may spend their nights naked in the shop windows on K&P Avenue. Sadists are so hard-core they don’t need sleep, so no problem there.

2.Tops, bottoms, and switchy types are now classified as vanilla. Either your kink penetrates your very soul 24/7 or you’re vanilla.

3.You masochists haven’t been suffering enough, so you’re now required to extend your kink into mealtimes. From now on, your lunches will be spent eating spiders from barbed wire plates with your hands tied behind your backs. Fetlife doesn’t take lunch breaks from kink, so why should you?

4.Dominants who don’t have dungeons that rival Christian Grey’s are vanilla and are thus required to fuck off.

5.Masters without harems of at least 20 slaves will be required to start wearing collars made entirely out of razor blades.

6.If you’re not showing your bruises in your Facebook pic, you’re not kinky enough and will be required to repent by spending an entire year playing only with toys you can find in your kitchen.

We’re frankly disgusted that you people aren’t sweating blood over your kink anymore. Do you think the Marquis de Sade practised monogamy and called glitter “cute”? Of course not. Sex and love are supposed to feel like swimming in piranha-infested waters, not a day at an island resort. If you don’t take the fun out of your sex lives immediately, you’re vanilla, and Fetlife doesn’t need that kind of attitude problem.

Signed with a live scorpion dipped in blood

The Fetlife Caretakers