Men, you don’t have to be an expert at all things clitoral. Humility will go down better.

Sexual ego creeps out of every corner ‘round these parts. It's there when a stranger thinks his dick measurements are exceptional. It’s there when five more strangers tout cunnilingus as a rare gift rather than the bare minimum it is. It’s there when he really, really thinks he can make you come 47 times in a row, and it’s there when he thinks the 47th orgasm could possibly be pleasant. He can make any woman squirt. He is different. He’s had the best, the greatest, the most awe-inspiring sexual education that ever was, and he will give you the most thundering orgasm you’ve ever had, purely by licking in circles.

I’m 48, people. I’m very, very tired. I no longer have the energy to manage all that bragging. I have knitting to do and cupcakes to eat, so I don’t choose men like that anymore. If people stopped seeing sex as an achievement rather than a way to connect, I’d be a lot happier.

I don’t want to be your gold star. I don’t want to be the instrument of someone else’s narcissism. I just want an ordinary man with ordinary skills. I don’t want to be mastered like an equation or bragged about like a prize. I don’t want a man who’s trying that hard.

I’ve lived enough years to know that no Clit Master is really a clit master.

Men, you don’t have to be an expert at all things clitoral. Humility will go down better. A woman will have far more orgasms with a man who has grace than one who’s determined to make you squirt using his supercalifragilistic technique.

I favour observational talents, not girth. I’m looking for someone who doesn’t think he knows everything there is to know about my body because you cannot master women as an entire gender. You can only master one body at a time.

It’s okay to be an ordinary man with ordinary skills. It’s okay to have a body exactly like yours. I’m looking for something exceptional, but it isn’t skill or experience. It’s self-knowledge and self-acceptance. Those are the real jewels of my sexual universe. I’m not all that unusual, so the more you think you have to offer, the less you actually do. The converse also applies because nobody’s safe from Dunning-Kruger. Those guys really get around.