My Draw to Rape Play is Sexual (Trigger warning)

Some rape survivors have a masochistic draw to rape play. They want the pain. 

I don't.

Some rape survivors use it to release tears that have refused to fall.

I’ve done all the crying my rape required of me already. 

I love CNC, but not for the trauma. I'm just willing to risk it. If a scene works out perfectly, I won't be a shaking mess sobbing into the mud afterward. I’ll be grinning at my sadist and telling him that was hot. My CNC kink is built from lust. The goal is sexual pleasure. That’s probably an immoral thing to say. Rape survivors aren’t supposed to draw sexual kinks out of their trauma, you know, but my favourite fantasy includes five criminals and some gloriously forced, consensual sex. 

My assault was a black hole that swallowed everything. That hole became substance, which grew smaller and smaller as I recovered. Then it synthesised blood and flesh and became a tiny monster that followed me everywhere I went. Rape became too much a part of me to forget. 

I know that today’s rape play can’t cure yesterday’s trauma, but monsters don't make a lot of rational sense. Assault is a messy experience with messy aftereffects.  Can we please stop hiding them inside a big cloud of shame? 

In the Eighties, Gremlins were our favourite movie monsters. They were fluffy and cute most of the time, but if you exposed them to light, their fur would fall off. Their sharp teeth would grow out, and they’d kill everyone in sight. CNC is my little gremlin. It doesn't have very big teeth most of the time, and I prefer it cute and covered in fur. I’m not in it for the tears or trauma, but if a scene triggers me, those canines are going to grow.

That’s a risk. It’s not a goal. The goal is lust. It always has been.  

Very few survivors will admit that their draw to rape play is sexual. We’d rather elevate it by calling it a kind of psychological processing, and it can be. But there are also people like me in the world who simply get off on the idea of force. 

Rape play can be an effective way of taking your power back. It’s dangerous as hell, but if you want to go there, I won’t judge you. Most of the time, though, I’m not in it for recovery. My rape just happened to turn into a gremlin.