Step-by-Step Guide to Online Dating

Post a photograph of your mouth with something artsy like a paintbrush between your teeth.

Decide that’s not ambitious enough and replace the paintbrush with a Coke Can.

Maybe crushing the can will make it fit.

Maybe you should just use Photoshop.

Reply to all 623 messages you get telling them to stop calling your lips hawt.

You don’t want to have a conversation with them about your vagina either, bloody hell.

Maybe just delete your photo.

Read 300 messages asking where your picture went.

̶C̶o̶m̶m̶i̶t̶ ̶m̶u̶r̶d̶e̶r̶.̶ ̶

O̶k̶a̶y̶,̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶n̶ ̶m̶a̶y̶b̶e̶ ̶j̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶a̶s̶s̶a̶u̶l̶t̶?̶ ̶

Change your username to “Ohforfucksakes Justgowatchporn Idon’twantaboyfriendanymore.”

Read 320 messages asking you what an “Ohforfucksakes Justgowatchporn Idon’twantaboyfriendanymore” is.

E̶a̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶p̶u̶t̶e̶r̶ ̶m̶o̶n̶i̶t̶o̶r̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶f̶a̶v̶a̶ ̶b̶e̶a̶n̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶a̶ ̶n̶i̶c̶e̶ ̶c̶h̶i̶a̶n̶t̶i̶.̶

Get serious about hunting for a Tom Hardy lookalike who likes getting caught in the rain and who’s not into junk food but is into champagne.

When you find him, send a message explaining that you’re not really an “Ohforfucksakes Justgowatchporn Idon’twantaboyfriendanymore” but a woman with a fully operational vagina.

Read his message about how he’d really like to worship your feet this Thursday night. Ew.

Start hunting for a Tom Hardy lookalike wh̶̶̶o̶̶̶’̶s̶ ̶s̶o̶r̶t̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶o̶k̶a̶y̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶c̶a̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶r̶a̶i̶n̶? ̶

W̶h̶o̶ ̶h̶a̶t̶e̶s̶ ̶g̶e̶t̶t̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶c̶a̶u̶g̶h̶t̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶r̶a̶i̶n̶?̶ ̶

Realise there are no boyfriends on the internet.

Drink a bottle of champagne.

Dlink some jumk flood, fleet mor chambain, and try fit a coke can in yore mouth four reel zis time.

Chrange yore boozername to “ResentfullySelibit.”

Fleat your computer nonitor with fava breans and a flice chianti.

Realise it tastes ezzactly like chicken