Mei's Full-body paizuri & Energy Drain
Added 2025-05-03 11:30:00 +0000 UTC------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the finished version of the rough version that was published in an article at the beginning of the month!
This one will be used in the OC r-18 game we are currently working on!
This will be the first work translated into English.
The translation is still under study and may be unnatural, and I am waiting for feedback if you like!
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Comments
No worries, I'm always happy to help! Learning a new language is difficult, but I believe in you! ✺◟(•‿•)◞✺ I look forward to what you do next!
SkywardAvian
2025-05-07 07:41:17 +0000 UTCThank you very much! I learn a lot from your very detailed explanations. I was surprised that you studied Japanese. I am very honored to receive feedback from someone like you! First of all, I will give priority to improving the use of pronouns, relations, and articles that you pointed out, as I think they are basic areas! It may still be difficult to fix everything completely, but I will make an effort, so please continue to support me! Thank you so much!!!!ヾ(๑╹◡╹)ﾉ”♡
狐色‐こんいろ
2025-05-06 15:38:07 +0000 UTCWhich article fits best in this situation would be up to you. My other suggestion has to do with ambiguous references. In page one again, the sentence "Do you squirm and think you're resisting with it?" is confusing to read as the 'it' at the end has no clear antecedent(the word it refers to). I didn't get far in my Japanese classes I took years ago, but I think in the Japanese version Mei is asking if the boy thinks he is resisting Mei? In that case, I think the sentence should look more like "Do you think you're resisting me by squirming around?" While this looks different compared to the original sentence, it reads much clearer while maintaining a similar meaning. The sentence now indicates that the boy is resisting Mei in particular. Just one more smaller issue. On page 4, "It's so tight in my *boob*..." should be 'boobs'. Since the boy is between two boobs, the plural version of boob should be used. Just 'boob' implies there is only one boob. Keep up the great work! :)
SkywardAvian
2025-05-06 10:47:06 +0000 UTCThis reads well for a first time translation! There are some other areas I could provide additional feedback on. I'll split this into two comments due to comment limits. In the first page, "I got you weak masochist with my tits" could use a correction. Specifically, 'weak masochist' needs an article. Articles, such as 'the' or 'a/an', indicate whether a noun is specific or general. Articles are generally required when there is a singular countable noun, like 'weak masochist' here. Generally, 'a/an' is used when referring to something in general, when mentioning something for the first time, or when describing someone's profession. 'They' is used when referring to something specific, or the noun has been mentioned before. There are two fixes in this case depending on your writing style. "I got you, *the*/*a* weak human, with my tits." Using 'a' indicates the noun (masochist) is being introduced for the first time. However, using 'the' could signify Mei knows the boy.
SkywardAvian
2025-05-06 10:43:04 +0000 UTCThank you for your valuable and detailed feedback. I'm very happy to hear it! I will reflect the comments you have given me in my future translations. This is my first experience with translation work, so I may still make a lot of mistakes, If you don't mind, I'd be very grateful for any further feedback and suggestions you may have!
狐色‐こんいろ
2025-05-05 15:52:29 +0000 UTCThank you for the English translations! I've always loved your works, and I'm thrilled to be able to read the dialogue now. For translation feedback, I think some of the "unnatural" parts of this translation stem from incorrect usage of pronouns. Let me use a sentence from the second photo as an example. "If you don't run away, they will lick you again, and when you ejaculate, you will shrink." In this sentence, "they" and "you" are the pronouns. "They" is a third-person pronoun used when the speaker talks to another person about someone or something else (the third person or thing). In this sentence, the use of "they" is currently implying someone other than Mei or the boy will lick the boy. Since Mei, the speaker, is the one who will lick him again, you would want to use a first-person pronoun here. A corrected sentence would look like "If you don't run away, *I* will lick you again, and when you ejaculate, you will shrink." Thank you again for the translation! :)
SkywardAvian
2025-05-05 12:40:08 +0000 UTC
