The Truth

Those of you on Discord have known there was something up in my personal life for several months now, and those here only on Patreon might only just now be getting inklings about it.

It's time I told you guys everything. Please know that I wasn't trying to hide it from you all. I'm normally a very open person and generally don't understand the whole "private family matter" when it's just someone being sick or something like that.

But in this instance I've felt such a huge mix of emotions. I've been ashamed, I've felt worthless and unwanted. I've been angry multiple times and at my limit of frustration others. I've found myself not wanting to get out of bed, to do anything at all.

So here it is, here's why I've been so busy lately and feeling so down more often than not: back in late June I was part of a round of economic layoffs at my old company.

This hit me out of nowhere. I always figured as long as I excelled at my work that I'd have a job. Every single year I received a raise, sometimes maxing it out. I got stock bonuses and compliments. Not once did I have anything negative said about me but one day I get called into a room and told I no longer had a job. Worse yet, I wasn't even going to get 2 months pay. 

This was earth shattering for me on many levels. Obviously I felt betrayed and shock, but I also started to feel like I wasn't good enough. After this I felt "Why try?" as that certainly didn't help me in the situation.

I live in Idaho and the job market for software engineers is fairly healthy, but not to a crazy degree. With the region's largest tech company suddenly laying off so many people it just messed up everything. I was suddenly running up against former software architects with 25 years of experience. I actually had several hiring managers call me to tell me that "it's not you, we were just inundated with applicants with twice the amount of experience." It was hard.

And it's been hard. For months it's been hard. I just moved into this new house a year ago, had just bought a kitten, and have 4 kids. My stress was through the roof and consistently so.

But it's finally, finally all over. I just got done earlier this week acing a multi round technical interview process and have accepted an offer with a new company. I struggle with change so it's still rather stressful as I worry, and I'm not sure I can ever feel that security I did before and have now lost, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I finally feel like it's reachable.

You guys though. Every single one of you. THANK YOU. When I didn't have the willpower to make another video, when I as secretly struggling so hard, you all made me smile, made me laugh and made me feel like what I do matters. It's been so odd to have the channel do so well right as I'm doing so terrible behind the camera. I would say I was robbed of being happy about all of the milestones I've reached recently if not for you guys.

This has been a long post and much about nothing really pertaining to the channel, but instead the community. With my inclusion of negativity in many of my videos there was always a chance that it'd bring about a community that relished in that negativity but you guys couldn't be further from that. And for that, I'm very thankful. I appreciate all you guys do, even more than you might have realized a few minutes ago before reading this.

Next post will be more "on topic" I promise, but I always strive to be real and honest with you guys so there it is.

Now if you excuse me, I need to take my wife out to dinner, it's been a while since we had a date!