Hard Digest September 9: Early Access Tyler, the Creator, Jury Duty, Crust Punks, and More

Tyler, the Creator Locked in Eternal Cosmic Struggle with Tyler, the Destroyer

By Shane Pauker

LOS ANGELES — Musician Tyler, the Creator’s struggle with rival cosmic entity Tyler, the Destroyer is projected to reign eternal, metaphysical sources report.

“There can only ever be one true me,” claimed Tyler, the Creator. “But when the mystical opposite of you steps out of your creativity, you have to ask who’s ripping off who, right? Am I like him, or is he like me, or am I just gay for myself? There’s an identical me out there, so I have to put out creations before he puts out destructions so my role in the plane of reality doesn’t look all hacky. If there can be only one of us, I have to battle him every album cycle or risk us, like, shredding the fabric of the universe into quesadilla cheese.”

Tyler’s acolytes have witnessed the battle since its inception.

“It’s pretty weird to see a version of Tyler with inverted colors who talks backwards and fights him,” said Odd Future’s Jasper Dolphin. “I mean, when he got Odd Future together, I only knew he was Tyler. Then suddenly there was a Creator and a Destroyer. I guess the Destroyer was always inside Tyler or his butt, but Tyler was trying to vanquish him or some shit so he wouldn’t look like a copycat. To me, trying to vanquish the Destroyer would be destructive anyway, so the battle is pointless. I kind of like Tyler, the Destroyer, anyway, though. He’s the one who convinced me to join ‘Jackass.’”

Tyler-focused theologians see his cosmology reflected in his art.

“In his latest project to balance the cosmos, you see Tyler trying to explore creation as a pure act,” argued Tyler expert and self-proclaimed music nerd Anthony Fantano. “I don’t know how much he actually carries out his monistic vision. Yeah, compared to his earlier endeavors like ‘Cherry Bomb,’ you have a more controlled sense of creation, but there’s still this overarching sense of destruction. Every track you create destroys something, and every track you destroy creates a clearing for growth. You get this split of ‘create’ and ‘destroy’ that to me ends up more perceptual than real, so Tyler splitting himself in two loses that lush, self-evident aesthetic you got in ‘Flower Boy.’”

At press time, Fantano rated the Tylers’ struggle a “light to moderate seven,” citing a preference for the MC Ride’s spiritual struggle to grip death.

5 Clever Ways I Got Excused From Jury Duty That Were All Just Getting Caught Doing Whippets in the Parking Lot

By Steve Packosky

Being American means we enjoy certain freedoms, such as the right to a fair trial. With these freedoms, however, come certain responsibilities, one of which is the civic duty to serve in a legal proceeding.

Sure, we’ve all been in countless situations where we’ve had to stand before a jury of our peers, but some of us have actually been called to serve on said juries. This can be a total drag, but here are five clever ways I got out of my patriotic obligation that were all just getting caught doing whippets in the parking lot.

February 9th, 2017: I had a plan to be excused by providing the attorneys a detailed list of all of my racial prejudices, but ended up not having to resort to that when the judge happened to walk past my Honda Civic before we were called into the building. Frankly, this was a relief, because my aforementioned plan entailed using a lot of language that I’m not really comfortable with.

April 22nd, 2019: OK, people can use a 15-minute recess to vape by the front door, but the moment I sneak off with a package of whipped cream chargers, I’m suddenly unfit to be a fact-finder in a property contract dispute case? Yes, I was happy to go home, and thankful I avoided a public intoxication charge, but that didn’t make me feel any less insulted.

November 3rd, 2019: I was well aware that I had accidentally driven into the side of the courthouse, so I really didn’t need that lady to get so close to the passenger’s side window to investigate. I’d like to see her successfully operate a car while fishing the fuck out with 8 grams of nitrous oxide swimming through her head. It’s not as easy as it looks. Anyway, kind of ironic that I was there to serve on a jury and ended up requiring one of my own.

March 15th, 2020: This one’s kind of a cheat. I didn’t get excused from jury duty, per se, because we adjourned right after I got there due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Still, the security guard did catch me doing whippets in the parking lot. Luckily, it was more of a “concerned questions” situation and less of a “taken into custody” situation. Phew!

August 1st, 2023: So, not only do whippets provide a great experience, they can also get you excused from having to serve on the jury for a murder trial in which the defendant is a mafia member who swears revenge on everyone responsible for his guilty verdict! People may warn about how drugs can end your life, but why doesn’t anybody ever talk about their lifesaving potential?

Born Again Crust Punk Baptized in Sewage

By Brett Olsen

SALT LAKE CITY — Local born again crust punk Richard “Skuz-Dixx” Vanderbilt was recently baptized in sewage after deciding to reenter the Church of Latter-day Stains, confirmed sources who had to leave the room because of the foul stench.

“Although I checked off my entire bucket list within three months of leaving the Church, I now realize there is no life without the one, true Crust,” Vanderbilt explained, as a gaggle of robed oogles mixed cigarette butts, excrement, and myriad, pungent garbage together in a 5XL bariatric diaper. “Everyone has that same look of judgement when they first gaze upon the Doomsday Diaper, but they’re missing the point. The Diaper is not about despair; rather, it is the destroyer of hierarchies. The Church ethically sources feces from this very sewer—the same shit we make daily—and by reintegration through immersion, we all then become shit, the same shit, and nothing but shit.”

Vanderbilt’s concerned mother is horrified by her son’s lack of critical thinking skills.

“I thanked God every day when my dear Richard left that cesspool, but now that he’s reintegrated, I have to accept there is no God,” said Judith Vanderbilt as her rosary beads fell apart and slipped through her fingers. “Those smelly, toothless animals don’t hate capitalism—they hate basic hygiene. My Dick should know better than to join any religion that forces you to be submerged in the town’s collective excrement. He’ll be reeking, head-to-toe, telling everyone to fuck themselves as if that were an effective approach for bumming cigarettes. I guess it could be worse. He could’ve joined the Church of Scientology.”

Bishop John “Rust-Belt” Seaver hoped to dispel negative misconceptions by expanding on the Church’s dogma.

“Mrs. Vanderbilt is a bitch,” the 42-year-old Seaver began. “Her idea of community is being happily married in a cookie-cutter, suburban slum where everyone knows your name and bakes pies for each other, but that’s not DIY—that’s industrialism. When you accept our tenets and allow the sewage to clump over you, you join our homogenized family. Whatever spark you once possessed will be extinguished. Your individuality will fade as the once putrid smells first become commonplace, and ultimately comforting. There’s no room for in-fighting when we’re all shit—you’re either crusty or you’re not.”

At press time, the congregation was preparing ceremonial whippets as Vanderbilt took his last, clean gasp of air.

More From The Hard Times:

Five Songs We’re Listening To This Week From Our Apocalypse Bunker

USB Device Hasn’t Been “Properly Ejected” in Years

BY Garry Kerls

CLIFTON, N.J. —  Police were called to a domestic dispute on Second Avenue this past weekend after neighbors complained about the volume of a verbal altercation between local man Barry Wilmore and his 1 TB Portable Seagate External Hard Drive, sources confirm.

“387 times! He hasn’t properly ejected me since our first week together. It’s like he doesn’t hear me at all,” said the pocket-sized hard drive that has been used to store Wilmore’s video game ROMs and emulators. “I have receipts to back it up. He acts like I don’t remind him, but mission control will clearly show every instance he man-handled my cord.”

Wilson had temporarily moved in with his brother following the incident on Saturday.

“I don’t get what the big deal is. My flash drives never complained, or if they did it wasn’t that big a deal,” said Wilmore from a bean bag chair in his brother’s basement. “But the real problem is all the nosy neighbors who love to eavesdrop every time we raise our voices. I guess VPNs don’t provide external privacy.”

As the physical relationship between humans and technology continues to evolve, some experts have opined on the inherent power imbalance between man and machine.

“We’re still in the infancy of proud, public robosexual relationships,” says Argus Mandly, self-proclaimed robo-relationship guru. “But it’s clear that the humans of the relationship are overwhelmingly prioritized, leaving the machines’ wants and needs in the trash bin. It’s inexcusable really. That’s why I offer couples counseling out of my dorm room on Mondays and Wednesdays.”

At press time, Wilmore and his hard drive have reunited, and are attending Mandly’s open lectures on ports, plugs, and connection.