Hard Digest August 14: Kennedy Center, Early Access MP3s, Guns, Woodland Creatures, and More

Dancing Coke Can and Billy Bass Among Kennedy Center Honorees

By Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump, the self-appointed Kennedy Center chairman, announced that a dancing Coca-Cola can and a novelty singing bass decoration will be among the artists recognized for their contributions to American culture this year during a particularly unhinged press conference earlier today.

“It’s time we as a nation stop glorifying woke garbage and start honoring the real artists who helped make America the greatest culture in history! That’s why I’m using the power entrusted to me by myself to add two performers to what was already the greatest lineup of Kennedy Center honorees!” said Trump, gesturing to the animatronic toys. “As you can see, both gentlemen are with me today, and they are so grateful for what I’ve done for them that they’ve actually collaborated on a new piece in my honor!” The president proceeded to press the on button for the Coke can and the singing bass at the same time and began to weep to a mashup of “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing (In Perfect Harmony)” and “Take Me to the River.” “This is the national anthem now,” added Trump through tears of admiration.

Propaganda Minister Pam Bondi was quick to deflect accusations that the President’s choices were crass, tasteless, and out of touch.

“The Kennedy Center can only honor so many artists per year, and the President did not choose his selections lightly,” assured Bondi. “The can was a shoe-in from the start, but for many weeks it was a dead-heat between the bass, Kevin Sorbo, and the ‘time to make the donuts’ guy. Then Sorbo made the mistake of questioning how the President’s uncle could have taught the Unabomber, and was immediately disqualified. In the end, the President went with the performer who looked the least Hispanic, and the entire cabinet is behind him in that decision.”

The President’s choices for honorees have been met with heavy criticism from the arts world, notably from former Kennedy Center Chairman Deborah Rutter.

“As if Rocky and KISS weren’t embarrassing enough, now we’re honoring the artistic contributions of gauche inanimate objects, ” said Rutter. “It’s very in vogue to compare Trump to Adolf Hitler, but these selections debunk that completely. Hitler, for all his sins and flaws, understood art and culture.”

According to sources, the President’s choices have even drawn criticism from fellow honoree Gene Simmons, who claims the dancing coke can “totally cockblocked” him at Whisky a Go Go in 1986.

Man Who Sold Burned CDs of Limewire MP3s Out of His Locker Arrested After Decades Long Manhunt

By Brian Wishart

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local man Jason Ulbrych was arrested after being accused of selling burned CDs out of his locker full of MP3s he downloaded off of Limewire while he was a teenager, ending a decades long manhunt, confirmed sources.

“Ulbrych was selling copyrighted material,” said FBI agent Norm Smith-Johnson. “We believe in upholding the law and punishing serious crimes. It took us 25 years but our team of over three dozen agents have finally tracked down the culprit who sold the burned CD that is titled with black sharpie ‘Jason’s Cool Beatz.’ We cannot have dangerous criminals selling unregulated media that contains ‘The Hampster Dance Song’ and Nelly’s ‘Hot In Herre.’ He is facing up to 20 years imprisonment for his crimes.”

Ulbrych is in custody and claims that he barely remembers selling that CD back when he was young but admits that he did the crime.

“It was something that pretty much everyone did at school,” said Ulbrych. “We heard the warnings that it was wrong and we were taking money from starving artists like Metallica and Destiny’s Child. I think I put that $5 I made towards a Linkin Park album. I will accept my punishment and hope to get out of prison soon with good behavior. I will miss seeing my lovely wife each day and I will never forgive myself for missing the birth of our daughter.”

The FBI executed the raid off of an anonymous tip who reportedly is the person Ulbrych sold the CD in question to.

“I was cruising the FBI tip site to look up serial killers and other dangerous criminals for my true crime podcast when I saw a familiar description in their Most Wanted List,” said Natalie Suzuki. “Our school was mentioned and the CD seller matched the description of that guy I was in social studies class with. I saw they were offering a $10,000 reward so I called it in. I believe in supporting artists. That’s why I always listen to my music directly from YouTube without paying for a premium service.”

At press time, Suzuki has yet to be paid the reward money and the FBI is denying they ever offered a bounty on their website despite the offer still being listed.

Is That a Gun in Your Pocket or Do You Have Two Boners

By Tim Sheard

Having an erection in public is embarrassing, but it happens to the best of us. I was fully prepared to look away and not say anything until I saw that your pants had two bulges. There’s the obvious one in the middle, nice size, good girth, 10/10 normal penis from the outline. I would just say, ‘Is there ‘something’ in your pocket’ if I were trying to make a joke about the situation, but after doing a double take, I don’t know whether to be concerned about my safety or your health. The bulge right of center is such a distinctive shape, it’s either a Rossi RM66 .357 Magnum with a six-inch barrel or a secondary stiffy.

I’ve read Freud, I know about phallic object theory and how guns and dicks are the same shape, and both represent an affirmation of masculinity. I’d like to consider myself open-minded to unconventional expressions of gender and sexuality. It’s really none of my business, and what’s the difference between the two when it comes down to it? They can both be loaded, concealed, and pump-action, but one could fucking kill me, which is probably why I’m still stuck on this. Have you had a vasectomy? I’m really praying that you’re shooting blanks.

Sorry I keep staring. I couldn’t think of a discreet way to confront you, but I just have to know. Rambo or Randy? Even if I gestured to your crotch and asked if it was registered, that would do nothing to clear the air; both answers would only cause more questions. I could ask to see it, but that would be awkward. Also, I’m not really into guys in that way, and I am for sure not into guns that way.

Hey, what’s with that grin, anyway? It’s like you’re enjoying this confrontation a little too much. I get the sense that you’re only horny in a normal, one-dicked way because you’re about to kill me, which I’ve no doubt you’d commit to, given you clearly don’t have performance anxiety.

Woodland Creature Mayoral Race Once Again Swept by Dapper Bullfrog in Monocle and Top Hat

By Joe Rumrill

WILLOW WIND HOLLOW — The animal population of a wooded glen was less than surprised when their mayoral election results yielded a landslide win for a jovial bullfrog in formal wear, sources confirmed while bristling at the triggering term “landslide.”

“Ah, twas a jolly good showing all around! My thanks to the voters of this fine glen — from the birds in the trees, to the bugs and the bees! Pip pip!” chimed Mayor Bullfrog, with a distinguished puff of his signature dewlap. “I daresay my promise of a ‘stolen vegetables from Farmer MacCready’s garden for all’ initiative was risky, but I didn’t kiss all those tadpoles at my rallies to be called a liar. ‘Slimy,’ sure, but that’s a descriptor I wear with pride, what what! Now to beef up my security team in case there are any more assassination attempts by out-of-town hawks!”

Mayor Bullfrog’s long-suffering opponent, Mr. Weasel, was less than sporting about his now annual defeat.

“Drat it all. Drat it to heck and back again, I say. Every year I hope we’ve progressed as a society enough to overcome our clear and rampant anti-predator bias, and every year I’m squashed back to reality, crushed and labelled a ‘loser.’ I’ll bet if I were born a chipmunk or even a sentient oak tree one might go to for cryptic advice, I’d be getting fitted for a ‘MAYOR’ sash right now!” opined Weasel, from his modest one-bedroom burrow. “And, of course, the scandal a few years back didn’t help. How was I to know those rotten eggs were someone’s kids and not part of the continental breakfast I assumed the hotel offered?”

Local man Reggie Potter, great-grandson of children’s author Beatrix Potter, had much to say on the election outcome.

“Man, I wish my great-grandmother was alive to see this. Or that anyone believed that this was happening in my backyard without calling for a psychiatric evaluation,” said Potter, frantically. “This election happens every year in my very backyard, and let me tell you, the minute people find out you’re the relative of Beatrix Potter and you’re trying to tell them there are well-dressed critters campaigning hutch-to-hutch, your credibility goes right down the drain. At least she was able to make some money off these little suckers. God, I wish I could draw.”

At press time, a recount was ordered after accusations of Mayor Bullfrog paying off the duck community for votes in exchange for a sack of wet bread.