Hard Digest August 13: Early Access Scurvy, Bezos, Free Hugs, and More

Scurvy-Ridden Band Plays Extra Shitty in Hopes Someone Throws Fruit on Stage

By Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Local punk band Slice planned to play exceptionally shitty to trigger audiences to throw fruit at them in an attempt to reverse the effects of scurvy, confirmed sources.

“We played 27 shows so far, and all but one paid us in gas for our 15-passenger van. That one gave us a few five-gallon buckets of gyro meat. We’ve been eating it for four months,” said Josh Andersen, singer and guitarist for Slice. “When the scurvy set in, we tried treating it with a case of Fanta we found backstage. That didn’t work, but dripping blood from my gums while I sang absolutely fucked. Our limps looked great, too, because of how low we could hold our guitars. But then it got really hard to load the gear in and out. Everything hurt, and I could barely see to drive the van. So we decided to play super shitty to get people to throw fruit at us. I’d eat anything with vitamin C at this point, even one of those asshole Red Delicious apples.”

The plan has yet to work, according to an attendee of a recent show.

“If they have scurvy, I hope they never recover, because these are the best shows I’ve ever been to,” said Sue Lent, who follows Slice tours. “They all seemed sleepy on stage, and they played slow, but I loved the doomy twist on their songs. Josh spit blood everywhere when he sang. That was sick. The drummer broke an arm in the middle of a song, and this disgusting puss dribbled onto the kit, which was fucking awesome. The bassist threw up, and the sound guy slipped in the puke and hit his head real bad, so the entire venue sounded like a vivisection. It felt like a Gwar show. Yeah, some people in the crowd had lemons, but those were for cutting heroin, not throwing.”

Dr. Lex Ahituv, a pirate physician in Duluth, offered some recommendations.

“Due to the urgency of the situation, the band needs to bring the shitty factor into uncharted territory,” Dr. Ahituv said. “As far as throwing fruit, I recommend attendees aim for the face to maximize bioavailability. Cantaloupe, durian, and even peppers are ideal choices. Even rushing the stage and rubbing a handful of blueberries directly onto their skin could drastically improve their conditions.”

As of press time, Slice successfully elicited fruit from the audience, but only after passing out on stage midway through their second song of the set.

Better Safe than Sorry! I’m Punching Random Bald Guys On the Off Chance One of Them is Jeff Bezos

By Ben Friedman

There was a time when any time I’d see that obscenely wealthy asshole Jeff Bezos gracing the cover of Forbes, I’d wish I could just reach into the picture and give that cue ball looking jackass a nice hearty slap. I know it was nothing more than idyllic fantasy, but it’s hard to sit there and be okay with a society that rewards resource hoarding and the subjugation of the working class. There had to be a way to stick it to him, even if it was petty and insignificant, and send a message.

That’s when I recently began turning revenge fantasy into action. Now, I’m doing my part in the war on billionaires by punching random bald guys on the street on the off chance one of them is Jeff Bezos himself.

Some people in my community have objected to my methods, so for the sake of transparency, I want to assure everyone that any act of violence against middle-aged, follically challenged men around 5’7″ is purely out of respect for the working class and anyone who received shitty HDMI cables on Amazon. I’ve tried explaining this to the police every time I get arrested for assault, but of course, they’re going to protect the ruling class.

So far, I’ve been unsuccessful, but you never know when Bezos could be lurking, especially in this age of surveillance. For all I know, he could be one step ahead of me after listening to all my anti-capitalist rants caught on my Ring camera. He may also be using his short stature to his advantage in evading my fists of retribution.

Maybe, just maybe, Jeffrey will disembark his superyacht parked on the Amalfi Coast and deign to walk among us, like when I thought I saw him walking out of the gas station, but it turned out to be my old gym teacher. In my defense, the sun was in my eyes, but I stand by my actions.

It sounds like I’m profiling people, and that’s because I am. But this is for a good cause! I’d never forgive myself if the one time I didn’t knock out a random baldy in my path, that it turned out to be the king of exploitation. Let me ask you this: if you had a one in 750 million chance to punch an actual supervillain, but it meant punching strangers all over town who bore a slight resemblance to them, you’d take those odds, right? I thought so.

Free Hugs Guy Now Has Tipping Option

By Mike Moran

NEW YORK — Longtime hugging volunteer Andy Spencer recently joined in on the trend of asking for gratuities along with his charity services, local sources report.

“In these troubled times, who couldn’t use a free hug for a small donation?” asked Spencer. “I’m just happy to give people a few seconds of affection, if it means it will brighten someone’s day a little. Oh, and no pressure, but if you do feel so inclined, I offer several tipping options on my iPad here. Or you can customize, but again it’s totally optional. I have a square up top there, or you can just tap but that’s always a little tricky. Cash is always welcome too. Or Venmo. Whatever you got on you, really. Just give it to me already.”

Patrons who have long appreciated the altruistic, non-commercial nature of the independent hugging circuit are questioning the ethics of adding tipping options to the service blatantly advertised as “free.”

“I’m not going to give up on free hugs guys, but I will admit I’m much more discerning in my options,” said frequent patron Alison Bridgers. “I find myself taking more time to consider things like technique, hygiene, and chest to breast room allowance ratio. I’m sorry, but if I’m going to be pressured into tipping, I’m not settling on a smelly guy with an uneven embrace distribution, who is going to try and rub boobs with me. I mean, believe it or not, some of these free hug guys turn out to be total creeps. Who would have thought?”

Experts are weighing in on how this issue is merely a part of a growing national trend that has many Americans questioning the idea of tipping in general.

“The economy being as it is, it’s not surprising that so many services are adding tipping options,” said Economist James Cowlings. “But Americans by and large are beginning to experience ‘tipping fatigue.’ In Europe, tipping is considered taboo, and people working as ‘hugsmen,’ as they are known, are actually compensated through government programs. But try getting Americans to agree to that. We don’t want our tax dollars going to museums, let alone street comforters.”

At press time, HUG international, a new corporate embracement solutions firm, has announced it will be hiring over 1,000 former free hugs guys, and plan on franchising nationally.

Amazon Experimenting with PTO (Paid Time On)

SEATTLE — In a massive win for the Amazon Labor Union, Jeff Bezos and Amazon corporate have agreed to begin offering their employees paid time on, our sources confirm.

“This is a huge leap forward on the grounds of warehouse workers rights,” says the Union’s lead defense attorney, Douglass Petersen. “But we’re not going to stop there, next on the list is stainless steel piss bottles, appropriate air circulation, and basic human rights.”

This stunning upset comes at the end of a long and drawn out hearing over litigious disputes made by roughly 40,000 warehouse workers across the US between June and mid-June of this year.

“The job has become mostly filing complaints,” says Seattle native and four year Amazon employee Dana Kulp. “See a cockroach? File a complaint. Slip on a pile of human feces? File a complaint. Find a disembodied finger? File a complaint.”

Outcries against these harsh working conditions have been championed across social media, but many have found it difficult to donate and support the ALU’s mission.

“I tried several times to Google how I can help, but I kept getting emails with a 20% off Amazon coupon and redirected to the Amazon Essentials page,” says former worker’s rights advocate Sabrina Knowels. “They even offered me a sponsorship deal if I deleted my account, and they can help you make a passive income too, just use my code SABS at checkout to learn more.”

At press time, Jeff Bezos has taken a percentage of the newly implemented paid time on as a wedding gift to himself.