Hard Digest August 8: Early Access Dave Mustaine, Shoegaze, the Sleepytime Bear, and More

Dave Mustaine Suggests Starting “Supergroup” With James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich and Robert Trujillo

By Steve Packosky

LOS ANGELES — Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine suggested starting a “supergroup” with Metallica members James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich and Robert Trujillo, sources report.

“I haven’t heard back from them in three weeks. They must be so excited that they forgot to send confirmation,” said Mustaine. “Our respective bands are both very established, so for members of each to join forces in a supergroup would be a match made in Hell. After all, I’ve known James, Lars and Robert for decades now, and we play a similar type of metal. It’s just a perfect fit, and who knows? Maybe we can do some covers of some classic Metallica songs as a goof, or something more serious like the entire Megadeth discography. Just spit-balling here. I certainly wouldn’t want this to interfere with our primary projects. We’d just play it by ear and have some fun with it.”

Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich was not receptive to Mustaine’s suggestion.

“This is clearly just Dave trying to get back into the band,” Ulrich sighed. “He’s been doing this for the past 40 years. It started shortly after we released ‘Ride the Lightning’ when he would try to double-book Megadeth at the same venues as Metallica. Then there was that time he dyed his hair black and impersonated Kirk before our 2011 Big Four of Thrash show at Yankee Stadium. I keep trying to tell him to give it up, especially because Megadeth is one of the best thrash acts of all time. He can totally be happy if he just lets himself feel content in his own band.”

Metallica lead guitarist Kirk Hammett did not seem to take issue with the proposition.

“I think it’s a great idea!” Hammett said. “Ever since our documented therapy sessions during the recording of ‘St. Anger,’ I’ve known that we need to place emphasis on time away from Metallica. I have my horror memorabilia and surfing, so if James, Lars and Robert want to start a side project, I’m all for it. It would be super cool for them to play with Dave, too. He’s a hilarious guy who’s always calling me funny nicknames like ‘The Usurper’ and ‘Shitty Replacement’ while joking about how I’m not a good enough guitarist for the band. He just cracks me up. It’d be awesome to see what kind of music the guys would make with him.”

At press time, Mustaine had sent Hetfield, Ulrich and Trujillo some “song ideas” composed entirely of “Kill ‘Em All” riffs.

I Don’t Know What Shoegaze Is and at This Point I’m Too Scared To Ask

By Sarah Cortina

Look, I’ve done some things I’m not proud of in this life. We all tell little white lies to get by, don’t we? Smile and nod, feign competence rather than be looked down upon with disdain and disappointment? We all gotta fake it til we make it to a certain extent. But I’ve gotten to my breaking point and I have to tell someone. I don’t even know what shoe gaze fucking means. God, this feels so embarrassing to admit, it’s like I can’t look you in the eye, like I can’t look up from my feet.

You might think this is trite, “Oh boo hoo you don’t know what shoe gaze is, so sad you bitch ass indie poser!” Well guess what. I’m the VP of Growth at Interscope Records.

I don’t even know what that means either. All I know is we were sitting in a meeting and we were talking about genres we should invest in that we have a notable gap in and ChatGPT suggested that Interscope could use some shoegaze artists and I blurted it out in the meeting. Now I’m stuck asking my social media intern to scroll TikTok for 8 hours to find me a shoegaze artist that will appeal to both the male 18-24 year old and female 30-35 year old age ranges.

I know that “male gaze” is a critique of the way men write for women in film, so maybe shoegaze is how shoes… think music is? That can’t be right. Fuck.

I know. I have a problem. But I keep getting away with it so I just can’t stop. You know it’s actually crazy how far you can take being completely full of shit if you just speak with authority. No one wants to be that guy and call you out. I’ve gotten 12 years into my career with nothing but a firm handshake and a dream. And my female coworkers. I know, I know. This might sound tone deaf. Wait. Tone deaf. Deftones!! See. I got one!

I think the jig might be up soon though. They’re going to figure out I’m full of shit. Someone mentioned my bloody valentine and I thought they were talking about the Machine Gun Kelly song. Or was it that U2 song? Bloody…bloody…Bloody Sunday? Fuck!!!

Maybe this is a prank, like that time the intern tried convincing me “darkwave” was a thing.

Sleepytime Tea Bear Dies in House Fire After Once Again Falling Asleep, Leaving Fireplace Unattended

By RJ Atkinson

SLEEPY HOLLOW, N.Y. — Beloved slumber icon Sleepytime Tea Bear reportedly died in an apparent house fire after falling asleep and leaving the fireplace unattended, grieving sources confirm.

“It’s a well-known fact that wildlife have a difficult time grasping proper fire prevention safety tips,” exclaimed Brian McMillian, friend and neighbor of Sleepytime Tea Bear. “I always told him he needed to throw some water on it before going to bed, but he would just kind of doze off whenever I started talking to him. At first it kind of annoyed me, but after getting to know him I realized he was just a master at his craft. I mean the guy would fall asleep during game nights, block parties, fire alarms, 4th of July fireworks, you name it. The real tragedy is that a true prodigy was cut down in their prime.”

Local authorities are issuing guidance to residents on how they can prevent future house fires.

“First and foremost, I recommend heating your home with literally anything other than an exposed fire in the middle of your living room,” chirped Sleepy Hollow Fire Chief, Stan Windhorst. “It’s the 21st century for Christ’s sake, and the only people who still heat their homes with a fireplace apparently are backwoods weirdos and brown bears with Ebenezer Scrooge-style pajamas. I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead, but I mean, come on. I could stand here all day and tell people to check the batteries in their smoke detectors, but that’s not why this tragedy happened.”

The blaze that has rattled the community has prompted a federal investigation as well.

“We’re taking this incident very seriously,” said FDA spokesperson Sarah Moreno. “The tragedy that befell Sleepytime Tea Bear has prompted us to take a look at the potency of Celestial Seasonings Tea, along with other tea brands used to promote sleep. Simply put, if a product is too strong to be consumed safely, it needs to be regulated. We know these products are generally considered safe, but if their effects are so strong they cause you to sleep right through your body being engulfed in flames, that’s something that needs to be looked into.”

In related news, the Serta Mattress Sheep reportedly died in its sleep.

I Voted for Ivo Robotnik to Lower the Cost of Eggs, Not Steal My Chaos Emeralds

BY Mikey Reid

When Dr. Eggman announced his candidacy for President, I was thrilled to see someone finally standing up to the political elite and promising to implement common sense policy that would help working class Americans like myself by lowering the cost of eggs. What I didn’t expect was that as soon as he got elected, he would steal my Chaos Emeralds.

I voted for the guy because I was sick and tired of inflation. Did I expect him to immediately steal and then use my Chaos Emeralds to construct Eggmanland, a cartoonishly designed, hybrid theme park/city? No! He promised that he was divesting from any holdings he had in his companies.

Did Dr. Eggman repeatedly campaign on his plan to take over the world and reshape it into a robotic utopia in his image? Sure. But how was I supposed to know that he was serious about it?

I mean, c’mon, the guy is a successful entrepreneur. Sure, he’s filed bankruptcy multiple times after his robotics facilities were destroyed by that enterprising band of anthropomorphic animal heroes. But I think we all know that that blue-haired liberal Hedgehog is being funded by outside sources who are secretly funding his Antifa agenda with golden rings because they are hellbent on destroying America.

Do I regret voting for Dr. Eggman? Well, if I did, I guess I’d have to get rid of all of my Robotnik merch, like my hats, flags, beer coozies, bottle openers, commemorative coins, truck nuts, shoes, and so on. I’d also have to admit that I don’t really mind his hostile takeover of power and that it really is what I was voting for all along. And then I’d probably have to call my daughter to apologize. So hell no! What’s a few Chaos Emeralds in exchange for seeing those snowflake commie critters cry every day? His regime has been totally worth it, even if I’ve now been conscripted into service for the Robotnik empire.