Hard Digest August 2: Early Acces THPS, The Navy, and "Brave Little Toaster"

Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3+4 Adds New Realistic Character Who Can’t Skate at All but Still Thinks He’s Better Than Elissa Steamer

By Reuben Blanchard

LOS ANGELES — Activision announced that the remake of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3+4 will include a new playable character named Matt Fresh, who doesn’t know how to skate but still thinks he’s better than Elissa Steamer, confirmed sources.

“Initially, Matt wasn’t gonna be a playable character. He was gonna be a new NPC that just gets in the players’ way, similar to Officer Dick,” said game developer Carl Davids. “But when plans for Matt were leaked, the public demanded he be playable, so we made sure he was as realistic as possible. He can flat-ground ollie on every fifth try, and he supposedly can almost kickflip. He also wants every skate session to end way earlier than anyone else does. We wanted to make sure this character was a modern version of this archetype. In the ‘90s, Elissa Steamer was one of the only famous pro skateboarders who was a woman. That’s no longer the case. So Matt doesn’t just think he’s better than her. He thinks he’s better than all of the female, trans, queer, or non-binary skaters. He also thinks he’s better than any skater he just assumes is gay, which is all of them besides Tony Hawk.”

Local amateur skater Will Nelson couldn’t be more excited for the release.

“Matt is by far the most realistic character in the game,” said Nelson. “Sure, the other characters are literally based on real skaters, but Matt is REAL real. He has a Hook-Ups deck with some super explicit Hentai stuff on, which he rarely actually rides, and he’s always complaining about the spot not being good. His special move is to stand around and say things like ‘I’m just not feeling it today’ or ‘I would, but the angle is off, and also my trucks are too loose and my knee is kinda stiff.’ I mean, I’ve literally met this guy.”

Jessica Younoussi, writer for The Athletic, says while Matt is one of the first playable characters of his kind, there’s a reason he’s so popular in certain groups.

“Matt represents a small but vocal community: Men who can’t, but are pretty sure they could. Whether it’s being convinced they could dunk on Paige Bueckers despite not even being able to dunk, or ‘knowing’ they could score a goal against the entire USWNT, while not actually knowing the rules of soccer. These men feel that they personally deserve to be in the spots that women are in, while doing none of the work to get there. And despite its counterculture history, skateboarding is no different.”

As of press time, several new buyable add-ons for the character had been announced, such as a signature skate shoe Matt refuses to scuff up and a special move where he never brings a woman to orgasm.

How That Navy Commercial With the Godsmack Song Failed To Prepare Me for My Dishonorable Discharge

By Steve Packosky

I still remember it to this day. I was sitting in homeroom, bored out of my fucking mind, when I heard my favorite band, Godsmack, on the TV during Channel One. I snapped to attention and was completely enthralled for the next minute. That Navy commercial made me think I’d be flying planes off aircraft carriers while listening to “Awake” if I enlisted, so much so that I dropped out that day to sign up. Little did I know that I’d be in for a rude awakening. Who thought that the Navy makes you do stuff like exercise and shave? It’s total bullshit.

They really should have provided more information in that little clip. Apparently, the Navy is all about hard work, discipline, and respecting authority, and these are definitely not where my skill sets lie. At no point did narrator Keith David mention just how seriously they frown upon a serviceman leaving his base without permission to do whippets in the parking lot of a nearby TGI Fridays. Seriously, you’d think that would be covered as a disclaimer at the end of the commercial, like when those cholesterol medication ads talk about how they’ll make you shit blood or go insane or whatever. I can’t be the first Navy recruit with this complaint.

So there I was at my court-martial, where no amount of professed Godsmack fandom helped me. Seriously, I even quoted the lyrics to “Voodoo” when asked to plead my case. I thought this would be a smack in the face of everyone who called me an “unbelievably stupid asshole” for choosing to represent myself. The judge didn’t think my likening the Navy’s inordinately strict curfew to a “snake biting into my veins” was as profound as I had hoped, and I got slapped with a Dishonorable Discharge. Thanks a lot, Channel One.

So now I’m back home, with no jobs and no prospects aside from an upcoming audition to sing for a Godsmack tribute band. Seriously, I’m not even allowed to buy a gun now to defend my family/play with while I’m drunk. Can you believe that? Let this be a lesson to you going forward: do not be fooled by any nu-metal appearances in upcoming military recruitment advertisements, because that absolutely does not mean that you won’t have to do stuff and/or have responsibilities. Now, where did I put that application to sell knives for Cutco?

New Study Finds Nation’s Millennials Still Recovering From “The Brave Little Toaster”

By Reuben Blanchard

NEW YORK — A new study from Columbia University revealed that millennials are still recovering from the trauma caused by the 1987 animated Disney film “The Brave Little Toaster.”

“9/11, unending school shootings, record low wages, a global pandemic, along with the refusal of generations before them to retire have made things hard for millennials. And yet all the evidence shows that ‘The Brave Little Toaster’ is at the core of many millennials’ existential dread,” said lead researcher Dr. Akello McGarry. “Their overall inability as a group to get over the air conditioner shorting out and essentially killing himself has led to a lifetime of anxiety and dread. But it doesn’t end there. When asked what they think about the film ‘All Dogs Go To Heaven,’ 97% of millennials responded, ‘Why would you bring that up, you absolute fucking monster?’”

Jenna Clark saw the film on the Disney Channel back around 1990, but the Brooklyn-based graphic designer says that since that day, nothing has ever been the same.

“How the hell am I supposed to figure out how to buy a house when all I can think about is the heartbreak my appliances feel when I don’t use them, or move to a new apartment?” said Clark. “You want me to have and raise kids? I can’t even get Lampy’s death out of my head! And yeah, I know he doesn’t actually die. Why do you think I have trust issues? This is my fourth attempt at a career! On top of that, I’m still trying to heal my trauma from the horse’s death in ‘The NeverEnding Story.’”

Chester Wentworth, the 65-year-old baby boomer CFO of a defense contractor corporation, who was given the job 45 years ago due to his “masculine handshake and Anglo-Saxon bone structure,” says that millennials are just big complainers who want a handout.

“In my day, we didn’t whine about toasters and lamps and whatnot. We were real Americans. We watched ‘Old Yeller’ get shot then went about our day. We may have beaten our wives and flipped out at cashiers, but surely that doesn’t have any correlation,” said Wentworth. “And yes, obviously, we resent millennials for wanting to talk about trauma. All I ask is that you don’t make me think about self-growth or admit that we’ve ever made any mistakes. You know, the way life is supposed to be.”

As of press time, the nation’s millennials were seen collectively huddled around a TV watching “The Iron Giant,” saying, “What’s even the point anymore?”