Hard Digest July 28: Busking, Ankles Monitors, Apple Watches, and More

Busker’s Beautiful Rendition of “Yesterday” Really Brought Down by Nearby Public Masturbator

By Tim Sheard

BUFFALO, N.Y. — A stunning rendition of The Beatles’ 1965 hit “Yesterday” by busker Alan Wentzel was completely overshadowed by an unhoused man masturbating in plain sight several feet away, sources report.

“This is the third time this has happened this week. It’s like no one masturbates to the Beatles from the comfort of their own homes anymore,” Wentzel complained. “I spent a lot of time perfecting this song on my acoustic because people are more likely to give money for it than for songs like ‘Stand By Me’ and ‘Wonderwall.’ I knew something was wrong, though, because people were looking beside me and gasping in horror instead of nodding along to the music. When I saw what was going on, I couldn’t believe it. Why did this guy have to wait until I started playing my most profitable song to start cranking off? It’s going to take forever to get everybody’s attention back to me again. And worst yet, this guy’s got a better singing voice than me. I’m cooked.”

Witness Jeremiah Rojas was more disgusted than moved by the incident.

“At first, I couldn’t get over how beautiful that song sounded,” Rojas noted. “I’m not even a huge Beatles guy, but wow! I was really getting into his playing, but then I saw some random guy beating it out of the corner of my eye, and it really killed the vibe of the music. I really would’ve liked to focus on the song, but I of course couldn’t take my eyes off the guy stroking his hog. I could definitely be wrong here, but I think he was actually following the rhythm of ‘Yesterday.’ It was actually kind of mesmerizing. Maybe he and the busker were actually doing some kind of performance in tandem with one another.”

Busking expert Shelley Griffith weighed in on the situation.

“Buskers tend to focus far too much of their energy on their music,” Griffith provided. “However, as much if not more effort needs to be spent on avoiding the public masturbators who will be distracting potential spenders from their music. Statistically, people are five times less likely to give you a buck if they’re distracted by some random dude greasing his flagpole in full view of your performance. My advice to buskers is to scope out potential spots before setting up to play, and it honestly doesn’t hurt to befriend public masturbators and ask around for their favorite places to let loose so they can be avoided.”

At press time, Wentzel had just decided to pause his playing and let the masturbator finish.

Five Ways You Can Deactivate Your Ankle Monitor Before the Five Finger Death Punch Show Next Week

By Steve Packosky

Well, shit. Your favorite band is coming to Sturgis next week, and you’re not about to let Big Brother keep you from attending just because you smashed a bottle of Miller High Life over the head of that dipshit home plate umpire at your son’s little league game. Honestly, that fucker had a strike zone the size of the Northwest Territories, and you did the entire town a favor by sending him to the hospital. Too bad the judge didn’t agree, and now you’re stuck at home with this goddamn ankle monitor. Lucky for you, we’re here to help. Here are five ways you can deactivate it so you can attend next week’s Five Finger Death Punch show.

Cut It Off
This is the most obvious solution. While it’s likely it will trigger some sort of alarm down at the station, you should have enough time to get to the venue and lose yourself in the crowd for the duration of the show. They’ll most certainly catch you on your way out, but by then you’ll have caught the whole performance, so worry about that later!

Befriend Local Police Officers
Everyone knows you back the blue, which you’ve proudly displayed with that flag on the back of your souped-up Ford F-150 (that is, when you’ve been allowed to drive). Anyway, it’s a 100% guarantee that there will be a heavy law enforcement presence at the show, so get to know the local cops. Before you know it, you’ll be singing along to “Wash It All Away” with half the local precinct while the alarm from your monitor goes unnoticed.

Hack It With Computers
This is a shot in the dark, but can’t you do anything with computers these days? Your kid’s always chatting it up with strangers on that fucking thing, so see if he can hack into it like Sandra Bullock in “The Net.” You’ll have to spend time with him to do this, which is a drag, but keep your eyes on the prize.

Kick Your Coffee Table Really Hard
Fuck man, we don’t know. It’s not like it’s indestructible, right? Aim for the monitor’s red light and make like you’re Adam Vinatieri. Just ignore the agonizing pain shooting up your leg and keep going until that light goes out. You’ll be starting unnecessary fights with people in the moshpit in no time!

Cut Off Your Foot
Clearly this is the most drastic option, but honestly, is a two-footed life really worth living if you haven’t seen FFDP perform their cover of “Blue on Black” live? That’s what we thought. Grab that sabre saw out of the garage and find something to bite down on. Ivan Moody awaits!

Apple Watch Congratulates Local Oaf for Standing

By Brett Olsen

PARMA, Ohio — Local lummox Andrew Creosote felt a vague sense of accomplishment Tuesday morning when he uncharacteristically stood up triggering a congratulatory message from his Apple Watch, confirmed sources.

“I work from home and have been rewatching ‘The Sopranos,’ so no—I don’t move a lot,” Creosote revealed as the smell of boiling eggs filled his studio apartment. “I got this watch years ago as a way to discreetly check messages, but I immediately had to disable most of the settings because the High Heart Rate notification was broken and would not stop waking me up. I honestly forgot this thing doubled as a fitness tracker, but I think I’m finally ready to take my health more seriously. It sounds silly, but my watch saying ‘Good Job!’ actually did motivate me to start standing once every four hours.”

Creosote’s primary care physician Chris Stauffer agreed that standing is important.

“Standing is always preferable to being sedentary, but—well,” Stauffer trailed off. “I know this is a major HIPAA violation, but I’ve never met anyone like Andrew. By all accounts, the odds of him still being alive are astronomical—impossible, even. His average daily steps can be explained by five trips from the couch to the kitchen along with occasional bathroom outings depending on the variety of snacks consumed with a near-zero margin of error. If standing is the first step, I sincerely hope he takes many more.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook says this type of positive trajectory is exactly why the Apple Watch has been such a commercial success.

“Apple is a lifestyle company, but we’re well aware that for every athletic influencer, there are thousands of Andrews,” Cook admitted while nonchalantly dismissing an Arby’s notification. “While some of our more exceptional customers may utilize the Apple Watch’s emergency satellite services when lost on Mount Kilimanjaro—a feature only available when paired with an iPhone that supports this functionality—others just need basic safeguards and reminders on how to stand, wash their hands, or sleep—you know, things you learn when you’re a toddler.”

At press time, Creosote set a goal to stand a good five or six times a day with the hopes to walk a 5K within the next 10 years.

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King of Hyrule Denies Existence of Tingle Client List

BY Kyle Duggan

HYRULE — King Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule categorically denied that the government is in possession of a list of clients for notorious human trafficker, Tingle, source confirm.

“What’s going on with my ‘Ritos,’ and, in some cases, ‘Gorons?’” said King Daphnes in a message posted to the Pirates Charm network. “The files you’re asking for never existed! It’s just another Vaati-created hoax like Ganongate and climate change. If you’re so curious about Tingle, maybe you should ask about the Hero of Time, who paid A LOT of Rupees for maps when he was in Termina, which is a TOTAL CRIME!”

One of Tingle’s alleged victims spoke out against the king’s statement.

“I personally witnessed King Daphnes working alongside Tingle to extend his terrible, terrible operation,” said the individual, who requested he only be identified as David. “I was recruited by Ankle and forced to work against my will on Tingle Island for years. I saw everything. They didn’t care, because they didn’t think of me as someone who could possibly hurt them, but I saw them all: Tingle. Daphnes. The Rito Chieftain. Oh, yeah, he might be the biggest liar of them all. I don’t care if he’s half bird; he can definitely sweat.”

Retired Royal Secret Service Officer Impa said the official story didn’t make sense to her.

“We already know that King Daphnes is tied to Tingle,” said Impa. “His name appears several times in Tingle’s flight logs. You see, Tingle allowed many powerful individuals to travel using his private balloon, which was nicknamed ‘The Kokiri Express.’ Sometimes it was just for innocuous travel between Outset and Windfall, but other times it would stop at Tingle Island for days—or even weeks. There’s no public record of what happened there, but I know for a fact that the royal family was in possession of classified material related to the case. For King Daphnes to claim that no further records exist is a demonstrable lie. I wish we could ask Tingle for his side of the story directly, but he was found dead inside his cell in the Forbidden Fortress under mysterious circumstances. Supposedly, the guard who was responsible for shining a spotlight on his cell had been temporarily distracted by a walking barrel.”

At press time, King Daphnes had offered Tingle’s brother and collaborator Ankle immunity in exchange for favorable testimony.