Hard Digest July 27: Early Access Goths, Jack Black, Work From Home, and More

Metalhead Just Figures It’s Easier To Let His Family Think He’s Goth

By Steve Packosky

PUEBLO, Colo. — Metalhead James Kingor concluded that it’s just easier to let his family think he’s goth instead of constantly explaining the intricacies of metal and its various subgenres, resigned sources report.

“I’ve totally given up trying to tell my parents, siblings and cousins that being a metalhead is nothing like being goth,” Kingor sighed. “The other day, I went to visit my parents and my dad jokingly referred to me as ‘The Prince of Darkness’ because I was wearing a Municipal Waste shirt. They all think that I light black candles and watch ‘The Crow’ in my room while listening to Bauhaus. I just like to drink beer, play video games, hang out with my friends and cut the sleeves off of all of my shirts. There’s literally nothing goth about me, but it’s just easier to let my family assume I like Siouxsie and the Banshees. Trust me, convincing them otherwise is a wasted effort.”

Kingor’s mother Rachel expressed her concern over her son’s supposed goth lifestyle.

“Of course I’ve worried about my James and his goth phase,” Mrs. Kingor said. “Especially after the Columbine tragedy that happened when he was in middle school, I was concerned that he would lash out at those around him. He seems to have grown into a well-adjusted man, though, so I guess it’s just a funny little quirk about him. I’ll never understand his lifestyle, but I will always love and support him just the same. He recently got a tattoo on his arm of a band he loves called ‘Carcass’ or something like that, so I guess he’s going to be goth forever even if he does grow out of the music!”

Sociologist Candela Acosta explained Kingor’s situation with his family.

“It is extremely common for people’s family members to conflate their subcultures with others,” Acosta explained. “Parents of crust punks will assume that they listen to blink-182 and New Found Glory, and I did one case study of a rockabilly fan who was driven insane because her family consistently thought the only song she listened to was ‘Zoot Suit Riot’ by the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies. I agree with Kingor’s decision to refrain from correcting his family, as I’m sure he’s already tried enough times.”

At press time, Mrs. Kingor decided to surprise her son with a mesh tank-top and black lipstick for him to wear to an upcoming Cannibal Corpse show.

Help! I Showed Jack Black Midwestern Emo, and Now He Won’t Stop Vocalizing All the Riffs

By Eric Degliomini

When I got hired as Jack Black’s assistant, I was stoked thinking it would be an easy gig of picking up lunches of gourmet Panda Express items, organizing his closets of brightly colored animal overprint t-shirts, and helping him decide between voicing Sans in a live action Undertale movie or taking 7 figure “recurring role” in a “University of Rock” Paramount Plus series. But when he overheard me listening to Braid my first week, he immediately started “Bun Namp na na na na na”ing along, following with a demand that I make him a mix of everything similarly Midwestern Emo I could find, and I am now one “raka doo dee dow” away from skadooshing myself.

I thought the guy who played a record store snob in High Fidelity would have already known about Midwestern Emo, but I guess just because the genre was started by bearded dad-looking Gen Xers, doesn’t mean they were all listening to it. At first, it was manageable when he was vocalizing one guitar part, but then he figured out how to simultaneously vocalize both guitars in “Never Meant” by doing the lead parts as “bang daka dang dang dang”s and the backing parts as “bew dern dern nern”s. I would be impressed if I didn’t have to stop him from doing it at his mother-in-law’s wake.

It’s been only two months since he started, and he’s already “bew bern bown do bew bew”d through Christie Front Drive’s discography, and he’s moved onto “bada baka da bada bow”ing into fourth-wave midwestern emo bands that were all from Philly like Snowing and Glocca Mora. It doesn’t matter if he’s in a meeting with Dreamworks for “Kung Fu Panda: A New Generation” or at an ad agency giving feedback on the creative direction of next year’s Tostadas SuperBowl commercial, if he starts hearing noodly twinkly guitars, he will accurately vocalize them with the energy he gave to classic rock riffs in the 2000’s.

If anyone has any ideas on how I can get him to stop, please let me know. The only thing that’s worked is when I play him Mathcore solos that exhaust him as he tries to keep up. I played him 43% Burnt two hours ago, and he hasn’t woken up from passing out after “bee dee doo doodly de de doo”ing. If I don’t get any help soon, he’ll start going backwards to Rites of Spring, which may kill him.

Companies Struggling to Find Return-To-Office Perks That Top Masturbating at Home

By Dan Kozuh

NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Major companies are reportedly scrambling to come up with workplace perks that can rival masturbating freely in the comfort of their own homes, confirmed sources.

“We’ve tried everything: free lunches, kombucha on tap, daily puppy parades, even a goddamn Mindfulness Meditation session but nothing works. I absolutely know that if one of my coworkers’ Teams icons turns yellow they are probably cranking one out,” said regional director Dana Killinger of Callen-Moore Logistics, reviewing a spreadsheet titled “MasturOptions.” “We’re offering chair massages, casual dress, and a Low Stimulation Room with fidget toys and stories read by Morgan Freeman, well an AI version of his voice. But at the end of the day, nobody’s gonna swap home-office hand stuff for a $15 DoorDash credit.”

Employees, meanwhile, remain unmoved by artisanal granola and forced team-building.

“Look, I get that there are networking opportunities or whatever with people coming into the office but that isn’t enough. But I would rather have a spontaneous meeting with their magic wand than Brian from Project Management,” said data analyst Amy McGill over Zoom, readjusting her sundress. “No amount of team trust exercises makes up for the fact that, at home, I can just take a quick ‘meeting with myself’ between emails and no one bats an eye. It’s good for the company too; I am happier, more relaxed, and I can focus better. Nothing beats it, literally. I can take care of business better if I take care of business. End of story.”

Human resources experts say companies are finally confronting the unintended consequences of pandemic-era flexibility.

“COVID opened the floodgates to a radical reevaluation of break time. We no longer sit outside at a weathered picnic table inhaling secondhand smoke from the table a few feet away. Working from home gives us an opportunity to take a real escape from reality,” explained HR consultant Dr. Janine Parlow, author of “Boundaries, Breaks, Beans and Boners: Masturing Post-COVID Workforces.” “Once employees realized they could blast through an Excel pivot table and then immediately blast themselves without judgment, it became the new normal. There’s no HR-approved alternative that replicates post-orgasm euphoria.”

At press time, Callen-Moore executives were reportedly in early talks to convert their underutilized lactation rooms into multipurpose “Milking Suites.”