thehardtimes

Hard Digest July 20: Early Access Guns, Christian Metal, Cops, and More

Added 2025-07-21 00:00:07 +0000 UTC

Leftist Who Actually Knows Stuff About Guns Suddenly Real Popular in Friend Group

LOS ANGELES — WeHo-based firearms enthusiast Dave Simpson recently saw a drastic uptick in popularity amongst his left-of-center friends, confirmed sources who just wanted to know what a handgun felt like in their pants.

“It’s funny, for years I’ve felt like I was kind of an outsider in my friend group,” said the 35-year-old, self-identified anarchist. “When I’d point out that it’s kinda hard to push restrictions on something you know nothing about, so most gun control laws are at best an annoyance, and don’t actually stop anyone from getting a gun, I was often met with phrases like ‘Blue No Matter Who!’ and ‘Pokemon Go-to-the-Polls!’ But for some reason, since around the start of the year, I’ve been invited to more brunches than I’d previously been to in my entire life. I can’t believe how many eggs benedict I’ve eaten. Finally, my knowledge of assault rifles is paying off in West Hollywood.”

While some might be skeptical of Simpson’s claims, those within his friend group have also noticed the shift and openly admit something has changed for them.

“I’ve always thought Dave was cool, but work/life balance stuff is hard, so we barely hung out. However, in 2025, starting randomly around January 20th or so, I just really wanted to make sure I was being intentional with my time,” said casual friend and registered Democrat Haley Abebe. “Dave has always liked guns, so if I’m gonna be a good friend, I should care about his interests. And if in the process of holding space for Dave and his hobbies, I learn firearm safety, target acquisition, small unit tactics, room-clearing, team movement, small demolitions, vehicle sabotage, counter-custody, and the basics of urban guerrilla warfare, that’s just the cost of having a healthy friendship.”

Anais Jameson, a New York Times journalist who specializes in the rise and fall of trends in popular culture, says Simpson’s sudden popularity within his friend group is not an anomaly.

“This sort of thing is happening all around the country,” said Jameson. “It is almost as if there was some sort of cultural shift at the start of this year or something. Our new polling shows that people with ‘Nevertheless She Persisted’ bumper stickers have been hanging out with people with ‘No Gods, No Masters’ and ‘Self-Defense Is Self-Care’ bumper stickers at the highest rates ever recorded. It’s truly fascinating.”

At press time, Simpson, Abebe, and their friend group were seen having a “Love Island” watch-party while also discussing workarounds for the California assault weapons ban.

If You’re Interested in Joining My Christian Metal Band, You Must Have an Unwavering Commitment to Christ And/or Know How To Play Drums and Have Your Own Kit

By Steve Packosky

Hey man, thanks for answering my Craigslist ad. The guys are super excited to jam with you. Just one thing, though: I may not have mentioned the specific type of metal that we play. Unlike most bands in the genre, our music actually has a positive message rooted in Christianity. Hopefully, that’s okay with you, because if you’re interested in joining, you need to have an unwavering commitment to Christ and/or know how to play drums and have your own kit.

That shouldn’t be an issue, right? Sorry I’m being so selective here. It’s just that the world is so full of evil these days, and I want my band’s music to act as a counterweight to all the wretchedness out there. You seem like a great guy, so I’m sure you’re on board with that. I’m going to need you to be. That is, unless you know how to play double bass, in which case I’m definitely open to conversation.

It is true that the drummers in our metal scene are few and far between, but I don’t want you to think that the reason we met with you was because you’re literally the only person to respond to our ad. You are, but that’s definitely not the case. I can tell you’ve adopted a pious, Christlike lifestyle even if you don’t identify as a Christian and have outspokenly abjured religion several times since our meeting started.

Also, I’d honestly prefer if every member of our band had Christian influences, but with that being said, devout metal drummers definitely aren’t the easiest thing to find, so if you learned to play drums by listening to Deicide, I guess I understand. On that note, what’s that band on your shirt? Mercyful Fate? I’ve never heard of them, but they sound pretty righteous. With a name like that, they’re probably singing the praises of our Lord and Savior in every song. You’re going to fit in better than I thought!

Welcome to the band! By the way, we start every practice with a group prayer, and — what’s that? That’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard, and you’re definitely not going to take part? Ok, that’s alright, no biggie. Well, what are we sitting around talking for? Let’s jam!

Domestic Abuser Charged with Impersonating Police Officer

By Char Byram

BOISE, Idaho — Local piece of shit Jesse Schweitzer was charged with impersonating a police officer after assaulting his entrapped girlfriend Denise Soderstrom, confirmed sources.

“His form was that of a 15-year veteran officer during a routine traffic stop,” said Officer Grady, responding to the call from a worried neighbor. “It was almost like I was the one who had been hitting her repeatedly, which is our go-to method for deescalating any situation. As law enforcement, the domestic abuse we can excuse. But doing it like one of us while not having the legal authority behind you to act with impunity? We can’t just overlook that. This behavior calls for a stern slap on the wrist.”

Schweitzer apologized profusely for impersonating a cop.

“I was just doing what felt natural to express my frustration that she didn’t do the dishes. What was I supposed to do?” Schweitzer said while being patted on the back and comforted by the arresting officer. “All this misplaced, pent-up rage inside me targeted Denise since she was the closest person to me at the time. I didn’t mean to impersonate a police officer, it just sort of happened. I thought I was dealing with it like any other thoughtful partner would. I’ll have to be more mindful of my technique next time. Probably didn’t help that I also used a baton and rubber bullets.”

Police Commissioner Ron Bronowski was more impressed than angry.

“It’s an open and closed case of law enforcement impersonation,” said Bronowski. “All the evidence points to the same exact pattern of unchecked violent escalation a real police officer would display when Mr. Schweitzer was mercilessly assailing his girlfriend. Misusing power dynamics to attack those who can’t defend themselves is clearly police behavior. After he serves his 14-day probation and takes a class on how to better conceal his actions, we’d actually like to offer Mr. Schweitzer a position on the force. He really reminds me of myself, he’s got potential! We could use more men like him.”

At press time, Officer Grady was letting Schweitzer hold his gun and play with the siren after spending a couple of hours hanging out together at the precinct.