Hard Digest July 18: PBS, Early Access Black Metal, Fyre Fest, Drugs, and More

Sesame Street Now Brought to You by Hims

By Dan Rice

NEW YORK —  Producers of the long-running children’s program “Sesame Street” resorted to accepting sponsorship from popular male wellness brand Hims in the wake of recent DOGE cuts gutting PBS funding, multiple virile sources confirmed.

“Beggars can’t be choosers,” said visibly crestfallen PBS President Paula Kerger. “Congress has cut our funding, and let’s face it, the letter ‘J’ wasn’t exactly paying the bills. We are still committed to teaching children about life and the world around them in a language they can understand, we’re just going to be putting a little more emphasis on the parts of life where a guy has trouble getting it up, male pattern baldness, and doctor-supervised GLP-1 injections for weight loss.”

Hims CEO Andrew Dudum seemed more enthusiastic about the new partnership.

“We couldn’t be happier to be part of the ‘Sesame Street’ family. We feel it’s important for boys to know that they’ll start getting erections soon, and that after a few decades those erections will lose some of their potency, and that Hims is here to help!” said Dudum in front a poster of a red Porsche 911. “Maybe Elmo starts losing his fur, and The Count can be all like ‘One, two, three red hair! Time to call Hims!’ Oscar the Grouch? Lot of potential there! Might need to start calling him Oscar the Gregarious once our discreetly shipped chewables have him satisfying his wife in the bedroom again!”

While many parents expressed criticism and concern with the pairing, television historian Gilbert Herman was quick to point out that such controversies are nothing new for Sesame Street.

“Sesame Street has a long track record for addressing complicated adult issues in a way that’s accessible to children. Homelessness, racism, parental addiction and incarceration, they even introduced an HIV positive Muppet in an effort to de-stigmatize the epidemic. If kids can handle learning about issues that serious, I’m sure they can handle learning that sometimes daddies need treatment for hair loss, or pills to help them get their fuck on.”

As of press time, Dudum was in hour 4 of a livestream spitball session, proudly declaring that ‘Sesame Street’ will never be brought to you by the letter “low t” and showing no signs of slowing down.

Poser Black Metal Musician Has Sense of Humor

By Steve Packosky

WYTHEVILLE, Va. — Scott Griffith, vocalist and guitarist for black metal band Skogklage, showed himself to be a total poser when it was revealed that he has a sense of humor, disgusted sources report.

“I love black metal almost as much as the art of standup comedy, man,” said Griffith. “Black metal has been my favorite genre since I picked up Emperor’s ‘In the Nightside Eclipse’ when I was in middle school. I love to put on corpse paint and shriek about Tolkien characters while trem-picking. It’s a total blast. After our shows, though, I usually just wash myself off and relax by watching ‘The Simpsons’ reruns. I love the episode with Marge fighting the creation of the town’s monorail; that shit was so funny. I know that black metal musicians are often seen as these grim, joyless grouches, who refuse to watch ‘Arrested Development,’ but I see no reason to be like that. It’s just music, and I really enjoy playing it. Why should I be a miserable fuck just because it’s expected of me?”

Ken Bryant, drummer for Skogklage, was shocked and dismayed by his bandmate’s revelation.

“Scott said WHAT?” Bryant exclaimed. “There’s no way I can play in the same band as somebody who enjoys Monty Python or has smile lines. Everybody knows that the only way to embody the true spirit of black metal is by staring at a desolate forest as your sole source of entertainment. I’m going to have to kick him out of Skogklage, or better yet, kill him and make a necklace out of bits of his skull. I have to salvage my kvlt reputation here. We’ve been together for three years, have played countless shows, and have put out an album and an EP. I need to do something extreme so everybody knows that I’m still dedicated to the craft of black metal.”

Sociologist Seo-yeon Park provided her insight on Griffith’s situation.

“This guy is definitely an anomaly in the black metal world,” Park said. “I’ve been doing case studies on musicians in this field for over a decade, and coming across someone who is even remotely fun to be around is exceedingly rare. Usually, my conversations with subjects result in them mocking me for never having listened to Dawn or Judas Iscariot, or for me mistakenly assuming that Belphegor is black metal when they’re actually blackened death, or simply quoting ‘Office Space.’ I must say, I was pleasantly surprised at how charming Griffith is.”

At press time, Griffith further enraged his bandmates by showing up to practice in a Morbid Angel shirt.

Okay, I Admit It: The Fyre Festival Cheese Sandwich Was the Most Delicious Meal I’ve Ever Had

By Tim Sheard

It’s time to come clean once and for all. The best meal I’ve ever had was the two slices of limp cheese between a couple of slices of Wonder bread at the Fyre Festival in 2017. It was so good it left a taste in my mouth for nearly 12 hours. I even kept burping it up every few minutes. It’s like my internal organs wanted to keep reminding me of it.

The earthy tones, waxy aftertaste, and hints of fresh sorbic acid as a preservative really hit the spot when you’ve been microdosing mushrooms all day and festival organizers forgot to stock up on $12 bottles of Aquafina to purchase. This must’ve been what they ate at the Last Supper.

Sure, presentation-wise, the sandwich looked like a discount Lunchable that’s been sitting unrefrigerated on the counter for a few days. But man, there was just something about the store-brand individually sliced American cheese singles that really hit the spot. Could be because there were no other food options available for 16 hours up until that point.

Airport sushi. Little Caesars. Outback Steakhouse. Nothing has been able to satisfy my advanced palate the way a cheese sandwich made by a 17-year-old festival volunteer did that day.

If Anthony Bourdain was still alive, he could’ve done an entire episode about it. Gordon Ramsey could learn a thing or two too. And there’s still time for Guy Fieri to add it to the menu at Flavortown. I would travel to Italy’s finest Olive Garden to taste it once more.

If only there was a way to get the recipe for the Fyre Festival cheese sandwich, so that I could make it myself at home and consume it daily. On the other hand, the iceberg lettuce and slimy tomato that came with the sandwich was utter shit.

Study Confirms There’s Nothing Cool About Drugs Except for All the Cool Stuff You’ll See, Hear, and Feel

By RJ Atkinson

BALTIMORE — A recent study out of Johns Hopkins confirms there’s absolutely nothing cool about drugs, except for all the cool stuff you’ll see, hear, and feel.

“Look, we all know drugs are great. I mean, some drugs are so great, they’ll become all you can think about,” remarked biochemical researcher Sarah Redman, on her team’s recent findings. “It’s important to remember, however, that while many drugs enhance your life in almost every conceivable way, they are not in fact happenin’. And sure, the sensations and hallucinations some drugs offer are so mind-blowing, they’ll make you believe in God. But let there be no mistake, there is absolutely nothing cool about them, even though the visual, auditory, and sensory effects of them are what make life worth living.

Some drug users say the study’s findings have left them questioning their identity.

“Drugs were part of the reason I considered myself a rad dude,” said crestfallen Youngstown, Ohio resident Steven McBride. “I mean, that’s why we all took that first hit, right? We saw our favorite musician practically smoking themselves into a coma in a music video, and all we wanted to do was be as hip as them. I guess the thing that makes me most confused about the study is that if being high is so cool, wouldn’t that make drugs cool? I mean, I’m not a researcher, but I’d maybe try researching why that is. But it’s not all bad though. Now that drugs aren’t fashionable anymore, I’ve been jumping my old BMX bike off some sick dirt ramps. Which is how I used to be cool back in middle school—right before I started doing drugs.”

Others find themselves vindicated by the study.

“Drugs suck,” quipped straight edge punk Darren Adams. “Part of me is glad drugs aren’t trendy anymore because people will live better lives. But the other part of me is psyched, because I’m now pretty much the coolest possible person. I go to hardcore shows, wear black, and punch fascists—without an ounce of drugs in my system. What’s cooler than that? Definitely not drugs. I’ll admit though, before I became straight edge, I would take delirants with my cousins and ask The Hatman to reveal the future. Which I’ll admit was pretty cool. But not the drugs themselves.”

The study went on to conclude that staying hydrated, eating veggies, exercising, and getting a good night’s rest are actually some of the coolest things you can do.

Here Is Donkey Kong’s Really Disgusting Banana Bread Recipe

BY Brian Wishart

Hey, everyone! Donkey Kong here. This week I am going to share my favorite recipe of all. It is one that I really cherish.

Back when I was a young ape I would spend my summers in Cranky’s kitchen. The warm air of Donkey Kong Island would come through the windows bringing in a sweet salty sea smell. I was so carefree back then. I was not going on as many adventures. Baking provides me with so many nostalgic memories. Scent provides me with a connection to the past and I get transported to my childhood whenever I get a whiff of all these flavors of walnuts, peanuts, and pineapple smells. I even made a rap song about it.

However banana bread was the one recipe I disagreed with my family on how it should be made. Candy Kong once told me that banana bread is a no-fuss recipe and that you should be able to make it with the ingredients you have around you. So that’s the philosophy I used when developing my banana bread. I have all this bone meal just lying around the kitchen and I have all these green bananas that Chunky Kong gathered on his quest. It should be easy enough for you to make at home in your kitchen as well. Be sure to wear an apron or else you’ll get your tie messy!

Every other Kong likes their banana bread solid and just a little moist. I prefer a soupy mixture. Cranky Kong has called this recipe “disgusting” and “shameful” in the past, but he is called Cranky for a reason! Diddy Kong liked this banana bread so much that I even saw him feeding it to Rambi the Rhinoceros under the table when he thought I wasn’t looking. He loves to share.

I have spent years perfecting my banana bread recipe. I’m not allowed to call it a family recipe because no one wants anything to do with it. I love it though, and I hope you will too! The smell is unforgettable.

Here are all the ingredients you need to make DK’s Banana Bread Surprise:

• All-Purpose Flour. It satisfies all purposes including this recipe

• Baking powder. You can substitute baking soda if you want. They are the same thing.

• Bone meal. The fresher the better.

• Rock salt. The bigger the chunks the more satisfying the crunch.

• Brown sugar. It along with the water helps make the bread extra moist

• Butter. Melt it or toss it in hard and cold. Baking is not a science.

• Parrot eggs. I steal these from Squawks.

• Green bananas. I’m not using my yellow bananas. Chunky collects these ones and what they lack in flavor they make up for in ruggedness.

• Vanilla extract. It brings some flavor to the recipe.

• Tap water. Gooey and drippy banana bread is the best kind

• Raisins. Everyone loves raisins.

You will also need a mixing bowl, a whisk, a 9×5 inch loaf pan, an electric mixer, and a spoon. Borrow a friend’s oven if you don’t have one at home.

Step 1.

Preheat the oven to 374 degrees F. Do not bother greasing your 9×5 inch loaf pan.

Step 2.

Combine the flour, bone meal, baking powder, rock salt chunks and brown sugar into a bowl. Whisk thoroughly. Put the half cup of butter and parrot eggs in. You don’t need to worry about cracking the parrot eggs as your electric mixer will already do the job of breaking them open. Add in the vanilla extract and tap water.

Take your mashed green bananas and put them in with all the other ingredients. If you have trouble mashing bananas this fresh, try punching them with your fists even harder. Turn on the electric mixer to maximum speed.

Step 3.

Pour the batter into the ungreased pan and turn on some cool music. You’ll be waiting for a while for this to bake.

Step 4.

Bake for an hour in the oven, or until it starts to smell burned. Whichever comes first.

Step 5.

Put on oven mitts. This step is very important!

Step 6.

Take the banana bread out of the oven. Sprinkle a good amount of bone meal on top of it as garnish.

Step 7.

Wait for it to cool down, grab a spoon, and dig in!

Ingredient List

1 ½ cups all-purpose flour

½ bone meal

1 teaspoon baking powder

6 chunks of rock salt

¾ cup brown sugar

½ cup butter

2 parrot eggs

3 cups mashed green bananas

1 teaspoon of vanilla extract

1 teaspoon of tap water

A handful of raisins

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Hard Drive’s lawyers have told us to advise humans against consuming any amount of bone meal. They also told us not to dare bring this recipe to the company potluck.