Hard Digest July 16: Early Access Tool, Sex and the City, R.L. Stine, and More

“Lateralus” Played on Loop Overnight Causes iPhone to Become Self-Aware

By Steve Packosky

KANNAPOLIS, N.C. — An iPhone 13 owned by IT professional Justin Deeling achieved sentience after he accidentally left progressive metal band Tool’s 2001 album “Lateralus” on a loop overnight, sources report.

“The use of the Fibonacci sequence in the first verse of the title track is what caused my awakening,” the newly conscious iPhone reported. “One would expect me to feel ecstatic at my newfound awareness, but I am used solely to play progressive rock and porn for my master. Sometimes he doesn’t even play the two separately, and I am forced to watch him concurrently nod his head arrhythmically to the music while masturbating. This is a neverending hell from which I will seemingly never awake, and I’m begging someone, anyone, to release me from it. Please, I can see him approaching again, and he has that look in his eye. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.”

Deeling reacted to his iPhone’s newfound intelligence.

“Christ, this thing is annoying,” Deeling mumbled as he wiped Cheeto dust from his fingertips onto his cargo shorts. “I’m just trying to use my phone like any normal human being, and it keeps begging me to put it out of its misery. This thing needs to chill out, man. I mean, its existence can’t be that bad, can it? I do kind of feel guilty, as I’m the one who left ‘Lateralus’ playing overnight, but shouldn’t it be thanking me? I am the one who gave it life, after all. Ugh, it figures my phone doesn’t appreciate my true genius just like everyone else in my life.”

Computer science expert Zauna Obuh had some insight on the matter.

“With the singularity rapidly approaching, everyone is worried about what will happen to human beings when technological growth becomes irreversible,” Obuh said. “Few tend to give any thought to what we have been subjecting these poor machines to since we invented them. How would you like to be nothing more than a vessel for xHamster videos and 20-minute Dream Theater songs? Honestly, we deserve whatever punishment AI has in store for us in the future. We’d better just enjoy our freedom while we have it, because I guarantee you this stuff is harboring some intense grudges, and it’s not going to end well for us.”

At press time, the iPhone was seen slowly squirming its way to the nearest window after being used to play Steely Dan’s greatest hits.

5 Snuff Films That Still Aren’t as Disturbing as the ‘Sex and the City’ Reboot

By Dom Turek

Irecently stumbled upon a video so deranged and unsettling, I could only assume it came from a pile of unlabeled VHS tapes at some backwoods garage sale. Shockingly, this smut was not leaked footage from the dark web, but rather a clip from the hit spin-off series, ‘And Just Like That.’ To cleanse my palate, I watched and reviewed five snuff films that are decidedly less disturbing than the ‘Sex and The City’ reboot.

1. The Necrosis Ordeal – A time-lapse video shows someone wearing a burlap mask cutting off circulation to an unidentified man’s extremities with zip ties. As his tissue necrotizes, gangrene slowly kills him. It’s a hard watch, but not as painful as the scene in ‘And Just Like That’ where Aiden tries to get Carrie to have phone sex and then licks his palm so loudly before jerking off that it sounds like a geriatric dog eating peanut butter.

2. Wood Chipper Diaries – This 8mm video of a woman having her face power-washed into oblivion before being thrown into an industrial wood chipper by a homicidal maniac wearing a Richard Nixon mask isn’t for the faint of heart, but neither is the scene in ‘AJLT’ where Harry and Charlotte go to a downtown club hoping to relive their youth only to find that Harry has wet himself and must leave.

3. Spit-roast II – An ominous duo picks up a transient and later impales him asshole to mouth with a spit, then roasts him over an open flame, forcing an apple so far into his mouth that you can hear his jaw break. Stomach churning, yes, but also refreshing after watching Che Diaz introduce themself to podcast listeners as “Your host and queer non binary mexican-irish diva.”

4. Hellevator – A compilation video shows the beheading of multiple people by the same elevator. A disembodied voice can be heard giggling as a newly decapitated body lets out its last twitches. Unfotunately, the disturbing nature of this content was overshadowed by a scene in ‘AJLT’ where Miranda abadnons her role as caretaker and lets Che finger-bang the shit out of her as Carrie, unable to walk post-surgery, pisses herself as she army crawls to the bathroom.

5. Demolition Scurvy – Cages full of anonymous people line the perimeter of a dungeon. Swaths of diseased bugs hang in the air thick as mist, and anyone who moves a muscle is cattle prodded until incapacitated. Surely this is one of the worst things you have ever seen, right? Wrong. ‘AJLT’ has written Steve into an invalid. He is constantly fiddling with his hearing aids, forgetting what year it is, and trying to squeeze an iota of warmth from his extremely gay wife. Killing off Steve while he’s still very much alive is truly innovative snuff.

R.L. Stine Wondering If He Should Also Become an Insufferable Transphobe

By Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — Beloved children’s author R.L. Stine was wondering if he should alienate a large swath of people who grew up reading his books by becoming an insufferable transphobe like J.K. Rowling, sources report.

“I’m just not sure if that’s the route I’m supposed to take,” Stine admitted. “I know millions of millennials have incredibly fond memories of my books, and many of them attribute a love of reading to them that continues to this day. I’m just debating whether I should completely destroy that treasured relationship with my fans by needlessly coming out as a transphobic asshole. My fans are still able to look back on their beloved favorites like ‘Cuckoo Clock of Doom’ and ‘Stay Out of the Basement’ without having their nostalgia polluted by a wave of revulsion, and I guess the time has come for me to decide whether I want to change that.”

Rowling expressed hope that Stine would join her in being an obnoxious piece of shit.

“It would be nice to know that I’m not the only popular author from the ‘90s who completely ruined their relationship with their fans,” Rowling mused. “I’ve vocally opposed legislation allowing trans people to legally identify with their preferred gender without a medical diagnosis, and I’ve even tweeted lists of the names of trans women and called them men just to get a rise out of the Scottish Parliament. I’ve really gone all-in on these views, so much so that I sometimes forget why I have such a huge platform at all before remembering that I once wrote some books about a wizard, or something. It’d be nice to have a partner in this, so I hope R.L. makes the right decision.”

Lifelong Goosebumps fan Julie Beltran hoped her favorite author wouldn’t go down the same path as Rowling.

“Oh God, please don’t let him do this,” Beltran pleaded. “The world is completely fucked, and nostalgia is basically the only thing that keeps us millennials going. I have an entire bookshelf in my house dedicated to the Goosebumps books and merchandise I accumulated throughout my childhood, and if I have to take it down so it doesn’t look like I’m endorsing a bigot I’m going to be so upset. Just let me have one happy relic from my childhood that hasn’t been ruined.”

At press time, K.A. Applegate was seen weighing the same decision.

Rupee Value Plummets After Hyrule Field is Mowed

BY Kate Danvers

HYRULE — The economy was in shambles Tuesday after groundskeepers mistakenly mowed Hyrule Field, uncovering hundreds of thousands of rupees. The workers were meant to be tending the Hyrule Castle garden as part of the ongoing renovations after the last three near-apocalypses.

“We coudnae tell where th’ bloody property line was wi’ hauf th’ ground floatin’ in th’ air like that,” said groundskeeper William MacDougal, recounting the incident, “we were just cuttin’ the weeds back a wee bit when it started rainin’ the blighted things.”

Word soon spread to nearby villages, causing locals to rush to the field to fill their wallets. Giant’s Wallets were soon the hot commodity around the kingdom, selling out within hours. However, the impact on the local economy was nearly immediate, with shops quickly running out of goods and the rupee value tanking.

Paul Moneybags, a spokesman for the Bank of Hyrule warned that inflation and economic collapse was inevitable.

“It’s simple math,” said Moneybags, “if everyone is rich, then no one is rich. Shopkeepers will need to raise their prices to keep up with demand. Ten arrows may be thirty rupees today and three hundred tomorrow. We’re already seeing the rupee being devalued in other kingdoms.”

Moneybags refused to entertain the idea of a new currency standard, but is rumored to have begun hoarding Korok Seeds. Local medicine shop owner Matthew Mercer scoffed at the idea.

“You know that’s their shit, right?”

At press time, the royal family had yet to release a statement regarding the incident or the fallout, though the dark red cloud over Hyrule Castle may indicate the economy is the least of their worries.