Hard Digest July 14: Early Access Turnstile, Spinge, Barbie, and More

Chief of Previously Uncontacted Tribe Asks Explorers if They’ve Heard the New Turnstile Album

By Tim Graham

TAUARIAZINHO, Brazil — An encounter with an isolated tribe resulted in an unexpected discussion of the band Turnstile, according to dumbfounded jungle guides.

“My team and I were deep in the heart of the Amazon jungle in search of a mythical lost city,” said expedition lead Sir Henry Beauregard. “After days of hacking our way through the undergrowth, we encountered an indigenous group. We were able to communicate by using elements of several local dialects. Strangely, all they wanted to talk about was the musical group Turnstile. The chief showed us dozens of copies of the band’s album ‘Glow On,’ which he claimed were a gift from the gods that came floating downriver. They’d managed to listen to the music via a rudimentary phonograph made from a porcupine quill and a large leaf rolled into a conical shape.”

Cargo plane pilot Captain Greg Lander thinks he may know how the tribe came into possession of the records.

“Our flight paths occasionally have us flying over very remote areas,” said Captain Lander. “Sometimes atmospheric conditions will cause us to burn more fuel than usual, requiring us to dump weight to stay in the air. I do recall a few years ago, our cargo included dozens of crates of records destined for a distribution center in Brasilia. We ran into some trouble and had to jettison some of them over the jungle. My guess is a crate of Turnstile records landed in the river and wound up at that village. They should be grateful we dumped those and not the Benson Boone records.”

It is often problematic when Western culture permeates secluded societies, explained anthropologist Susan Montgomery.

“Unfortunately, uncontacted peoples’ first encounters with modern civilization are often via accidental exposure to mass-produced goods. For instance, there is an African tribe who came to believe a Furby they came across was a demon which needed to be appeased with sacrifices. Indonesia’s Polahi tribe have been observed worshipping a shrine made of Garfield phones which washed up on their shores in the ‘80s. And there’s a group in the Australian outback whose ceremonial dress consists of ‘Whoomp! (There It Is)’ shirts they somehow acquired.”

At press time, the chief managed to get a copy of Turnstile’s new album “Never Enough,” which he deemed to be “decent, but a little too commercial sounding.”

Opinion: It’s Interesting How They Claim To Want To “Make America Great Again,” Yet I Never Hear Much Sponge on the Radio These Days

By Chris Bowen

“Make America Great Again.” Yeah, okay. These clowns have been in our country’s political scene for like over ten years now, and I haven’t seen much “greatness.” “Tariff” this and “complete erosion of our foundational political norms coupled with total egregious corruption and fear” that. But have I heard Sponge on the radio once in this period of neo-fascism? I certainly haven’t. I heard everything but the standout college rock songs of the 1990s. There’s nothing so “great” about that.

When I was a kid in the 1990s, Sponge seemed to be associated with all the fun a kid could have in that decade. “Rotting Piñata” was the soundtrack to every mall visit, miniature golf experience, and every custody battle I was involved in. There is not one bad memory of loading into the family car, driving to a roller skating rink with “Sixteen Candles” playing on the local college rock radio station.

Now, fast forward 30 years, and look at what our lives have become.

Now, it’s all “pay your electric bill” and “you have to stop eating all those Funyuns or you’ll probably die.” Man, back when America was actually great, I never had to worry about that stuff, or being thrown in an El Salvadorian prison. But worst of all, all of this shit is going on without “Plowed” popping on 95.1 as I’m crying on my way to work. No more malls, no more miniature golf, sure, maybe one or two more custody battles, but even they just aren’t the same. I hope you people who voted for this got what you wished for.

In order to truly turn things around in this country, I would suggest a total overthrow of the cookie-cutter, business-over-art state of the radio business. Then we implement non-stop 90s college rock radio across the airwaves. We could truly make “America Great Again,” through the likes of Sponge and even the Toadies, the soundtrack to our real revolution.

Bushwick Child Cagey About How They Are Able to Afford Barbie Dreamhouse

By Sarah Cortina

BUSHWICK, N.Y. — Bushwick child Avery Bridgerton reportedly acted quite cagey when questioned on the playground about how they could afford their Barbie Dreamhouse, confirmed sources.

“Look, what I do is real work. We all have to forge our own journey. Mommy signed me up for piano lessons and writing lessons but my pre-school really emphasized going after what you’re passionate about. And my true purpose is art,” said Bridgerton while gesturing to their finger painting consisting of various blobs. “How I spend my days is just as valuable as anyone else. Even if I go to Montessori school instead of public school and my parents keep referring to something called a trust fund, I’m just like everyone else. I’ve actually suffered for my art because while this Barbie Dreamhouse has everything you could ever want, my old dollhouse didn’t even have in-unit washer dryer or central air conditioning. Mommy said I had to choose between the new Dreamhouse or a new saddle for my pony. She’s the worst.”

Some classmates, such as local seven year old Chase Williams, haven’t bought the child’s excuses.

“I don’t trust Avery. Whenever we ask about the playhouse and what their daddy does for work, they just say he ‘works with computers’ and ‘helps people.’ He should pursue something worthwhile, like building block towers or b2b marketing. Or my startup,” said Williams. “Oh, and Avery is also just pretentious. They claim to want to be friends but then reschedules playdates because of ‘family stuff.’ Avery also thinks they’re better than everyone because they grew up watching Baby Einstein instead of Cocomelon.”

After much cajoling Bridgerton sheepishly revealed that their parents are the ones who bought the house.

“We just want to support Avery with basic needs. But you know, everyone deserves a little bit of luxury in their life,” said father Thomas Bridgerton. “Plus, if we don’t give Avery what they want, they bite and somehow they’ve figured out how to make their teeth sharper by gnawing on hard surfaces. We’ve tried gentle parenting, but we ended up in the emergency room. It’s safer for everyone to just give in to Avery, like the Barbie Dream Camper they demanded this morning.”

At press time, Bridgerton also acted standoffish when asked how they were able to afford the rideable Barbie Convertible Car.

Game of Thrones: Kingsroad Perfectly Captures Careless, Half-Baked Feel of TV Show

BY Jacob Albrecht

SEOUL, South Korea — The latest Westeros-based video game, Game of Thrones: Kingsroad has proven to be a faithful testament to more of the same-old disappointment fans of the franchise have come to loathe, disillusioned sources confirm.

“We are absolutely delighted to finally share our newest addition to the Game of Thrones universe with gamers and anyone else with a credit card and low standards for quality,” said HBO’s President and CEO Casey Bloys. “We are so grateful to the thousands of Thrones fans out there who have continuously been willing to throw their money at us for almost nothing in return, and with this newest game’s price tag of sort-of-but-not-really free, we can finally prey on more of those fans than ever.”

Eager players were quick to weigh in with their thoughts on developer Netmarble Neo’s latest Game of Thrones title.

“They really knocked it out of the park with this one,” claimed Alex Schumacher, 26. “With boring, drawn-out cutscenes; broken movement and repetitive combat, I really felt like I was right back in 2017 watching my favorite show fall apart at the seams. The greed and perversion of it all just gave me such a rush of nostalgia. Plus, this game at least gives me something to do while waiting for George to write The Winds of Winter. Yup, any day now.”

Netmarble Neo Executive Producer Hyun-il Jang gladly recounted the long and rigorous development process for this absolute dumpster fire.

“Funny enough, we sort of worked backwards when we set out to make Kingsroad,” said Hyun-il. “We started out by making a much better, far more robust version of the game, before working with the good people at HBO to ‘rough it up’ a bit. They felt that the game was far too enjoyable for Game of Thrones fans, who have become accustomed to cheap, flashy cash-grabs over the course of the last decade. With their input in mind, we were finally able to make the lackluster capitalist nightmare that is Game of Thrones: Kingsroad.”

At press time, Jon Snow assured us that just one more in-app purchase will vanquish the Army of the Dead for good.