Hard Digest July 13: Early Access Pajamas, Male Loneliness, and Rashes

Cancelled Band’s Tour Shirt Demoted to Pajamas

By Ben Friedman

NEWTON, Mass. — A local man’s once beloved band tour shirt was unceremoniously demoted to being worn exclusively as pajamas after the group was declared cancelled by the general public, family members have confirmed.

“What the hell did I do to my owner to deserve this? I’ve been a conversation piece for over two decades, and just because people found out the lead singer DM’d some underage girls and the rest of the band knew, I have to be downgraded to sleepwear? If people can separate the art from the artist, surely we can do so for the merchandise as well,” said the shirt from its new permanent spot draped over an office chair. “I’m lucky if I even make it past the bathroom after his morning shits, on top of the humiliation of being in the jammies rotation with a Morrissey tank top. I yearn to be free!”

The shirt’s owner said his choices were either transitioning it to pajamas or throwing it away.

“Don’t get me wrong, I feel disgusted and betrayed by the band’s actions and will never support them again. But this shirt is from the first show I ever attended, so I figured the next best thing was to keep it around for wearing to bed or when I’m too lazy to put on fresh clothes in the house. I got some nasty looks last time I wore it out in public, so it was either this or the trash can,” said James Thomlinson. “I’ll wear it to sleep for a few months until it gets all stretched out and then cram it into the back of my closet where the moths can take care of it”

Second hand clothing stores have been struggling to find viable uses for shirts from problematic bands.

“We’ll take almost anything so long as it’s in good condition, but man these pop punk and emo tees are a hard sell and yet we’ve been flooded with them after all these bands have been outed as creeps. We’ve ‘rebranded’ them as dish rags and animal pee pads in order to make them more appealing, which seems to be working,” said Savers manager Diane Parsons. “You should see how many Brand New tees we’ve sold as reusable diapers. It’s our number one seller.”

As of press time, Thomlinson’s wife surprised him by incorporating the shirt into an upcycled blanket with the rest of his cancelled band tees.

There’s No Such Thing as a Male Loneliness Epidemic as Long as These Volleyballs I’ve Drawn Faces on Don’t Leave Me

By Doug Kolic

Anew buzzed-about phrase that the media has been discussing lately is the idea that men in society are experiencing a severe epidemic of loneliness. Don’t get me wrong, I agree that mental health is incredibly important, but I also like to call out crap whenever I hear it. That’s why I can unequivocally say this isn’t a real problem — and I have the confidence to say that in a room filled with a dozen smiling faces I’ve drawn on volleyballs. As long as they stay with me, I’ll never be alone.

If you’re one of those people who crave face-to-face interaction with actual human beings, that’s perfectly fine — just know that more often than not, it’ll leave you disappointed when they inevitably fail to meet your needs. Like when you invited everyone over to each birthday you ever had from age five to thirty-five, and nobody ever bothered to show up.

Real-life people, back when I still interacted with them, used to call me “unhinged” with a “screw-loose,” coupled with a personality that was “downright frightening.” These were just lies, inspired by jealousy. Nothing could be further from the truth, and if you disagree, feel free to take it up with my close-knit circle of Mikasa V200Ws, who I’m confident will gladly vouch for me.

That’s why my life is so much better than everyone else’s — who wouldn’t want a team of devoted, loyal pals who’ve always got your back? If I ask one of them to be my plus-one for Friday movie night, they never say no. Well, except for that one occasion with my blue Wilson K1. But let’s just say a swift puncture to the side of his tiny leathered face quickly resolved matters, and we’ve been on great terms ever since.

Whether you want to call it “modern solitude,” a “social disconnection crisis,” or “a crippling case of isolation caused by my questionable interactions with inanimate objects that is now on the radar of local law enforcement,” that’s up to you. All I know is that tonight I’m gonna do what I always do on Friday nights — cracking open a few cold ones, throwing on my Fight Club DVD, and having sex with a bunch of volleyballs.

Dry Hump Rash Spreads Through Christian Music Festival

By Dan Kozuh

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Health officials working the medical tent at the popular Living Flesh Music Festival have confirmed reports of a full-blown outbreak of Dry Hump Rash rapidly spreading through the crowd of the three-day Christian music retreat.

“We were suddenly inundated with people who had terrible burning on their inner thighs, lower abdominals, and, um, the loins. They claimed it was from being baptized in the runoff behind the port-o-johns but the visible denim-imprints made it pretty obvious. It seems more than just the holy spirit was moving these teens,” said volunteer medic Brian Camden, while discreetly handing out anti-chafing cream. “The worst we usually get here is heatstroke and the occasional talking in tongues. We preach that any contact below the belt, even if it is covered, is a slippery slope to hell. That’s why we call these blisters, Satan’s Scales.”

Attendees of the concert, however, absolutely deny these allegations.

“I was only in my tent with that girl to pray with her because she was so upset about the Michael Tait allegations. The next thing you know we are both on fire. It was the devil, obviously. Our faith was just too strong and a demon tried to enter us through our Adam & Eve,” said 17-year-old attendee Connor B., holding an ice-filled Chick-fil-A to-go bag against his pelvis. “Thankfully, my youth pastor agreed to marry us during the Land of Uz performance. He said that was the only way to truly cast the demon out. That’s great actually, I’m almost 18 and I was beginning to think I’d never get married.”

Experts blame a dangerous combination of abstinence-only education and typical elevated music festival horniness.

“You can’t just gather thousands of hormonal teens together who believe masturbation is a sin, blast contemporary Christian rock, and let them rub up against one another in a pitiful excuse for a mosh pit — this was inevitable,” said Dr. Jenna Wexler, a public health official and former church camp counselor. “If you’re gonna preach abstinence, you can’t leave anyone unmarried unattended for more than 15 minutes. A purity ring isn’t powerful enough to stop homeschool kids being away from their parents for the first time.”

At press time, a youth group from Arkansas was asked to leave after a heavy petting orgy broke out in their tent which ignited a brush fire.