Hard Digest July 11: Early Access Drinking, Don't Tread on Me, Serial Killers, and More

Metalhead Carefully Considers Answer For Doctor’s “How Many Drinks Per Week” Question That Won’t Send Him To Rehab But Won’t Make Him Look Like A Loser

By Dan Kozuh

DENVER — Local metalhead Nick Landon, 35, carefully considered his answer after his primary care physician asked him how many alcoholic drinks he consumes in an average week, confirmed sources in their Jungle Rot boxers on the exam table.

“I began calculating a number that wouldn’t result in me being admitted or, worse, my doctor thinking I’m some loser who just drinks water like some kind of Stryper fan. If I say five, I sound like I have no friends,” Landon whispered to a nurse, eyes darting to a poster about liver health. “But if I tell him the truth—which is probably case, case-and-a-half depending on band practice and whether AEW has a PLE on—I’m gonna find myself forced to talk to a guy named Chad who wants to speak to me about my ‘journey.’ And not Steve Perry’s Journey. So I said 7, maybe 10, I just left out that was per day.”

Dr. Veda Narayanan, who reportedly kept a neutral expression throughout the exam, later told colleagues that she knew Landon’s answer was “distorted” based on the patient’s blood work alone.

“Let’s just say his blood actually smelled like Jägermeister. I’ve seen livers in worse shape, but they were in corpses I dissected in medical school,” Narayanan said, flipping through AA pamphlets. “And this is on top of all the other medical issues he has from not having seen a doctor since his last high school vaccination.

Sociocultural addiction specialist Dr. Amelia Roach explained that this is a common issue with aging metalheads.

“It’s a tightrope. Metalheads in their mid-to-late 30s, still wearing battle vests with patches for bands from before 1997, often have to strike a precarious balance between life and living,” Roach explained. “They don’t want people to be embarrassed to be seen at Maryland Deathfest with them because last year they passed out in the Port-O-Toilet but they also don’t want to be seen as a wet blanket.”

After the check-up, Landon announced he’d be making some changes to his lifestyle. Specifically, he plans to cut back and drink Jack and Diet Cokes from now on.

Why the “Don’t Tread On Me” Bumper Sticker on My Car Means I Don’t Have to Use My Turn Signal

By Steve Packosky

Move over, cuck! You’re wrong for assuming you’d receive the same courtesy you show to others, because around here, I run the road. I don’t know how they taught you to drive up in Woke Groomer Vermont or wherever it is you’re from, but down here in Western Pennsylvania, those of us who actually show our love for our country on our bumpers are exempt from using their turn signals. Get used to it.

As you very well should already know, turn signals are just another form of governmental oppression, like masks, vaccines, and condoms, and I’ve done just fine without those. Sure, there was that brief two-week stint I spent in intensive care after I went to that amazing Great White concert during a COVID surge, but I think I was just tired. Well, tired and struggling to breathe. We don’t need to get into it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you not see my bumper sticker on my excessively modified Ford F-150? “Don’t Tread On Me” also refers to horn beeps and middle fingers, there, pal, so you’d better be careful. This decal of 6 guns with the words “My Family” on my back window isn’t a feint. Not only am I fully prepared to escalate this situation far beyond what is reasonable, but I am chomping at the bit to do so. Also, I never started a family.

All I did was swerve suddenly into your lane without any warning or indication. It’s not like I did something truly obnoxious like tailgate you excessively or throw empty cans of Monster Energy at the back of your car. I did that to the guy in front of me, and I don’t see him bitching about my driving.

Well, true, he very well may be bitching about my driving from the ditch I ran his car into, but that’s beside the point.

I digress. There’s just no getting through to you libs, so I don’t even know why I bother. Go ahead and use your woke-ass turn signal to your heart’s content. I don’t care. We patriots will continue making the country run, so go ahead to your drag story hour or art history class or whatever. I would say I’m sorry I violated your precious little traffic laws, but you and I both know that would be total bullshit.

Serial Killer Leaves Knife Hanging Over Side of Sink in Case He Wants to Kill Again Later

By Patrick Coyne

MOAB, Utah — Local sociopath and murder enthusiast Greg Allen Hargrove reportedly left his favorite blade casually hanging over the side of the sink Tuesday evening “just in case” he felt like treating himself to another killing spree later, confirmed sources.

“I dunno, I wasn’t really in the mood for another body, but you never know,” Hargrove said nonchalantly while scrolling through red room streams on the dark web. “I keep the knife there for convenience, you know? Like, ‘Hey, if something happens, I’ll be ready.’ If not, it’s no big deal. I’ll just clean it up tomorrow. Or whenever I get around to it.”

Hargove’s roommate of five months, Tim Bradford, expressed frustration of the brutal serial killer’s laziness and slovenly lifestyle, seemingly unaware or indifferent to Hargrove’s murderous extracurricular activities.

“Hey, man. To each his own. As long as you pay your rent on time, I don’t care if you throw parties, have friends over, or even if there’s muffled screams emanating from his bedroom at all hours of the night. But when you start leaving dirty dishes and knives around, we have a problem,” explained Bradford. “Like, what if I’m having a girl over and then she freaks out because Hargrove left a femur in the bathtub? I guess he must have a dog somewhere and that’s why he’s got the bones? Again, I don’t care. Just clean your shit.”

Renowned FBI profiler Dr. Sandra Laxley points out that Hargrove’s laziness nearly disqualifies him from being labeled a serial killer.

“I’ve studied hundreds of serial killers, and most of them are perfectionists, fixating on their victim’s last moments and making sure to cover their tracks,” Dr. Laxley explained. “But Greg? Greg is something different. He’s like the guy who shows up at the gym, but instead of working out, he just texts on his phone for an hour. He’s there, but he’s not really doing the work. As an FBI profiler that does this stuff for a living, I can’t help but think his attitude is really disrespectful.”

At press time, Hargrove was lazily chopping up a body in his bedroom while eating a sandwich and watching an episode of “The Office.”

Cop Who Did Nothing During School Shooting Prevents Skater From Wallriding Five Bells

BY James Mahoney

LONG BEACH, Calif. — The school police officer who waited over an hour to respond to multiple calls of an active school shooter is reported to relentlessly pursue skateboarders from wallriding all five bells spread across the high school campus.

“The department spent a lot of money on this golf cart, and I’m sure they don’t want me getting it all shot up,” said Officer Richard “Dick” Black, 43, the school’s assigned resource officer. “No, they want me to chase down these skateboarding hooligans who are menacing our community. It’s not just the bells they’re screwing with, either. Any classroom that has a poster of the alphabet on the wall soon finds that they’re missing the same five letters: A, E, K, S, and T. There must be some kind of connection between those letters, but, hey, I’m not a detective. No, I’ve got one job, and it has nothing to do with ensuring kids make it out of school alive. My job is to hassle people who can’t fight back.”

Students who survived the shooting were shocked at the officer’s behavior.

“There I was, laying down with day-old taquera sauce spread on my scalp to look like blood, pretending to be dead,” recounted skateboarder and school shooting survivor Camden Gibbs, 16. “I thought the same cop who chased me with his nightstick for wallriding a bell would pursue the gunman with the same vigor. I was wrong. The full force of his power he wielded unto us skaters: golf carts, night vision goggles, that body armor suit with the weird neck for bomb disposal. But when it counted, he had no courage for an actual threat.”

Los Angeles County School Board superintendent Phillip Fuentes came out in full support of the school police officer. 

“I salute all brave men and women in uniform who are doing their job protecting our expensive bell system, our first line of defense in a highly integrated safety network designed to warn students about active shooters,” said Fuentes, noting the recent installation of a fifth bell on top of the roof by the pool. “We’ve spent countless dollars maintaining and repairing the system over the last sixteen years, but we believe it has many productive years ahead if not destroyed by low-life skaters. After all, if the bells won’t protect our children, who will?”

At press time, local officers attempted to rehabilitate their reputation by violently assaulting skaters on Main Street, near O’Neil’s Bar and Grill.

Toadsworth Not Yet Ready to Endorse Pauline

BY Matt Fresh

NEW DONK CITY — Princess Peach’s chief steward Toadsworth has recently stated that he is not yet ready to endorse Pauline for mayor of New Donk City.

“We don’t really know each other that well,” stated Toadsworth to press. “Our districts don’t overlap and we’ve never had a substantive conversation. So until that happens I just don’t know if Pauline is the right candidate for me to give my endorsement to. There are many positives I see in her campaign but many negatives as well. I’ve been in this game a long time now so I won’t endorse just anybody even if their only competition is maniacally evil. I really have to weigh my options to make sure I’m endorsing the candidate that will be the best for the citizens of New Donk City. Whether that’s Pauline or Kamek remains to be seen.”

Many members of the Toad establishment reacted with alarm to Pauline’s victory in the mayoral primary.

“Her platform is simply too radical and it will alienate voters,” claimed Toadette. “I mean song and dance numbers? High quality of living? No kidnappings of government officials? Madness. She wants to completely restructure the fabric of what the Mushroom Kingdom is. She’ll lead voters right to the Bowser party. What we need is someone who can appeal to both sides while doing absolutely nothing to stop Bowser’s evil plans from progressing.”

While the New Donk City voters believe that Pauline will help bring about positive change to the city, especially in the face of the rising threat of Bowser, Toadsworth isn’t so sure.

“It’s great that she was able to rally the voter base but many of her ideas are just not how you deal with the threat that the Koopa movement brings. Sure making life better for everyone sounds good on paper but that’s just not how this kingdom works. You can’t just decide to make things better and then make sweeping changed to actually do it. Fixing the systematic issues that lead to support of Bowser isn’t how we do things. We call Mario to stomp on some heads, then do nothing to dole out any lasting consequences so Bowser is enabled to try again. It’s what keeps our economy going.”

At press time, the Toads have launched an investigation into Pauline over her alleged past with Donkey Kong.