Hard Digest July 7: Netanyahu, Early Access Sting, Political Correctness, Zoom, and More

Netanyahu Presents Trump With Blown Up Body of Palestinian Two-Year-Old as Thank You for Continued US Support

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited President Trump at the White House today and gifted him the remains of an infant killed by American bombs in Gaza, multiple sources confirmed.

“America is the best friend Israel could ever ask for. To show my appreciation I brought him a fruit basket with Israel’s most delicious offerings, and an unidentified corpse of a future Hamas terrorist that we were able to eradicate because the American taxpayers have been so generous to our cause,” said Netanyahu while trying to wash the blood from his hands. “Traditionally, we would have just thrown this body in an unmarked mass grave, but I wanted President Trump to see that his support is not going to waste. Hopefully I’ll be able to bring him more exploded children next time, there are certainly plenty of them to choose from.”

President Trump spoke about his fondness for the gift and the relationship with Israel going forward.

“This is really great stuff. I love seeing just how powerful American bombs are, I opened up that bag and you can’t even tell it was a kid. I hope we can start using some of these bombs on the border and in these cities run by radical leftist lunatics. If we want to make America great again we have to blow a few people up, there is no way around it,” said Trump. “Prime Minister Netanyahu is also going to lend us a few members of his military to train our brave ICE agents on the best way to subdue a population. It’s going to be beautiful, then we are going to have illegal immigrants fighting on the White House lawn to the death and the winner gets a green card. Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Democratic leader Chuck Schumer pushed back against the Netanyahu visit.

“It’s a disgusting display that Prime Minister Netanyahu didn’t bring more dead children as a sign of appreciation for all the Democrats who have supported him over the past two years. Democrats have stood firmly by his side, we want to see those dead children ourselves. We didn’t sign those bombs because we like the look of our signatures,” said Schumer. “I just hope he sees the error of his ways, but I would also like to apologize to anyone at AIPAC for speaking out of turn. Please don’t turn off my money, I’m just frustrated, we can work through this.”

At press time, Netanyahu turned on a live feed of a Gaza aid site and let President Trump yell the ceremonial “Open fire” to Israeli troops with their guns trained on starving Palestinians.

Report: Sting Almost Done Having Sex Begun in 1994

By Nathan Kamal

LOS ANGELES — Legendary rock musician Sting has finally neared climax in a round of sexual intercourse that originally began in 1994, according to sources close to the coitus.

“Sting has been having the same round of intercourse for decades now,” said Carter Shah, Sting’s official biographer and sex timeline monitor. “While many fans became aware of the singer’s propensity for tantric lovemaking through his drunken 1993 interview with scarf-wearer Bob Gelfod, few know that he has actually been in constant lovemaking for years. That includes during the recording of hits like ‘Desert Rose,’ his 2007 reunion tour with The Police, and just off-camera in his supporting role in ‘Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.’”

“However, according to the feverish grunts I hear,” Shah added, listening through a water glass pressed against the wall of Sting’s bedroom. “It sounds like he’s about to cum.”

Sting’s wife Trudie Styler confirmed via text message that their 1990s-era sex was close to conclusion.

“When Gordon and I first got together,” Styler’s texts read. “I thought that he was exaggerating about his ability to prolong sex and, as he put it to Geldof, ‘take you to higher levels, where you don’t spill your seed.’ That was kind of weird, but I went along with it anyway and now I know that, if anything, he was underplaying it. In theory, this is pleasurable, but I also have missed everything from Y2K to that season of ‘American Crime Story’ where Cuba Gooding Jr. plays OJ, which has been a bit of a letdown.”

Sting himself also sent a somewhat garbled email to indicate that the idea of 30-year sex might actually be better in theory than practice.

“I’m a hugely busy guy,” read Sting’s email, apparently composed while nearing ejaculation. “I’ve got acting roles, music to record, more philanthropic efforts than you can possibly imagine. For years, I’ve sent stand-ins for every public appearance that I could while I’ve been plowing me wife, but still, I can’t do that all the time. You have no idea how awkward it is to make eye contact with Shaggy while simultaneously recording a collaborative reggae album and achieving heights of erotic pleasure that few humans have ever known. It’s weird, mate.”

As of press time, Sting’s orgasm was reportedly delayed by four more months after he accidentally thought about the time he saw Eric Clapton naked at Live Aid.

Opinion: Political Correctness is Ruining Bigotry

By Mike Moran

As we all know, “woke” culture has permeated nearly all facets of our American way of life, soaking through to the very fabric of our being, and our right to live free. It seems nothing is sacred anymore, not even the centuries-long tradition of judging, and condemning others based on their looking or acting differently than myself.

My grandfather was a great man who worked hard his whole life. He loved his family, his church, and a good old-fashioned racist joke every now and again. But when I try to honor his legacy nowadays, and break out the one about the “chinaman, the jewish, and the pants-wearing-woman, walking into a bar together,” I get stares of disapproval from the entire PTA.

It’s not just social interaction that is affected. Political correctness is silencing the serious discussions we need to have in this country, like how it’s totally weird how some dudes are attracted to other dudes. Or how young people are starting to dress outside of contemporary cultural fashion norms which dictate clothing styles arbitrarily associated with specific genders.

I mean, do you think George Washington or Jesus would have been caught wearing anything besides pants?

And don’t even get me started on immigrants. Listen, “native Americans” if you don’t like being called Indians, maybe you should go back to your own country. No one asked you to come here. I mean, it’s not like us white people came to India, and tried to force everyone to act the way we wanted.

We have to save America before it’s too late, people. If we don’t act now we could have an entire generation of citizens respecting one another without regard to race, gender, religion, or truck ownership.

It’s our right, nay our duty as proud, patriotic, Americans to fight political correctness like we fight the environment.I would like to think the founding fathers smile down on us true citizens, every time we use our freedom of speech to belittle an already marginalized minority, just like they intended.

Virtual Dominatrix Caught on Zoom Call Wearing Pants

By Peter Woods

TRENTON, N.J. — Local virtual dominatrix Vixen Velvetlash was caught on Zoom wearing pants, shocking the BDSM community, confirmed disappointed sources.

“I feel violated and humiliated, but not in a good or sexual way,” said Armaan Fuller, Velvetlash’s sub who was on the call. “I was in the middle of putting my nipple clamps on and I just happened to look back at my screen through my gimp mask. And I saw my master stand up from her computer chair wearing a very comfortable-looking pair of grey sweatpants. She even had a pair of Lilo and Stitch slippers on. I couldn’t even look at her after that and not just because she makes me punch myself in the balls every time I do.”

Since the encounter, Velvetlash issued numerous formal apologies to both Fuller and the fetish community as a whole.

“I’m so ashamed,” said Velvetlash while searching Amazon for latex sweatpants. “Moving forward, I promise never to make my clients feel like their humiliation isn’t my sole focus when we have a session. And I am taking concrete steps to right this wrong. For instance, I promise to minimize all online poker games I have running on my computer during all dom interactions and I will move my computer so that my roommate won’t accidentally walk through the background at any point.”

However, the consequences of this incident have not just been experienced within the BDSM community, as ripple effects travel throughout daily life.

“We’re all trying to figure out what the ramifications will be,” said Clara Kaufman, a spokesperson for the Federal Communications Commission. “Normally, people fill out a form anytime they see something vaguely offensive, but this is the opposite problem, which is better than what we usually get, but it’s just kind of annoying that we have to write a new form letter saying we can’t do anything about people on the internet not being inappropriate enough.”

Despite the apologies, Velvetlash decided to move entirely to text, a decision many suspect was taken so the dominatrix can watch Netflix while working.

Birdo’s Doctor Tells Her That Is Absolutely Not the Hole Her Eggs Should Be Coming From

BY Steve Packosky

SUBCON — Super Mario Bros. 2 boss Birdo experienced a startling revelation regarding her anatomy when she decided to visit a doctor for the first time in decades, sources report.

“Yeah, apparently my eggs should not be coming out of my mouth,” Birdo mentioned. “According to the doctor, that’s what my cloaca is for. I’d always casually wondered if something was wrong with me, especially with how horrified and disgusted Mario and his crew always looked when I would vomit eggs at them in a gravity-defying straight line. I was just always too busy acting as a scourge to the land of Subcon and serving my master Wart to go to the doctor, but I guess I should’ve done this years ago.”

Birdo’s physician Anita Mueller was taken aback by what she saw.

“There is something desperately wrong with that poor dinosaur,” Mueller noted. “I have absolutely no idea how she’s managed to survive for the past 37 years, but I’ve already referred her to Subcon’s leading surgeon for some major reconstructive work. How she wasn’t able to grasp at some primal level that her body was not functioning as it should be is absolutely bewildering. It should have gone against all of her instincts to not only expel her eggs out of the wrong orifice, but to use them as weapons against her enemies.”

Video game biologist Davon Moore weighed in on the situation.

“It’s not uncommon for the genetic malformations of video game characters to go unnoticed,” Moore provided. “Do you think it’s normal for Dixie Kong to have long blond hair, let alone the ability to float by spinning it around so quickly? Or for Geoff Rowley to be able to get back up without injury and continue skating after being run over by a Minneapolis cab driver? I actually commend Birdo for getting herself looked at, even if it did take her so long to get around to it. I’ve always worried about her.”

At press time, Mueller was seen telling Luigi that his legs definitely should not be spasming like that when he jumps in the air.