Hard Digest July 4: Early Access Crowds, Fetterman, Reels, and More

Crowd Apparently Feeling “Whoo” Tonight

By Shane Pauker

AKRON, Ohio — Attendees at Hamster Death Method’s latest concert felt overwhelmingly “whoo,” per an impromptu survey conducted by the band’s singer, confirmed sources.

“I asked how Akron was doing tonight, and they just said ‘whoo’ in unison,” singer Brett Keats recalled. “I couldn’t believe it, so I told them I couldn’t hear them. They shouted the same thing, only louder. I asked how they were doing because I really wanted to know, not just to make small talk, and they gave me platitudes all the same! Even when I tried to drop it and ask if they were ready to rock, they kept saying ‘whoo.’ God forbid a guy wants to connect with his fans. Not sure what’s come over Ohio, but remind me not to ask the locals any more questions.”

Attendees continued to self-report as “whoo” outside of their hive mind response.

“Hell yeah, I’m feeling ‘whoo’ if not a little ‘woohoo’ tonight!” attendee Jeff Walters confirmed between bites of a bacon-wrapped hot dog purchased outside the venue. “They asked how I’m feeling, and I made sure they heard me! You know what? I’m not just feeling whoo—I’m feeling wolf-whistle and I’m feeling ‘yeah!’ I’m out here to jam to my favorite tunes, and I got an $11 absolute steal on this tall boy of Liquid Death. What’s not to feel ‘whoo’ about?”

Experts suggest the overriding feeling of “whoo” goes beyond concert settings.

“It’s been a recurring trend for my patients,” therapist Michael Jutland explained. “Whenever I ask a young patient how they’re feeling, they give a half-hearted ‘whoop.’ If it’s a particularly good day, they might clap a little bit or stick their fingers in their mouth to whistle. I’ll be blunt: those aren’t emotions. That’s not how normal people express themselves. Even if ‘whoo’ is good, ignoring the nuance and depth of human emotion to force a brave cheer weakens your ability to actually express yourself. Be honest with how you feel; tell the singer that today’s been kind of rough. They’ll understand.”

At press time, a patient was heard asking Dr. Jutland for an encore speech about his emotional inaccessibility.

The Next John Fetterman? The GOP Is Wooing a Job Site Security Guard After an Iron Rod Through the Skull Changed His Entire Personality

By Dan Rice

One was a massively corrupt political party dragging the country into authoritarian oligarchy through lies, xenophobia, and secret police. The other, a Democratic senator, fresh off the heels of a stroke that significantly damaged his brain, and ready to believe anything you told him. It was a meet-cute for the ages, but if you’ve been shipping the GOP and John Fetterman, we’ve got some troubling news — it looks like the Fett-dog might have some competition.

Scott Landers was a mild-mannered and well-liked security guard at a construction site until a workplace accident left him with an iron rod through the skull. Miraculously, he survived, but friends and family report the incident has radically altered the once kind and even-tempered Landers. He is now irate, irrational, and prone to fits of extreme paranoia and delusion — something known in conservative political circles as the “it factor.”

Just when it looked like the GOP was about to drop to one knee and make their situationship with the severely ill John Fetterman legal in front of God and everyone, in barges this tall, severely unstable drink of water. The guy looking at the hot girl in front of his girlfriend meme practically writes itself. Fetterman better up his game fast, because Landers is “speak in tongues brandishing a broken bottle” crazy now, and top conservative lawmakers have sure as hell taken notice.

Landers’ political potential was first noticed by top republicans when a video of him recovering in the hospital went viral. Doctors and hospital staff could be seen desperately trying to restrain him as he attempted to rip out his IV, shouting in a mixture of English and a language of his own design that the fluid contained microchips, that hospitals were slave factories for the satanic deep state, and Israel is America’s biggest responsibility. All while blood still profusely oozed from his fresh skull wound. Rumor has it Mitch McConnell took one look at that video, steepled his fingers, and cooed, “Excellent.” Pennsylvania, there might just be a new senator in town.

Early focus group shows conservative voters identify with Landers’ paranoid lunacy, noting that he seems “down to earth” and “real.” When asked if his platform to arm every man, woman, and child in Pennsylvania with swords and torches until the Rat King and his hypno-hordes had been neutralized, focus groups noted that Landers was likely not being literal, and that the Rat King was a metaphor for government overreach. When shown a video of a disheveled Landers firing a handgun wildly into a sewer, shouting “Get out here ya gaddman Satan Rat man, you don’t fool me!” one group member accused whoever took the video of lacking critical thinking skills because cancel culture.

Fetterman better start tasting some more pennies fast if he has any hope of emerging as the victor in this little love triangle. At this rate, he’ll need a bolt of lightning to destroy an entire hemisphere of what remains of his brain just to compete with this dangerously deranged new conservative dreamboat. The GOP knows the lifeblood of their party is the fear-based madness of those poor twisted souls who, by cruelty of fate, exist in the murky nether-regions between life and death, and Landers has got that in spades. It’s not every day you find a mentally crippled misfortunate with Landers’ youth, vitality, and, rod through the skull aside, rugged good looks. If that rod had bludgeoned its way straight through his skull while Trump was giving out cabinet positions, it wouldn’t even be a contest.

Man Ready to Conquer Day After Instagram Algorithm Feeds Him Several Back-to-Back Reels of Horrific Automotive Fatalities

By Robert John Scucci

BLACKWELL, Okla. — Local man Darren McFadden was ready to take on his day after his Instagram algorithm fed him several consecutive Reels of horrific automotive fatalities, concerned friends and family members reported.

“Life really isn’t so bad when you put everything into perspective,” reported McFadden while casually watching a sizzle reel of parkour outtakes resulting in either death or permanent disfigurement at 2x speed and sipping on his morning coffee. “Sure, my job is miserable and my ex-girlfriend just announced that she’s having twins, but things could be a lot worse. At least I wasn’t that guy who got pancaked by a drunk driver behind the wheel of an F-150 while enjoying lunch at the sub shop because he was sitting too close to the window.”

Longtime friend and victim of McFadden’s willingness to forward the most unhinged content without warning, Chris Harding, is considering therapy after months of waking up to unsolicited gore.

“Darren and I always send each other wacky stuff, but I’m beginning to think that he sincerely enjoys watching countless people he doesn’t know get severely hurt or killed before forwarding it along with a hearty ‘LOL’ that makes the hairs on my neck stand up,” stated Harding while surveying his inbox for ‘Sensitive Content’ warnings. “I never thought I’d miss the overflow of people reviewing food in their cars that typically show up on my feed, but thanks to Darren my Explore page is now a digital landfill of human suffering.”

Social media expert Lauren Hughes worries about the psychological fallout that mass consumption of snuff under the guise of entertainment will have on society if left unchecked.

“It goes without question that we’re not mentally equipped to doom scroll through hundreds of videos of unintentional manslaughter on social media,” asserted Hughes while scrubbing her feed of candid choking incidents at chain restaurants for the third time this week. “On one hand, sussing out AI-generated content versus the real thing has become increasingly difficult, and you really can’t blame users for seeing it as a form of idle entertainment. Conversely, laughing out loud at a man falling into a bear trap while you’re taking a dump is the early warning sign of an entirely new mental illness that we have yet to fully explore.”

At press time, McFadden was spotted searching for his old copy of “Faces of Death” in his storage unit.

Best Video Game War Crimes to Celebrate America

BY Matt Fresh

Happy July 4th! It’s time to celebrate America’s birthday for seemingly the final time. There are a lot of ways one can celebrate America. Fireworks, hot dog eating contests, diabetes and kindergarteners gunned down in finger painting class. While those are all fantastic ways to honor the American way of life, there’s no better way to celebrate everything America is than by committing some war crimes. In video games of course. After all, engaging in very illegal and abhorrent atrocities with absolutely no consequences whatsoever and bragging about how cool it was has been the American way since 1776. So to get into the July 4th spirit, here are the best war crimes you can do in video games.

White Phosphorus – Spec Ops: The Line

Spec Ops: The Line may just be the most accurate military shooter ever made. Not because the gameplay is based on any sort of realism, but because it’s the only one that unequivocally paints your character as the bad guy and tells you to your face that you shouldn’t enjoy playing war crime simulators for fun. Of course on the flip side, playing war crime simulators is the greatest way to show your love for America. So on this July 4th, play Spec Ops: The Line and shoot white phosphorus at the civilians you’re supposedly there to liberate.

Genocide – Uncharted

Is there anything more American than going to a foreign nation and committing mass murder in order to steal their valuables? That tradition is the only thing America kept from the British. It’s not only part of the American way but it also keeps them grounded in their roots. In that regard Nathan Drake really is the All-American Hero of gaming. He’s a charming everyman but he’s also single handedly killed more people both World Wars combined and he does it to inflate his ego and line his pockets. Put him on Mount Rushmore.

Playing – Mario Party

Completely destroying any positive relationship you had with your allies in order to selfishly line your own pockets to the detriment of those around you. Handing out participation awards. Stealing from others with no remorse. Mario Party is the game of American Values.

Unauthorized Nuke – Fallout 3

Nuking a city filled with innocent civilians just as a means to an end. It’s a tough choice that Fallout 3 presents the player with but it stops being tough once you remember that your character is American. Nuking settlements filled with non-combatants in order to further your interests is exactly the kind of principles that modern America was founded on. So on this July 4th, you go ahead and nuke Megaton anddon;t even feel bad about it. Feeling bad about it is un-American.

Blue Shell – Mario Kart Series

It’s like using a nuke but worse.

Various – Call of Duty Series

Here it is. The be-all end-all of war crime simulations. The Call of Duty series. Truthfully I could have made this entire list with just Call of Duty games. From nukes to white phosphorus, there are a dozen war crimes you can do as multiplayer kill streaks alone. That’s before you even get into the campaigns that let you do things like partake in things like illegal torture all the way to the massacre of an entire airport of civilians. Call of Duty is so American that in the Modern Warfare reboot there’s a level that references an actual war crime that the real American Military committed but blames the Russians for it and has you be the hero. You can’t get more American than that. Happy July 4th!