Hard Digest July 3: Early Access Fourth of July and More

Man With $5,000 Grill Pretty Much Just Doing Hot Dogs

By Jason Clemence

SARASOTA, Fla. — Local husband and father of three Brett Spalding proudly showed off his expensive new grill to friends and neighbors at a cookout, but appeared to have nothing to put on it except hot dogs, confirmed sources who assumed there would be a bit more variety.

“Alright, let me show you the Meatblaster Deluxe rig I just finished setting up,” said Spalding, proudly gesturing toward the various components arranged in a horseshoe-shaped cooking area while rhythmically clicking his $75 tongs. “Six-burner grill up front, with attached flat-top and, over on the other side, this top-of-the-line pellet smoker. And don’t forget the built-in minifridge. One of these days, I’m gonna stock up on brisket, sausage, ribeyes, and lamb chops to really show the fellas that I’ve earned this Grill Sergeant apron. But for now, well, Costco had a sale on store-brand hot dogs, so.”

Next-door-neighbor Bob Oakerton was confused by the lack of options.

“I asked Brett if I could bring anything to put on his kick-butt new grill, but he said not to bother because he’s ‘totally stocked up,’” said Oakerton. “I knew he’d dropped some serious cash on this thing, so I asked Marcy to make a salad and a pie for us to bring. Of course, that was when I assumed he was going to grill a whole lot of different meat, but I’m definitely only seeing hot dogs, and I just heard Brett holler ‘Who’s famished for a frankfurter?’ So I guess that’s that. I really had my heart set on a burger, to be honest.”

Chester Avery, the 19-year-old salesman who sold Spalding the grill, seemed unsurprised by this turn of events.

“Yeah, [Spalding] went straight from the little two-burner starter grills to the top-shelf stuff. Every add-on feature I showed him, he’d be like ‘Ooooh, I definitely need that,’” said Avery. “I could tell he’s a straight up wiener-jockey who wouldn’t know a brisket from a skirt steak, but what do you want? I work on commission. For 5,000 bucks you can grill all the Ball Park Franks you want.”

At press time, Spalding had decided to purchase a vintage Gibson SG for the express purpose of playing the main riff to Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man.”

Opinion: Are You Gonna Ask Stupid Questions, or Are You Gonna Help Get This Lit Firework Out of My Dickhole?

By Matt Husser

Ah, the Fourth of July: the day we celebrate George Washington conquering thousands of commies back in biblical times to win our God-given freedom to grill half a cow, drink cold beer, and detonate home-made fireworks at our militia compounds. But instead of honoring the greatest country on Earth, here you are trying to ruin Independence Day by asking me all kinda stupid questions like I’m a ChatGPT robot instead of helping me fish this lit firework out of my dickhole. But no, by all means, let’s host an interactive panel Q&A while the crackling fuse inches closer to exploding my wiener like a ballpark frank in a campfire.

‘How did that firecracker even get in your dickhole?’ It’s called a dare, numbnuts, and we both know if I backed down from Firepecker Roulette then Cousin Terry would spend the rest of the weekend calling me ‘Dickless Cheney’ in front of those hot out-of-towner chicks down at the reservoir.

‘Why can’t you take it out by yourself?’ Because I’ve got two bottles of Mickey’s duct taped to my hands, haven’t you ever played ‘Edward 40 Hands’ before?

‘Didn’t this happen last year?’ For your information, last year’s firecracker emergency was located in my asshole, and I was able to snuff it out with my buttcheeks—again, no thanks to you.

‘Should I get the fire extinguisher?’ What, and freeze up all my sperms? My mama has been begging me for grandkids, and now you wanna shrivel my balls and rob that sweet woman of the greatest gift a son can give his mother aside from a Riverboat Casino Cruise?

Well, I hope you’re happy, I’ve answered all your stupid questions, but at what cost? Because of you, my junk is about to be all shredded like fajita meat. The neighborhood kids are gonna laugh at me and call me ‘Mr. Burntjangles’. I’ll probably have to live in the circus as ‘The Living Ken Doll’ while hillbillies throw chewed up hot dogs at my—oh, sweet Lord, hallelujah! I just pissed myself and put the firecracker out. Thank you, Jesus, for blessing me again with one of your many urine-based miracles. The 4th of July is back on, Cousin Terry, toss me that kerosene! Who wants to play ‘Flaming Hot Cornhole’?

Conservative Dad Who Exclusively Watches History Channel Learns Nothing From It

By Trevor Graham

WICHITA, Kan. — Local 62-year-old dad Carl Strungis reportedly spends hours glued to The History Channel, absorbing absolutely nothing except the vague sense that explosions are cool and America rules, sources who are asking if the TV can be turned down a little confirmed.

“I like to kick back in my recliner with a cold beer — not that woke Bud Light crap — and watch our boys blow stuff up,” Strungis said, adjusting his novelty eagle belt buckle. “I’m not too worried about why we went to war, what it cost, the devastating effects it has on our troops when they return, or anything like that. I just like the grainy footage of tanks rolling in and stuff going boom. They recently aired a documentary about the Vietnam War. I couldn’t follow any of it.”

Strungis’ adult children say that if he is going to spend so much time just sitting and watching The History Channel that he should at least have some take aways from it.

“I’m always trying to get him to see the parallels between the xenophobia that led to the rise of fascism in Nazi Germany and what is happening today in the U.S. but he’ll just say ‘Oh, look at those brave forces storming the beach at Normandy to kick those bad guys’ asses!” said daughter Lara Strungis. “Sometimes I’ll forward him articles from NPR or The New York Times that show how we are currently on the path to the same authoritarian style government that we fought against in WWII and he’ll just send back a meme of a bald eagle crying over a Dodge Ram.”

History Channel executive Michael Evans says they are aware their demographic doesn’t retain any of the information in what they watch and that they are planning changes to their programming to accommodate their audience.

“Our research shows 86% of our audience is over 60, male, and completely impervious to learning,” said executive Michael Evans. “So we’re pivoting. We’re developing AI-generated footage of endless planes getting shot down, with patriotic music blaring over it. No more context, no more interviews — just pure kaboom. It’s already testing through the roof in our focus groups.”

At press time, Strungis switched off The History Channel for a breather, blasting Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” — a song he proudly called “the most pro-America anthem ever written.”

Joanna Dark Forced to Take Job at Overwatch

BY Thomas Wilde

GARDEN CITY — The abrupt closure of the Carrington Institute has forced leading agent Joanna “Perfect” Dark to accept a role with the global task force Overwatch.

“I’m not sure what happened,” Dark tells Hard Drive. “It seemed like my next operation was proceeding as normal, but then I was informed by mission control that I wasn’t making ‘lines go up’ quickly enough. Now I’ve got to go do whatever the hell it is Overwatch does. I mean, they’ve got a mission, I know that much, but it seems like all they do over there is shoot at each other by day and star in boutique pornography by night. That can’t be all it is, can it?”

The Carrington Institute, founded by noted lunatic Daniel Carrington, was a private military corporation devoted to undercover operations and hanging out with aliens. Dark, a former bail bondswoman, was its lead agent, specializing in undercover operations.

Despite Carrington’s extensive catalog of espionage technology and its role in the successful resolution of an interstellar war, the company had been in a self-described “lull” for over two decades. Plans to get back on the world stage with the Garden City operation were scuttled by a sudden shareholder revolt on Wednesday that ended with the Institute’s closure.

“We simply expect a greater return on our investment than what we were likely to get out of Carrington,” the board of directors said in a press release. “We expect constant meteoric growth in all avenues forever, and in this bizarre magical bullshit machine we call an economy, it was more profitable to kill the Carrington Institute than let it continue to exist. This is a very cool and normal system.”

This leaves many of the Institute’s researchers and operatives looking for work, which has proven challenging in the current environment.

“My problem is that once you’ve got a Grey alien as a sidekick, you’re too silly for a lot of places,” Dark says. “The ICA turned me down, which stung, but what truly rankled me was when I washed out at the BSAA. I’m sorry that I don’t take steroids or get my teammates killed. I didn’t think I needed those qualifications in order to shoot zombies.”

At press time, the first person to announce a port of Joanna Dark’s character model to Source Filmmaker had been found dead under mysterious yet explicable circumstances.

Trash Talker’s Dad Laid Off

BY Jacob Albrecht

REDMOND, Wash. — Fearsome trash-talker and Halo matchmaking enthusiast Timmy Dobbins has lost a valuable online trump card this week as his father has reportedly lost his job at Microsoft, Dobbins confirmed.

“Okay so I guess Microsoft fired a bunch of people this week, and it looks like my dad might’ve been one of them,” said 12-year-old Timmy. “Which is total bullshit cause, like, my dad worked really hard for them and he was really good at banning all the people who were mean to me in Halo. But also, I’m not even really that worried because my dad still has some really powerful friends at Microsoft who can definitely still ban all these fucking griefers.”

Timmy’s father, Randall Dobbins, expanded upon his responsibilities with the company as well as his feelings on the company’s recent staffing changes.

“Yeah so my main role at Microsoft was to carefully and strategically ban certain accounts that may have been standing in the way of my son reaching Onyx in Halo: Infinite,” said Randall, 43. “The layoff wasn’t really a huge surprise though, they’ve really been cleaning house over there. In our division, we had a saying: ‘Don’t like your job? Just wait a month.’ Come December, Microsoft Gaming will mostly consist of Phil Spencer and whatever poor schmuck is caught neck deep playing Destiny with him. It’s not all bad, though. I was able to secure a severance package of 3 months’ Game Pass Ultimate and a few thousand Spartan Points.”

Fellow Halo lover Michael Diaz was quick to weigh in on how Timmy’s Dad’s employment status could affect his gameplay moving forward.

“I’ve lived in constant fear of Timmy for years,” said Diaz, 26. “If I saw him queue into my lobby, I’d just log out. I was terrified of making even one mistake and getting a perma-ban from Timmy’s dad. Now, I finally feel free. I’m excited to finally rack up kills in Fiesta Slayer in a world free from Timmy’s tyranny, and I know a lot of people feel the same.

At press time, Timmy is getting really into Counter-Strike following his dad’s promising interview at Valve.