Hard Digest July 1: Early Access Taylor Swift, Coal Chamber, Powerman 5000, and More

Taylor Swift Thrilled to Have an Evening Free to Reply to All 75 Million Unanswered Instagram DMs

By Mimi Kenny

LOS ANGELES — Taylor Swift, the popular recording artist with a key supporting role in “The Lorax” (2012), was reportedly “stoked beyond belief” to have an obligation-free night to respond to all of the approximately 75 million direct messages that had been accumulating in her Instagram inbox “over the last year, if not decade,” confirmed sources.

“I’ve been meaning to do this forever. But songwriting and world tours always got in the way,” Swift said. “I was gonna do it one night, but then I got a call from Mom reminding me about [brother] Austin’s 30th birthday. A year later, I tried again. But then, I was embarking on what would eventually become the highest-grossing concert tour of all time. The more my phone lit up, the more daunting it became. But the important thing is that I’m doing something about it, even if I only manage to make a dent for now.”

Swift’s publicist, Tree Paine, admitted to feeling trepidation about the multi-platinum artist and holder of 118 Guinness World Records taking it upon herself to answer anonymous messages from strangers on her public social media account.

“We spent so much time perfecting this image of her as being simultaneously everyone’s best friend while also being mysterious beyond description,” Paine said. “And that’s easily undone when she’s replying to DMs at random and beginning each with ‘My sincerest apologies for not attending to this message sooner.’ I at least tried to suggest she not reply to the pornbots, but she just kept saying she wouldn’t ‘take the easy way out.’”

Catherine Foley, a “Swiftie for life and beyond,” reported a wide array of feelings in the wake of receiving a years-late reply from her idol.

“To be honest, I forgot I had DM’d her when the ‘Cats’ movie was first announced and said she was gonna win an Oscar for singing ‘Memories,’” Foley said. “And she sent me this huge reply thanking and gently correcting me and saying how a director with ‘precise aesthetic control’ could’ve made a masterpiece. I was beside myself, and I could tell she put a lot of thought into it. I keep trying to unlock some hidden message but nothing. Oh well, I’ve sent her like 200 DMs, so I’m sure it’s coming eventually.”

At press time, Swift went to bed at 2:30 a.m., vowing to answer the remaining 75,585,942, “on the next rainy day.”

I’m the Nu-Metal Ice Cream Truck Driver From Coal Chamber’s Self-Titled Album Cover, and I’m Pleased To Announce My New Expanded Menu

By Steve Packosky

Nu-metal really was a fantastically underrated genre, and society has suffered from it not being in the mainstream for the past two decades. Luckily, thanks to Gen Z and Tik Tok, we’re now experiencing a revival of sorts, which certainly works out in my favor. You see, I’m the nu-metal ice cream truck driver from Coal Chamber’s self-titled album cover, and I’m pleased to announce my new expanded menu.

Back when I was at my peak level of popularity, my services were woefully limited. I was young and inexperienced, and my only offering was forcing a View-Master that showed footage of Coal Chamber playing music onto people’s eyes as shown in the “Loco” music video. Unfortunately, this wasn’t generating the revenue stream that I had hoped, and I went out of business shortly thereafter. I won’t go into detail about how I’ve been able to stay afloat financially for the last 20 years, but suffice it to say going back to my old job will certainly be welcomed. Now I’m able to see the error of my past ways, and have made the necessary alterations to ensure I can make a living in my favorite vocation.

But here I am, back in business and ready to peddle my wares to an entirely new generation of down-tuned guitar and choker necklace enthusiasts. I’ve learned my lesson this time, and am proud to now offer Blue Bunny Big Dipper Vanilla Cones and Good Humor Strawberry Shortcake bars in addition to my signature line of bizarre visual assaults. You’re going to love these delicious goodies intertwined with my predatory advances! A good businessman adapts his products to match his customers’ ever-changing demands, and with these new items, I’m really hoping to stand apart from your typical nu-metal ice cream man. But don’t just take my word for it. I can’t wait for you to see for yourself!

So, given that my health permit from the State of Florida is still pending and highly unlikely to be approved, come on out and cool off with one of my sweet new treats before I inevitably get shut down for endangering the well-being of neighborhood children. Just don’t tell your parents about it!

Guy in Desperate Need of Cheap Boner Pills Mistakenly Orders 8 Boxes of Powerman 5000 CDs

By Chris Bowen

CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local man Thomas Harper mistakenly ordered a large number of CDs by nu-metal band Powerman 5000 in a frenzied attempt to purchase boner pills, confirmed sources who have made that exact error in judgement.

“Okay, listen. There comes a time in every man’s life when he needs a little, or maybe even a large, amount of help in the ‘manhood department,’” Harper explained. “So I hope getting hung up on that won’t take away from the fact that I’m still suffering, but now as the owner of 800 CDs of ‘Tonight the Stars Revolt!’ Not to mention, I still can’t even get it up. You know how embarrassing it is to have people think you’re bonerless AND have shit taste in music? I wouldn’t wish it even on my most erection-deficient enemies.”

Powerman 5000 frontman Michael David Cummings, known professionally as Spider One, says his excitement towards his band’s rise in popularity was short-lived.

“For the first time in my life, I thought I could prove to my brother Rob (Zombie) that I wasn’t just riding his scraggly, flea-infested coattails and that people were finally coming around to truly appreciate Powerman 5000, a band name that many have mistaken for a product sold at GNC,” Cummings said. “But nope. Someone was just trying to buy pills to treat their erectile dysfunction again, goddamnit. I should just give up on the space-themed nu-metal shtick, and go into selling Viagra knockoffs, I imagine I’d be much richer and fulfilled.”

Nu-metal expert Derek “Monkeybone” Turner claims these types of mix-ups are unfortunately all too common in the scene.

“Normies just don’t get it. They didn’t when I was walking around the mall in JNCOs at age 13, and they still don’t when I do it at 41,” Turner said. “They’re always getting their boring, conformist, mundane stink all over our culture. Some asshole nearly brought Wayne Static back to life recently with how many Static-X albums he bought looking for something to remove the static electricity from his monkey suit. Slipknot were right, people do equal shit.”

At press time, Powerman 5000 were hopeful that a recent nostalgia for late ‘90s console games could be just what they needed to jumpstart their career.

Five Vegan Alternatives to Super Meat Boy

BY Steve Packosky

Famed 2010 platformer Super Meat Boy has been revered by critics and gamers alike for its design, controls, and tough but fair level of difficulty. However, its presentation is likely to turn off some consumers, with the player controlling a sentient cube of red meat that leaves blood streaks on every surface he touches. How are the poor plant-based game enthusiasts supposed to enjoy it? If you happen to fall under this category, today is your lucky day, as these five vegan alternatives will ensure you’re not missing out on any of the stellar side-scrolling action.

1. Celeste (2018)

This cruelty-free exemplar of the genre has the player controlling the character Madeline as she attempts to climb Celeste Mountain despite the efforts of a recurring enemy acting as the personification of her mental illness, with universally-lauded level design and an absolutely brilliant soundtrack that thoughtfully acts as a perfect complement to the plot. Such a poignant work of art can be appreciated by those of any dietary background, so pick it up if you want to experience the challenge of Super Meat Boy without the remorse!

2. The End Is Nigh (2017)

In this game, you control Ash, a small blob who we’re going to assume is not made of meat for the sake of this article. While not quite the spellbinding masterpiece of the aforementioned Celeste, The End Is Nigh provides very fun and challenging action without the crippling guilt that comes with repeatedly slapping a cube of meat against a wall. Bonus points for the bleak graphics and cool retro soundtrack. Fix yourself a portobello steak and enjoy!

3. N++ (2015)

This is the third installment of the N franchise wherein you control an anonymous stick figure who, to our knowledge, was not raised in a suffocating and torturous factory farm, in a basic but addictively fun romp through myriad levels of increasing difficulty. It’s nothing new, but who cares? We guarantee you’ll be able to sink countless hours into this effort without even the slightest concern about the ethics of your purchase.

4. TowerFall (2013)

The second product on this list from acclaimed developer Maddy Thorson, TowerFall’s archery focus makes it a bit of a derivation from the other games we’ve mentioned, but you know what? We‘re absolutely fine with that. It’s fun as hell, and you get to hit human beings, who are the sole species responsible for the subjugation and murder of animals for food, with arrows. That’s good enough in our opinion, and we hope you feel the same way.

5. Dustforce (2012)

Hell yeah! Dustforce has you controlling a janitor who’s trying to clean all the dust from the world with nothing but a broom and a whole arsenal of classic platform moves, including the always useful double-jump. We’re pretty sure those brooms are made of polypropylene, so don’t worry about any potential horses that lost their hair to make them. What are you waiting for? Get to sweeping!

There you have it! Hopefully one of these certified meat-free romps was able to sate that familiar platforming itch we all get from time to time. Make sure you bring them up in conversation the next time one of your carnivore gaming buddies mentions how much they love Super Meat Boy, and let’s make the run ‘n jump community plant-friendly one gamer at a time!