Hard Digest June 26: Early Access RFK Jr., Bluesky, Greg Ginn, and More

RFK Jr. Tells Staff Not to Bother Him Until It’s a Big Pox Outbreak

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dismissed a potential smallpox outbreak today by telling HHS staffers not to bother him until it’s a “big pox” outbreak, sources confirmed.

“I’m this close to finally proving that artificial dye in tennis balls cause autism in dogs and all these worrywarts can talk about is a teeny little ‘smallpox outbreak’—well do me a favor and don’t come back until it’s a big pox outbreak, and it better be big enough to hit with my car and mount above my fireplace!” shouted RFK Jr., scribbling “Pawtism???” on a white board. “If smallpox is so dangerous, why can’t I see it with my eyes? Because it’s all a scam by the fat cats at Big Science to get you to buy more microscopes.”

Department of Health & Human Services staffer Tom Montgomery claimed this was just the latest in a string of concerning directives.

“How are we supposed to handle big pox when we’re still trying to coordinate his bird flu outbreak response? I still don’t feel good about feeding chicken noodle soup to the chickens either, I feel like that’s how you get zombie bird flu,” said Montgomery, signing RFK Jr.’s name to a “get well soon” card for the chickens. “Not to mention I’ve had to spend the last two weeks trying to find a supplier that can produce vitamin C enemas small enough to fit inside a chicken. Hey, does anyone know if you’re supposed to rub Vick’s Vapor Rub under the feathers, or just anywhere on the chicken breast?”

Infectious disease expert Dr. Ronda Scheffler hoped Americans would take Kennedy’s recommendations with a grain of salt.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am urging Americans to please do their own research and not listen to the HHS’ recommendation to ‘plug up all your holes with beef tallow to keep the smallpox out,'” said Scheffler. “Furthermore, I’d like to state for the record that there is no clinical evidence that tanning your asshole after looking at a rainbow will ‘burn the gay out of your body’ nor does his claim that ‘raw milk embalming will ward off those greedy, thieving mole people trying to steal the bitcoin you need to pay the ferryman to cross the river styx.'”

At press time, Kennedy sent out a memo directing all clinical trials to replace the placebo pill with Viagra.

Opinion: Bluesky Is Failing Because I Got Made Fun of Pretty Hard on There

By Peter Ferrarese

Bluesky: It seems like the place on the internet where everyone wants to be right now. “It’s like Twitter, but with less Nazis”, they say. “You’ll love it!” Well, since this new app is apparently the hottest thing since the Chili Peppers, I recently figured I’d give it a shot. But what I saw once I logged in absolutely shocked me. I’m here to tell you, definitively, that this is not a website for intelligent or entertaining discourse. How could it be, when I got made fun of so hard there?

I like to think of myself as a pretty Average Joe – I like sports, I work in an office, and I park my Maserati in my 4-car garage at the end of every day just like everyone else. And I’m just as entitled to my reasonable opinions, too. Opinions like “Having a liberal echo chamber isn’t good for society because then everyone is too cordial and understanding to one another. This site needs to make room for more diversity of thought, because bigotry and hatred are what make the world go ‘round.” Does that make me a bad guy? I don’t think so, but Bluesky certainly does, and that’s why the app will never be a success.

Let me pose a hypothetical question: do you truly believe that a website where someone can tell me to “shut the fuck up, you fascist boomer POS” and that “you’re the exact reason we all left Twitter, lmao” is anything but a failure? I never get this kind of flack on Truth Social, which is doing incredibly well for itself, I might add. Just the other day, I tried to defend myself by lightly suggesting that arguing with Q’Anon psychopaths online is a stimulating mental workout and is an experience noticeably absent from Bluesky generally. More engagement and debate leads to more site traffic and more profit, everyone knows this! But the response from the masses? “Yeah, we definitely need to hear more from the Hitler Youth. This guy’s a real genius.” Well, if that’s how you feel about it, then I guess I’ll just pack my things and leave this failing place for good!

Look, at the end of the day, I just think we’re not taking into account the people who happen to support our current authoritarian dictator and his cabinet of vultures. There’s really just not enough of it on the news programs and other media channels that are playing basically 24/7. I don’t think that’s enough to warrant being made fun of, and people online responding, “Oh, you must be in the wrong place! Elon Musk’s gaping asshole is that way, actually!” If that’s the type of conversation that’s being promoted on Bluesky, it will never take off. I prefer my echo chambers to be a little less intolerant of intolerance, thank you very much.

If you want a website where the same hum-drum, respectful, nuanced discussions are happening all the time, Bluesky is the place for you. But be warned, you might get made fun of way harder for having shitty opinions than you would on a site like X. Elon Musk has a lot of money, after all. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Greg Ginn Announces 9-Year-Old Nephew Already Working on Artwork for Next Black Flag Album

By Tim Graham | June 27, 2025

HERMOSA BEACH, Calif. — Black Flag founder Greg Ginn revealed that the band’s next album will feature artwork by his nephew Ben, sources in the boy’s Fortnite Discord confirm.

“I wanted to inject fresh energy into the newest incarnation of Black Flag. That’s why I brought in some talented young collaborators,” said Ginn while waiting to pick up his new bassist from soccer practice. “We’ve nearly got enough material for an album now, so I figured we better get going on the artwork. I was thinking of who I could ask to take on the job, when it struck me: Who better to do it than my little nephew Ben? He’s a whiz at computers and art. You should see the Skibidi Toilets that he draws on his tablet.”

This isn’t the first time Ginn has tapped a very young person to create artwork for the band.

“Greg approached me to do the cover for ‘What The…’ back in 2013 after he saw some doodles of ‘South Park’ characters on my notebook. I was only 11 at the time and had never even heard of Black Flag,” said Charlie Finn, now 24. “He basically told me to draw Eric Cartman with a mohawk. I presented him with a rough sketch and he went ahead and used it for the actual artwork. He paid me with a few packs of Pokémon cards, which I thought was cool at the time but now seems pretty exploitative. I opted not to work with him again when he got in touch recently.”

Graphic designer Sue McIntyre says Ginn’s behavior represents a threat to her industry.

“Everyone is talking about how AI is taking designers’ jobs,” said McIntyre. “But that’s only the latest assault on the profession. Greg Ginn is engaging in a much older method of devaluing our work: nepotism. A real designer would be able to create something timeless and classy for a fair price—but Ginn is cheaping out. He used to depend on his brother, Raymond Pettibon, who created Black Flag’s most iconic imagery, but at some point Pettibon must’ve realized he was being taken advantage of. So now Ginn relies on what amounts to child labor.”

At press time, Ginn had reportedly approved his nephew’s first draft of the new cover art which featured a crude rendering of a skanking Sonic the Hedgehog.

Waluigi Arrested For Public Masturbation at Cheep Cheep Beach

BY Bob Kerr

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Waluigi, noted foil of Mario and Luigi, has been arrested after being caught masturbating in public at Cheep Cheep Beach.

“I was doing my morning patrols at Cheep Cheep Beach as usual,” says Police Officer Toad, “when I heard this nasally ‘WAA’. It was disturbingly erotic. I went to investigate and that’s when I found Mr. Waluigi with his overalls off, in sexual congress with himself. He most likely chose that location and time of day, because Cheep Cheeps were extremely active, leaping out of the water and enticing people. That’s usually the reason we catch people here.”

After he called it in, Waluigi was detained by a Lakitu with a fishing pole. Many residents observed the lanky man in the air, waving his arms frantically and screaming “WAA!”

When later reached for comment, Waluigi was indignant.

“First of all, waa. Second, I’ve been under a lot of stress with an upcoming Mario Kart Tournament. It’s a new world with new stakes and… and I needed a release. Third, I don’t have a thing for Cheep Cheeps or their big, beautiful lips.” He then added a disheartened “waa.”

Wendy O. Koopa, Waluigi’s lawyer, is outraged at the MKPD for sex-shaming her client. She went on to suggest that her client’s public amorous display is a symptom of something deeper than just a go-kart race.

“I don’t think I’m talking out of school when I say that Mushroom Kingdom is one of the most sexually repressed nations ever. I mean, nobody fucks around here. And soon, all that sexual build-up has got to go somewhere and it poses a danger for people. Why do you think all those Bob-Ombs just randomly explode?”

A court hearing date has not been disclosed.

At press time, a Chain Chomp was apprehended after it was caught in the middle of choking itself with its own chain in an attempt to reach orgasm.

Game Dev Simulator Just Indeed Job Search

BY Matt Fresh

MONTREAL — Fans of the simulator genre have a new game to look forward to and it’s set to be the most realistic one yet. Game Dev Simulator is set to be the most true-to-life simulator game ever made as it consists solely of browsing Indeed.

“We wanted to give gamers the most accurate recreation possible of what it’s like to be a game developer,” said Lead Designer Travis Strickland moments before he was laid off. “We know that gamers are interested in the specifics of how the games they love are made and what it’s like to work in this industry. Using our collective decades of experience, we were able to really fine tune and perfect this simulator to offer an experience that’s as close to the real thing as possible. Players will be able to spend hours browsing Indeed, filling out applications and never hearing back.” Strickland was escorted out of the building by security before he could continue.

Strickland’s replacement Jason Page broke down what content players can expect from the game.

“Players will be able to enjoy two modes at launch. A campaign mode in which you go through your career as a game dev all the way up until the moment you burn out and take a data entry job instead. Once they’re done that they can enjoy our free play mode which will allow them to play for as long as they want. Simulating the game dev experience of endlessly scrolling Indeed for as long as they want. Post launch we plan to introduce a multiplayer mode where players compete to see who can be the first one to get a job offer. This will also introduce a battle pass with exciting rewards such as pre-written resumes and family members that can get you a nepo hire.” Page was promptly fired and escorted out of the building after he finished.

There has been some controversy over the game’s lack of what some consider the most important part of game development. Getting laid off.

“I’m not going to say it’s never going to happen but for now at least we really wanted to hone in on what the majority of game dev is.” Stated Page’s replacement, Luke O’Reilly. “The fact of the matter is that being laid off, while it is an integral part of game dev, it just doesn’t lend itself well to long term gameplay. Game dev is 90 percent Indeed searching and 10 percent getting laid off and we chose to focus on the 90 percent for this game. Maybe once we all get laid off, the next team can find a way to implement it.”

At press time, Game Dev Simulator has been canceled after the studio was acquired by Microsoft and promptly shut down.