Hard Digest June 19: Juneteenth, Early Access Democrats, Putin, Acoustic Guitars, and More

Trump Calls for Reparations for Families Who “Lost Their Workers” on Juneteenth

By Ben Sobieck

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump marked Juneteenth, the federal holiday created in 2021 commemorating the end of slavery in the United States, with a call for reparations to descendants of families who “lost their workers.”

“Juneteenth, what even is that anyway? It’s not a real number, I know all the numbers. I can count higher than most of the math science guys. People at NASA come to me when they need someone to count really high. Sleepy Joe Biden doesn’t know how to count, and he just made up this day out of nowhere. Now all the big beautiful banks around the country are closed because he hates the economy so much,” said Trump. “Unfortunately, this holiday, and I use that term lightly, marks a time when everyday southern families who worked hard to build our 50 USA states lost all their workers on Juneteenth. These people created jobs, they made America great, and a new addition to my Big Beautiful Bill will pay them reparations for all the workers they lost.”

Jasper Klay, a descendant of the owners of the largest “farm” in Texas from 1820 to exactly June 19, 1865, expressed appreciation for the president’s new stance on reparations.

“My family provided food and shelter for our workers at no extra charge. We took on that burden only for someone from the government to come along and kick all the workers out from under us. That trickled down through the generations, keeping us in poverty. We should be paid back, and it should be the aggressive northern Blue states that foot the bill,” Klay said from his home in an affluent suburb of Houston. “By the way, many of my family’s descendants are mixed white and Black—we’re not sure exactly how that happened—so to oppose Trump’s idea is actually racist. Besides, all my Black friends wonder why Juneteenth is even a holiday, since it was the Yankees who were pro-slavery anyway.”

Professor Amara Green, chair of the history department at the University of Texas at Austin, did not share Klay’s enthusiasm.

“What the hell is the president even talking about?” Green said. “The human beings working under chattel slavery had no say in what happened to their lives, their bodies, or their families. The slave operators—I refuse to call them owners, since no one can own another person—profited off of that misery. Making Juneteenth a federal holiday isn’t even the bare minimum to get started undoing the legacy of slavery. Reparations for white descendants of slave operators is basically endorsing the Confederacy, which by definition never wanted to Make America Great anyway.”

As of press time, Trump is personally offering a reparation of 10 percent discounts on purchases of $TRUMP cryptocurrency to “those proud, patriotic descendants who were treated so horribly.”

Democrat Reflexively Replies “Stop” to Text From Friend Asking for Five Bucks

By Steve Packosky

LA CROSSE, Wis. — Local Democrat Kevin Forrester automatically responded “STOP” to a friend’s genuine request for financial help after months of conditioning, sources report.

“I feel bad, but I don’t see how I can be blamed for that,” Forrester said before instinctively texting “STOP” to a text regarding medical bills. “We’re coming off a crushing presidential election loss that may very well be the death knell of our democracy, and I’m still getting texts from Democrats asking for me to pitch in money. I live in a swing state. Last election season was just an onslaught of text messages every day. I tolerated it then because I knew how important defeating Trump was, but we lost. They’re still sending me text messages asking for money to do things like save NPR and support Democrats in special elections. As soon as I saw the text with ‘need just $5,’ I responded without even thinking.”

Forrester’s friend Chet Hafron was hurt by his actions.

“I’m not happy that I need to rely on my friends’ help, but I’m going through a tough time right now,” Hafron lamented. “I lost my manufacturing job as a direct result of Trump’s tariffs, and I just needed a couple bucks for gas so I could get to a job interview. Luckily, I sent out a few text messages, so I was able to fill up and get there, but Kevin’s response really brought me down. He and I have been friends since we were in kindergarten. I understand that he has to respond like that to several texts a day, but he should have taken the time to see the text was from me.”

Political scientist Sally Lodolla reacted to the situation.

“This is just another example of how the modern political climate is tearing people apart from one another,” Lodolla offered. “We’ve had Fox News, Facebook and Twitter pitting Americans against each other for years now, but I’m now starting to see the same thing happen with Democratic phone banking. Especially after such a gutting loss as last November, Democrats are wary of text messages asking for money, and it’s making them far less likely to help loved ones who sometimes need help. It’s extremely upsetting to see, so I guess we can look forward to not having elections anymore in a couple years.”

At press time, Forrester reflexively marked a message from his mother as Junk after she texted to tell him about her new phone number.

Now He’s Gone Too Far: Vladimir Putin Just Said “Diabolus in Musica” Is Slayer’s Best Album

By Steve Packosky

Few leaders are as internationally reviled as Russian president Vladimir Putin. Whether he’s unlawfully invading his neighboring countries or meddling in American elections, the 72-year-old autocrat has a way of drawing ire from the Western world. While, unfortunately, he has been embraced in recent years by the American right, his recent statement on a state-run Russian news network is something that every American can unequivocally reject.

Vladimir Putin just said “Diabolus in Musica” is Slayer’s best album. Now he has officially gone too far!

In an interview with Dmitry Kiselyov of RT, Putin revealed that, not only does he consider the 1998 album his favorite of Slayer’s catalog, but he has lamented that their brief foray into nu-metal with this effort was abandoned on all subsequent albums.

Unforgivable.

The sadistic gall of this maniacal tyrant knows no bounds. Has he no shame? How could one possibly listen to the murky chord structures and down-tuned guitars of this album and look upon it more favorably than “South of Heaven” or “Show No Mercy”? Naming literally any other derided work in their catalog could have been understood if not condoned, but with this take, the Soviet leader has crossed an unforgivable line. “God Hates Us All?” We disagree, but sure. “World Painted Blood?” We’d be open to his insight. But “Diabolus in Musica?” No. Never.

This whole ordeal is leading us to mistrust Putin, as such a statement couldn’t possibly have been made had he actually listened to Slayer’s entire discography. Is he even a fan? And if not, the lack of effort shown in him not even performing a cursory look at the band’s catalog is more telling to us than anything else he’s ever done. Any fledgling Slayer fan can just give “Reign in Blood” as a stock answer for their favorite Slayer album, but it takes a special type of monster to do what he did. Now we’re going to find ourselves second-guessing everything he says going forward.

We hope you’re boiling with rage as much as we are, dear reader, and are ready to mobilize and finally stand up to this bully. In the meantime, we’ve just heard North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un has denounced all Dio-era Black Sabbath albums. This had better not be true.

Acoustic Guitar at Party Wired to Detonate When Capo Placed on Second Fret

By Robert John Scucci

STOWE, Vt. — Party attendees are on high alert after learning that the acoustic guitar on the premises has been wired to detonate if a capo is placed on the second fret, sources who would rather die than hear another shitty version of “Wonderwall” confirmed.

“After my last rager was ruined by yet another three-hour singalong, I decided that this is the only practical way to ensure that ‘Wonderwall’ is never played on my property ever again,” stated Kyle DiNatale while adjusting the straps on his kevlar-lined undershirt. “I don’t mind if any other song is played in the background, but ‘Wonderwall’ is such a party ruiner that I’m willing to shove a block of C-4 into the soundhole that will blow this entire shindig sky-high if a capo goes anywhere near the second fret.”

Self-proclaimed guitar whiz and tone deaf singer Matt Arnold is willing to find a workaround if it means he can serenade the crowd with his rendition of the iconic Oasis song without incident.

“Listen, I know that the thing’s primed to level an entire neighborhood, and I’ve experienced my share of controlled detonations in the past,” confirmed Arnold while sizing up the wiring job on the Martin acoustic sitting in the corner. “But there are variables to consider, like whether the explosive device is triggered by pitch to detonate when an open F# is strummed, or if Kyle simply has a motion sensor placed specifically on the second fret. The latter scenario can be rectified by tuning the guitar down half a step and placing a capo on the third fret. I reckon if I’m right, then we’re in the clear. If I’m wrong, just maybe I’ll go out in a blaze of glory like a Champagne Supernova in the sky.”

Local SWAT team captain Carl Stewart is prepared for business as usual after an anonymous tip from concerned partygoers.

“Honestly, I’m not too concerned with what is by all measures a standard Gallagher-class threat,” said Stewart while packing his go bag consisting of wire cutters and tuning forks. “There’s not much we can do because we can’t proactively show up at every single party that has an acoustic guitar on sight. At this point, as guitar bombs become more sophisticated, the problem will solve itself in just a few short years, collateral damage notwithstanding.”

At press time, DiNatale was spotted rigging the drum kit to prevent anybody from playing the fill from “In the Air Tonight.”

Sony Announces Next Gen Remake of Game They Haven’t Released Yet

BY Nick Coffman

SAN MATEO, Calif. — Sony Interactive Entertainment announced earlier this week that they are currently working on a next gen remake for a game that has not yet been released. Newly appointed SIE President and CEO, Hideaki Nishino, confirmed the long rumored remake during the latest State of Play presentation.

“When I took this position I swore I would continue to grow PlayStation through IP expansion and technology innovation,” Nishino said in a The Last of Us Part II Remastered t-shirt. “The remaster of this unreleased game will introduce a new audience to the expansive world we’re still building and the lovable characters we haven’t even created yet.”

Players who plan to drop $80 on the original game, when it releases, have voiced their concerns about paying for the eventual remaster. Nishino weathered those concerns during his presentation.

“I know $80 is a lot for the original and I know $100 is even more for the remake, but true fans will pay those prices and understand that is just the costs of making and remaking art,” Nishino said before revealing the logo of [Working Title] Remastered to thunderous pre-recorded applause. “I can also reveal today, if you preorder both the original game and the remaster, you’ll receive a free sticker of your favorite, currently unannounced character. All you pay is the shipping and handling!”

Understanding that this remaster may not be for everyone, Nishino then went on to announce multiple new products in rapid succession.

“We’ve got something for everyone coming in the next calendar year,” Nishino said as he danced around the stage in excitement. “Did you like Knack and Knack II? We’re releasing a remastered bundle of both games. Big Helldivers fan? We’re rereleasing the first game on PS5. Like Xbox exclusives? We’re getting the second remake of Gears of War, so you don’t have to buy a god awful Xbox. Tired of all these remakes and want something original? Don’t worry we got you. Insomniac is working on a new Marvel game.”

At press time, pre-orders for the untitled original game and its remaster went live at all major retailers.

Hades Game Fan Desperately Tries and Fails to Avoid Incest Ships While Writing Fanfiction

BY Jim Tatalias

CHICAGO — Despite her best efforts, 15-year-old Katherine Vargas reportedly cannot write any Hades fanfiction without incest cropping up as part of the story.

“So I started playing Hades and saw all the gods and goddesses and was like, this is like a perfect sandbox for shippers like me, so I got writing,” said Vargas, about her first story that envisioned Ares and Athena in an enemies-to-lovers romance. “All of a sudden, it starts picking up tons of interest from incest fetish people, and I was like, ew, what?” The one-time honor student claims she was unaware that the two were siblings.

Undeterred, the potential college aspirant attempted more stories with other romantic pairings. “Apollo and Artemis! Aphrodite and Ares! Zeus and Poseidon! I became the number one incest fanfic author on AO3. How? Tell me how?!” Vargas said. “So finally I looked up their family tree. Turned out it was more like a family knotted-up ball Christmas lights. Jesus.”

James Vargas, the author’s father, 44, began to notice a clear change in his daughter’s behavior as she spent more and more time writing these stories. “I stopped seeing her for days! And when I did see her, she’d be all weird,” he said. “Like I made her favorite potato skins, and at dinner I asked if she wanted hers naked or filled up. Then she sorta just stared into my eyes for a minute, then called me a creep, and ran off. Whereas she usually likes her skins filled up.” It is reported that Katherine Vargas has deleted her account on the website Archive of Our Own (AO3).

At press time, Vargas reportedly decided to start writing fanfiction in private, beginning with a vanilla romance about the main character of Hades’s parents, Hades and Persephone, but was horrified to find that Hades is Persephone’s uncle.