Hard Digest June 16: Gas Prices, Early Access Pantera, Velvet Revolver, Recitals, and More

What the Deaths of Countless Middle Eastern Civilians Means for You at the Pump

By Tim Sheard

Summer is almost here. That means hopping in your car and hitting the open road with your best friends and family. But before you plan on making that trip to the lake house, you should know that gas prices are about to go up once again thanks to the escalating conflict between Iran and Israel. Families will be torn apart, lives will be ruined forever, children will be killed, and worst of all, you might have to pay a couple extra dollars to top off the Subaru.

The tensions in the Middle East have a lot of investors worried about a wider conflict. They are already ringing alarm bells that oil production might be disrupted. As mothers dig through the rubble to find any evidence of their buried children the future prices for oil surged nearly 8% on Friday.

“The deadly attacks Israel launched on Iran will have an immediate effect on the American public’s ability to cruise down the boardwalk in their newly restored 1968 GTO,” said Eric Winston, the CFO of Gasworks, a non-profit that monitors oil prices. “We are seeing multiple children with limbs blown clean off, we fear this will inspire the Iranian government to retaliate against Israel which could slow down oil production around the globe.”

Further escalation of the crisis could not only result in World War III, but significant increases in all petroleum based products.

“American contractors who operate outside of any actual laws are on the ground trying to keep the peace in hopes of preserving shareholder value,” added Winston. “But if we see another mass casualty event on a civilian population we could be paying at least 25 cents more per gallon by September.

Pantera Mosh Pit Also Serves as Cop Team-Building Activity

By Steve Packosky

BURGETTSTOWN, Pa. — The mosh pit at a concert by popular metal band Pantera doubled as a team-building activity for local police officers, disgusted sources report.

“Oh yeah, everyone on the force is a huge Pantera fan,” Officer Chet Zeller said. “Since we were all going to the show anyway, we figured we might as well make a team-building activity out of it. We’ll do things like partner up and attack people in the crowd who aren’t moshing, then threaten to arrest them if they object to what we’re doing. Two other officers were also tasked with planting weed on a random concertgoer before handcuffing him. It just feels really good to carry out our favorite activities while listening to the best band in the world. Overall, it’s been a really great bonding experience for all of us.”

Witness Jerome Rodriguez was disgusted with what he had seen.

“Those guys were being such assholes,” Rodriguez reflected. “I mean, I fully expect moshers at a Pantera concert to be unsavory characters, but they were being way too aggressive and slamming into people who were way smaller than them, and threatening to taze anyone who ran into them even though they were in a mosh pit. They were wearing name tags, too, so I’m not sure what that was all about. I’m not really into moshing, but after seeing this, I think I’m going to skip Pantera shows altogether going forward. Hearing ‘Walk’ and ‘Cowboys from Hell’ for the millionth time definitely wasn’t worth putting up with all of that.”

Pantera frontman Phil Anselmo was more or less distracted by their presence.

“That was really distracting,” Anselmo offered. “When I’m up on stage during a show, I’m in the zone. I don’t like having my Nazi salutes and rants about white pride being interrupted by people going too hard in the pit. I have no problems with people moshing, but they kept shouting while they were tackling and reciting Miranda Rights to people, and it was making me lose focus. I gave these guys a free pass because they’re cops, and I’ve always been a huge fan of law enforcement. However, I don’t want anybody who’s planning on attending a Pantera show in the future thinking they can be this disruptive. The music should always come first.”

At press time, the team-building activity was so successful that the cops had decided to schedule another one at an upcoming Five Finger Death Punch show.

Whoa Sick! New Velvet Revolver Reissue To Include Six New Songs and a Hermetically Sealed Vial of an Std From 2005

By Kyle Donley

In honor of the 20 year anniversary of their smash debut album Contraband, the surviving members of Velvet Revolver have announced a reissue that is sure to gross you out all over again!

Touting a line-up that was ⅗ Guns N’ Roses, the main guy from Stone Temple Pilots, and then just some other random guy for good measure, Velvet Revolver made music for the strip club buffet line — all meaty hooks and sensual come-hithers. As far as supergroups from the early aughts go, they were unmatched in sexual prowess that nobody asked for, with a batch of songs that seemingly leaked from the 40-year old crotches of their leather pants into the households of millions.

Now remastered and infused with Botox and other inorganic fillers (full list included with 76-page CD booklet), the physical reissue is a thing of absolute beauty, assuming you derive your beauty standards from used Maxim magazines. The impressive set includes six never-before-heard songs, most of which were admittedly written by the guy that nobody knows, along with an assortment of demos and live recordings, plus “Slither (Sex Mix)” and “Fall To Pieces (Sex Mix)”!

However, music was never the strong suit for this band, and that remains the case on this reissue, which is what makes the included sensory delights so essential. For starters, it smells. No one can quite put their finger on what it smells like, its mercurial nature an olfactory Gobstopper of sorts, but some have suggested it resembles the stench of somebody fucking a tube of Lip Smackers. Please also be advised, the physical release of the reissue is meant to be sticky and may stain surfaces when removed from its latex casing. (Please note, the Super Deluxe reissue comes in lambskin.)

The thoughtful packaging is rounded out by the crown jewel of the entire set — a hermetically sealed vial of an STD from 2005. The addition of the vintage venereal disease, curated by Dr. Drew and Adam Corolla, truly brings the party to you straight from West Hollywood! While doctors have largely advised to keep the vial sealed, it is 100% your vial upon purchase, and you are free to do with it what you will.

Pre-orders are currently live and available exclusively through your PornHub account.

Punk Prodigy Pukes Onstage During Preschool Recital

By Casey Smith

JAMESTOWN, N.Y. — Local punk prodigy Marriott Dubois puked onstage during his preschool recital, solidifying his arrival in the local scene, confirmed sources who were jealous of his gift.

“The janitor just dumped sawdust on my puke, so open up the pit before an exorcist tries to shut us down,” growled Marriott as he was being cleaned up backstage, stinking of fresh barf, little kid body odor, and faint traces of tire fire. “People have been calling me the Bobby Fischer of punk, and it might have something to do with how much Hawaiian Punch and chunks of Chef Boyardee were seen in my vomit. Sounds like the last person to have this talent so young was GG Allin. If I ever figure out how to shit onstage I’ll be unstoppable.”

Marriott’s music teacher Ms. Hampton is likely the least surprised out of every parent in the auditorium.

“By alienating, captivating, and repulsing the audience at St. Mary’s Roman Catholic Church of Christ, his performance will be legendary at any hole-in-the-wall bar with $3 Pabst Blue Ribbons well into his drinking age, if he lives that long,” Hampton whispered through a wince. “He was the only one who took off his shirt and wrapped microphone cable around his fist as if he was brandishing a weapon during tryouts. This is a Catholic preschool, not a syringe cleaning center. However, I’m not ‘lying for Jesus’ when I say he has raw energy and there’s huge, figurative, pre-pubescent balls on that warrior for the lord.”

Local punk historian Crudup is well aware of Marriott’s lore and actually met him before this legendary performance.

“I met him in this underpass. Usually it’s invite-only when it comes to my home, but he didn’t care. He was like ‘who moved my Lego shit?’ as if I already knew who he was,” confessed Crudup, author of several gems of knowledge scrawled on bathroom stalls. “He’s evolving quickly. Most punks his age are experimenting with mohawks in the bathtub, whereas Marriott can estimate how much Elmer’s Glue is needed to raise a mohawk at any hair length. It’s impressive at his age.”

At press time, Dubois was already looking to start a band despite having little to no interest in actually learning how to play an instrument.

J.K. Rowling Confirms Dumbledore Was Just Going Through a Phase, Actually

BY Corey Arbor

BIRMINGHAM, England — Controversial author J.K. Rowling courted controversy online when she tweeted that her iconic gay character Professor Dumbledore had actually just been going through a phase when he began a long and loving relationship with fellow wizard Gellert Grindelwald and had dated, and even married, a series of conventionally attractive, cisgender, heterosexual women.

“Dumbledore’s sexuality was never on the forefront of my mind, so when you just assume he had a homosexual relationship because I said he did, you can’t therefore assume he’s some kind of deviant homosexual! It’s nowhere in the text, it’s nowhere on the page, that isn’t how literature works, you filthy freaks!” the author emphatically insisted, receiving several replies featuring AI-generated images of a six-fingered Dumbledore holding the hand of a woman who appeared to be a construct of Rowling and several other prominent women in the online TERF space.

Fans were split, with die-hard fans of the series, its many spin-offs, and fan contributions being utterly unsurprised at this point. 

“At this point, it’s not really in your hands what Dumbledore is and isn’t,” responded user Potterless-And-Proud, in a now blocked post. “Most people engage more with fan projects and spin-offs that aren’t directly connected to you than they do the original books nowadays. We especially don’t care about your weird, endless retcons that you only post online for attention. She can keep stealing from lesser-known creators. It’s not like her new work has found any kind of audience at all.”

Fans of Rowling who followed her hateful advocacy rather than her written works rallied behind her.

“I’ve been saying it all along: it makes no sense for Dumbledore to be gay,” wrote one fan account that had been created five minutes previously and still did not have an avatar. “At no point is he weird or inappropriate with those children. He only puts them in danger and constantly contradicts himself and other teachers around them for their own good! Tell me where that sounds ‘GAY!’”

Rowling was seen gleefully retweeting the same 3 bots and 10 blue check followers she always does while counting her money and insisting it definitely filled the hole where creative contentment and the respect of your peers should have gone.

New York Times Games Adds New ‘Endorsement’ Puzzle

BY Kyle Duggan

NEW YORK — The New York Times Games app has added a new logic puzzle based on the city’s upcoming Democratic mayoral primary election, sources confirm.

“Clue 1: You must not rank Zohran Mamdani,” reads the first—and, so far, only—puzzle. “Clue 2: We are not endorsing Andrew Cuomo. Clue 3: Really, we do not make official endorsements on local elections anymore. Clue 4: You must rank either Mamdani or Cuomo without violating any of the previous directives.”

Fans of the app were happy to see new content.

“I already use the app every day for Wordle and Spelling Bee,” said Charles Callahan, 64. “This should keep me busy for a while. It’s pretty confusing. It’s supposed to be about voting, but there’s spots for more than one name. I don’t really understand it. When I click ‘hint,’ it just tells me that sexual harassment is a personal matter and shouldn’t be something that you consider when you vote. Oh well, I guess I’ll just write ‘Cuomo,’ since I recognize his name the most. They write about him in the paper all the time. Hey! That was the right answer! The game says I’m very smart for figuring it out.”

Media analyst Spencer Kane, 33, speculated that the New York Times and other publications will increasingly deliver a variety of content in the form of puzzle games.

“This is just how our media landscape is evolving in 2025,” said Kane. “Matrices and grids have taken over film and sports discussion. Older folks who were still following legacy media have since abandoned in favor of spamming family group chats with their daily Wordle-like scores. Soon, you’ll have to guess the upcoming week’s weather just to know what the forecast is. It’s no surprise that the Times is using this to find a way to give a mealy-mouthed non-endorsement to Cuomo after they vowed never to endorse in local contests ever again. It’s basically as clever as they get.”

When reached for comment, The New York Times directed reporters to two separate public relations representatives—one who always tells the truth, and one who always lies.

$80 Game Surprisingly Easy to Shoplift

BY Kyle Duggan

PLANO, Texas — Gamer Clarence Scott, 38, was shocked at how easily he was able to steal a copy of Mario Kart World from his local Target, despite the game’s premium price tag.

“It was in that locked glass case like all the other games,” said Scott, recounting the events as he excitedly paced around his living room. “But after I asked the kid who worked there to get it out for me, I said I was looking for a few more things. I thought he’d say he needed to hold it at the counter or something, but he just shrugged and walked away. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I must be some kind of master manipulator. Like, I must be subconsciously using that neuro-linguistic programming stuff I read about. It’s the only logical explanation. I need to capitalize on this.”

Richard Allen, 23, the clerk who retrieved the game from the locked display case, said that he knew exactly what Scott was doing.

“Oh, dude was totally lifting it,” said Allen, still standing behind the electronics counter at Target. “Doesn’t make a difference to me. I don’t see any extra money for selling a game, no matter how much it costs. Guy wants to play Mario Kart, I don’t see why I should stop him from doing it. Hell, they even tell us not to pursue shoplifters in training. They do tell us to report it, but they got cameras for that. I’m not trying to take away work from a struggling security camera.”

Video game developer Victor Bottin, 33, condemned Scott’s actions.

“Triple-A video games are more expensive to make than ever,” said Bottin, who currently works at Electronic Arts and has previously been employed by Activision Blizzard and Riot Games. “More expensive than any media in history, and not by a little. Prices should have gone up a long time ago. Frankly, this is one of the cheapest hobbies out there, and gamers still complain about how much money they have to pay for countless hours of entertainment. People who steal games are literally taking money out of my pocket. They’re really hurting working developers, not just a faceless corporation. I mean, my team just shipped a game, and—hang on, I just got an email. Oh. Oh fuck. Fuck, fuck fuck. I just got laid off again.”

At press time, Scott was reportedly inconsolable after a planned heist of GameStop went sideways when his entire score consisted of empty cases.