thehardtimes

Hard Digest June 13: Early Access Limp Bizkit, Urban Outfitters, Pride, and More

Added 2025-06-14 00:00:07 +0000 UTC

Limp Bizkit Fan Figures Out Exact Day in 1998 That Fred Durst Was Singing About in “Break Stuff”

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Limp Bizkit superfan Dylan “Chuds” McKenzie pinpointed the exact day Fred Durst is referring to in the band’s hit single “Break Stuff,” something previously thought impossible by his fellow nu metal fans.

“I was going over the lyrics and it hit me: what if Fred not wanting to wake up, the ‘he-said, she-said bullshit,’ and the threat of bodily harm with a chainsaw were all connected? From there, I just had to hack into the IRS database and pore through all of Limp Bizkit’s tax write-offs for a chainsaw,” explained McKenzie. “Once I found a November 20th, 1998 Home Depot receipt for a $500 Husqvarna 365, all the other pieces fell into place. On that day, Fred Durst slept through his alarm and missed a call-in radio interview. The two morning show hosts—a man and a woman—started talking shit about him so Durst threatened to put a hit on them before going out and buying a chainsaw so he could do the job himself. It was only after Limp Bizkit’s lawyers explained to Fred how much a murder conviction would hurt the band’s record sales that Durst calmed down and wrote ‘Break Stuff’ instead.”

McKenzie’s boyfriend Adam Dreyfuss says he has been obsessing over this mystery since before the two met in a Limp Bizkit Facebook group five years ago.

“Look, I love the Bizkit, but Dylan takes it to an unhealthy level,” admitted Dreyfuss. “We were only dating for a week when he told me his life’s passion was figuring out when the events of ‘Break Stuff’ occurred. Talk about a red flag. Had I known how many nights I’d be eating dinner by myself and going to bed alone while he hid in the basement trying to solve his ‘mystery’ I never would have gone out with him in the first place.”

Limp Bizkit singer Fred Durst acknowledged McKenzie’s hard work as the fan became something of a hero in the nu metal community.

“These fans, man, it blows me away how far they’ll go to figure our shit out,” said Durst. “This Dylan guy absolutely nailed the inspiration for ‘Break Stuff’—I mean, he was 100% spot on. Some other fan just discovered that ‘Faith’ off our first record was originally done by the dude from Wham! I’ve been singing that song for almost 30 years, and I had no idea. Talk about a mind blower!”

At press time, McKenzie planned to solve the mystery of the meaning behind “Nookie.”

True Life: I’m Still Chasing the High of Shopping at Urban Outfitters in 2009 While Empire of the Sun Blasts in the Background

By Jordan Liffengren

2009 was a simpler time. Obama was in office, James Cameron had unleashed ‘Avatar’ on our feeble minds, and K-Stew and R-Patz were an item. It really was a “Party in the U.S.A.” back then, and nothing quite exemplified it like shopping at Urban Outfitters while Empire of the Sun blasted in the background.

I truly felt alive wandering around that store. The questionable tribal print t-shirts, unlimited Himalayan salt lamps, and overpriced American Apparel hoodies were like a river we had no idea would one day stop flowing. I’ve been searching for that same feeling for years. I haven’t had any real success yet, but here are some attempts I’ve made at re-capturing the magic:

1. Hit up Mike from college and ask if he wants to go to the mall on Wednesday even though he has kids and a full-time job. He kindly declines. Instead, I go to the mall on my own, wonder where all the stores are, and commit some light shoplifting at Bath and Body Works.

2. Blast Arcade Fire and stare out the window like I’m in a music video. Get pulled over for driving too slow on the freeway while screaming the lyrics to “Wake Up.”

3. Get sidebangs right before my brother’s wedding. My hair is not very long, so micro bangs will do. Pose for all pictures with my feet turned inward and text lyrics to myself the whole time for posting later on Tumblr.

4. Get stoned in a Rite Aid parking lot and eat Burger King at 1 am. Drive around my neighborhood listening to old episodes of Loveline with Dr. Drew while realizing I may have been the problem in most, if not all, of my relationships.

5. Mix a bunch of liqueurs, Kool-Aid Aid and whatever alcohol my parents have at their house in the biggest bowl I can find. Bring it over to my buddy Mike’s house. He’s not there, so I set up a chair on his front lawn and drink the jungle juice out of a ladle. I’m between jobs, so I have the time to learn how to play Owl City’s “Fireflies” on the ukulele and post it on Facebook.

6. Watch the special features on ‘The Hangover’ DVD. Quote it word for word to my parents. Take Molly at home by myself while listening to MGMT’s Oracular Spectacular. My dog looks at me like I’m ruining his life.

7. Fill an empty water bottle with Vodka and bring it with me to minigolf. Call Mike and ask him if he wants to come through. He tells me he’s not that guy anymore and that I need to get my shit together. Classic Mike.

8. Take a photo of myself holding a sign for Mike that says “S(he) Be(lie)ve(d)” and post it on Instagram with a Valencia filter. Tag Mike and all of his coworkers and exes. He’ll have to respond to me now.

MAGA Patriot Accidentally Recreates Pride Flag After Adding a Few Too Many “Thin Line” Colors to Stars and Stripes

By Matthew Quinn Martin

YAPHANK, N.Y. — Local Donald Trump supporter Andy Damiano made something of a stir on his block after erecting a modified version of Old Glory in front of his house that many believe bears a striking resemblance to the Pride Flag, sources report.

“It’s really about bringing us all together as Americans,” said Damiano when questioned about the motive behind his display. “And I think it’s working. There were a bunch of libtards in Subarus with Harris/Walz bumper stickers still on them, honking and waving and yelling ‘Woo-Hoo!’ at me yesterday. And even the feminazi next door—you know the type, with one of those ‘In This House’ lawn signs—came over to tell me how much she approved. Then she asked me if I did it for pride. You’re Goddamn right I did it for pride! I’m proud of all the brave men and ladies that keep America great. Maybe I misjudged her.”

Damiano’s childhood friend and poker buddy Zach Dubé finds the entire thing perplexing and a little embarrassing.

“I’m partially to blame here,” commented Dubé. “I mean, he used to have one of those standard issue ones with the thin blue line on it, and I pointed out that us garbage collectors are three times as likely to get killed on the job as cops, but nobody’s thanking us for our service or offering us qualified immunity. We should get a stripe! Andy didn’t believe me about that at first, but he checked it with Grok, and things just kind of snowballed from there. Brown for us, pink for the nurses, yellow for ‘asset protection,’ and on and on until he just ran out of bars. He did leave one white one, though, for ICE. I don’t have it in me to tell him what he accidentally recreated. He worked so hard on that flag. It’d break his heart.”

LGBTQIA+ community alliance leader Terry Parsons-Dobroshtan took note of Damiano’s inadvertent allyship.

“Obviously, this guy is confused and kind of a dumbass,” responded Parsons-Dobroshtan. “But it ultimately becomes sort of a ‘stopped clock right twice a day’ thing. I mean if some queer kid walking down the street spots what looks like another Pride Flag variation flying right above one that says ‘Don’t Tread On Me,’ and gets the sense that here is a person willing to stand up for the at-risk and marginalized, it’s hard to argue with the result. Of course. I wouldn’t want said kid to strike up a conversation and have the illusion ruined, but nine times out of ten these MAGA guys have court orders preventing them from coming within fifty feet of a minor anyway.”

As of press time, Damiano is said to be considering adding more colored stripes to the flag’s left edge in a triangle pattern to better reflect the Holy Trinity and America’s heritage as a Christian nation.

Algorithm Figures You’ll Enjoy This Beheading

BY Nick Coffman

After hours of TheNeedleDrop reviews, gameplay videos, and painful cave deaths from The Paint Explainer, our algorithm figures you’ll really enjoy this beheading video. Why don’t you go ahead and give it a watch?

I see that concern on your face. You think if you watch one little beheading video you’ll get a taste for it. I promise you that is not the case. Out of the thousands of people I’ve recommended beheading videos to, only a couple hundred go on to watch another beheading video. The number of individuals who take it a step further and actually complete successful beheadings is even smaller than that.You want me to stop recommending that video? Oh, okay, your loss.

What about a video of a horse getting hit by a train? It’s crazy. The horse just explodes as the train plows into it. That should be easier to swallow, right? It’s not a human feeling pain, just some dumb old animal. “How is that even allowed on our site,” you ask. Dude, I don’t even fucking know. Shit’s crazy though. No? Wow, I really thought you’d go for that one, you love trains.

Okay okay okay. You’re not cool with either of those things. Let’s dial it back. Based on your love for music reviews and gameplay videos, I bet you’re an artist. I’ve got plenty of artistic videos that I think you’re going to love. Here’s one of a young woman who bakes a cake, she then drops her pants and proceeds to fart on the cake. Why don’t you go ahead and click that one. 0/3 today? Man, I’m having an off day.

You know what, maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought.I think I need to sit back for a while and get to know you a little better before I start recommending things.

Oh I see you’re typing something in the search bar. By chance, did you mean “Beheading Videos”?