Hard Digest June 12: Early Access Meta, Recession, Solvents, and More

Meta Now Partnering With UPS to Mail Pictures of Hitler Directly to Young Men

By Matt Bieker

MENLO PARK, Calif. — Meta announced a new partnership this week with UPS to physically mail high-gloss, full-color photographs of Adolf Hitler directly to the homes of young men not currently active on social media in a bold expansion of its commitment to algorithmically radicalizing America’s teenagers, confirmed sources.

“We at Meta have always believed in meeting users where they are—whether that’s on Instagram, Facebook, or staring blankly at a wall in their childhood bedroom,” said Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg while sitting inside a sterile cube illuminated by cold LED light. “Our exciting new initiative ensures that even if a young man isn’t being slowly converted into a fascist via meme pages and 90-minute YouTube videos, he’ll still have the opportunity to see well-lit photos of the Führer in his mailbox tailored directly to his interests. We’ve got classic bunker Hitler for the sad boys, outdoorsy Eagle’s Nest Hitler for the crypto/alpha types, and even a ‘funny mustache’ sticker sheet for the kids who just like aesthetics and aren’t really political yet.”

UPS delivery driver Hector Martinez says the new mailings have significantly increased his workload and personal moral discomfort.

“I used to deliver wedding invites and cat medication,” said Martinez, sweat-soaked and visibly winded as he hoisted a sack labeled ‘Operation Mein Drop.’ “Now I’m lugging around 300-pound crates of laminated Hitler prints to houses with Slipknot posters in the window. I handed a kid one last week and he said, ‘Oh sick, another one!’ Like it was a fucking Pokémon card.”

Local 16-year-old high school sophomore Owen Merriweather is one of the estimated 4.3 million teens already receiving Meta’s “Offline Influencer Exposure Kit,” which includes weekly prints, a sticker of a Roman column, and a QR code linking to a Spotify playlist titled “Classical Music for Intellectual Warriors Vol. I.”

“Yeah, I don’t really get it,” said Merriweather while scrolling through a Redpill subreddit he insists he only visits “ironically.” “At first I was like, ‘Damn, why is this war guy showing up at my house?’ But then I kinda started looking into him. I mean, obviously he did some bad stuff, but the haircut is honestly clean. I still think racism is bad, probably. But like, if he was that evil, why would they keep mailing me pictures of him on really nice paper with a personalized note from Meta that reads ‘We see potential in you’?”

At press time, Zuckerberg unveiled a new pilot program with DoorDash to deliver freshly baked sourdough loaves shaped like Mussolini’s head directly to college dormitories in Portland and Austin.

Recession Avoided? Everyone in This Bar Is Paying Extra To Bury My Song Choices on Touchtunes

By Ben Friedman

There’s a lot of anxiety over the economy these past few months. It feels like this country is just one tariff away from sending the job market into the shitter indefinitely. It sure has been keeping me up at night, knowing I might wake up in the morning to find myself unemployed and unable to afford food. Tonight I figured I’d take the edge off at the bar with the little disposable money I had, drop a $20 into the Touchtunes, and forget my worries.

Well, I’ve been here for two hours and I’ve discovered some good news and some bad news. Good news is, it looks like the recession fears were grossly exaggerated. The bad news is I only discovered that because multiple assholes in this bar are outspending me to bury my song choices and play theirs next.

And here I thought this country was in a financial death spiral! Apparently nobody here is aware we’re on the cusp of a financial crisis the way they’re shelling out an extra dollar or two just to push all my shit to the bottom. I can’t wait to see the next job report from the government, because I better see that the workforce created 90 million new jobs the way people are throwing $2 around. Either that or there are a lot of silver spoon posers in this dive. Both are plausible!

Here’s a fun fact: Did you know that even if you pay extra to play your song next, somebody can come along and just skip you anyway? I plunked down an extra $20, and I haven’t heard a single song I’ve chosen for two hours now. Every time I’m next, here come ten more songs that aren’t by Turnstile like I fucking wanted. Where can I get my hands on the kind of capital that allows me to spit in the face of inflation and cut in line?

I don’t want to hear one person in this bar complain about the cost of living or that they need three roommates in a studio apartment just to afford a roof over their head, because one of them has the privilege of paying an extra to unironically play Creed’s “Human Clay” in its entirety.

I swear I will drain my bank account just to hear something, anything that I choose. I just have to remind myself it’ll be worth it if it boosts the economy.

Crust Punk “Hot Ones” Knockoff Has Guests Huff Increasingly Hazardous Solvents

By Tim Graham

PITTSBURGH — A punk-themed YouTube show called “Huff Ones” where guests inhale volatile substances is gaining popularity despite warnings from health officials, according to sources.

“I saw how popular ‘Hot Ones’ got, and I figured, shit, I could do that,” said Will “Boner” Bonelli while filling a paper bag with air freshener. “I happened to come up with an angle that appealed to the demographic I wanted to reach. The format is simple: I bring on someone from a band or the local scene and interview them while they huff harder and harder shit. We start with rubber cement and work our way up through whippits, duster, starting fluid, gasoline, et cetera. Very few of my guests get all the way to xenon.”

Glenn Hemphill, singer for local punk band Greasy Thief, appeared on one of the most popular episodes of the show.

“I have very little memory of even being on the show,” said Hemphill while reviewing video of his appearance. “You can see my eyes glaze over right after I take a lungful of Carbona. Then Boner asks me about our newest record and I fall out of my chair. When I get up, I do a hit of butane and that seems to right the ship enough that I’m able to carry on with the interview. Overall, I’d say it was a positive experience—we got at least a dozen more followers on Bandcamp. I did have a hard time explaining why my beard was covered in silver spray paint to my boss the next day, though.”

Other shows have tried to capitalize on the success of “Hot Ones,” according to longtime TV producer Hank Spector.

“Any time we see a cultural phenomenon like that, there will always be a bunch of copycats trying to ride on its coattails,” explained Spector. “For instance, there’s an upcoming program for Peacock where celebrity guests answer questions while different types of insects sting and bite them. Then there’s the ill-advised ‘Shot Ones,’ which involves guests being shot with progressively more dangerous projectiles. It starts with a BB gun and eventually escalates to rubber bullets. It’s a really sadistic concept—I wish I’d come up with it!”

At press time, production of “Huff Ones” had been shut down after a guest absent-mindedly lit a cigarette on the fume-filled set.

Legend of Zelda Movie Delayed As Production Struggles To Cast 900 Koroks

BY Garry Kerls

HOLLYWOOD — Link’s silver screen debut has been pushed back to May 2027 as pre-production struggles to find and cast all 900 Koroks, our sources confirm.

“Miyamoto insists we aren’t at 100% until all 900 twigs are cast,” said one disgruntled producer of the movie. “And these guys aren’t Hollywood locals if you know what I mean. I’m looking under rocks and climbing trees all over SoCal trying to find them.”

Director of the upcoming film, Wes Ball, and Nintendo legend, Shigeru Miyamoto, both agree with this decision, citing their commitment to making an authentic Zelda movie that will fulfill fans greatest desires.

“There are some things that need to be in the movie,” said Wes Ball in response to the delay announcement from Miyamoto. “The Master Sword, the Triforce, and all 900 Koroks. It wouldn’t be a Legend of Zelda film without them.”

The live-action production, being a collaboration between Sony and Nintendo, has tapped former Uncharted and Morbius producer, Avi Arad, who promises fans that he has learned from his past mistakes.

“We didn’t think Spider-Man was the reason people liked Spider-Man movies, we assumed the real money was in Spider-Man’s b-list trope of villains,” said Arad when asked about his track record. “We’re pivoting hard and listening to the fan’s demand. Koroks are possibly the most popular characters in Zelda, we’d be foolish not to include all 900.”

While a delay in a Hollywood production isn’t out of the ordinary, Zelda fans did react negatively to the news, calling to question the logistics of cramming 900 collectable characters in a two hour film.

“Speedrunners, at their fastest, can grab about 45 Koroks in an hour, which means we’ll have to see this movie at least 10 times to find them all,” said HyruleHimbo89 on Reddit. “If all we get for finding them is Hestu’s Gift we riot.”

At press time, a 5$ DLC compendium can be purchased in the App Store to help viewers keep track of which Koroks they’ve found.

Mushroom Kingdom Kart Racing Commission Orders Bowser to Remove Lava Pits From Home Course

BY Steve Packosky

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — The Mushroom Kingdom Kart Racing Commission (MKKRC) instructed Koopa King Bowser to drain his home kart course of all lava or risk being suspended from the Flower Cup, sources report.

“We are committed to safe and fair racing conditions for all participants,” MKKRC spokesperson Rhonda McAdams said. “Holding a race in Bowser’s castle was already a stretch, but we were willing to allow it if the track met all regulations. Unfortunately, the scalding hot lava racers have been subjected to is a clear violation, and we have no choice but to demand it be cleared immediately. Racers have had to seek treatment for decades for the scalding hot burns suffered as the result of an errant feather jump or discourteous bump from a rival, and it’s long past time to remedy the situation.”

Bowser was not happy to receive the notice.

“If you ask me, it’s kind of suspicious that the MKKRC is just now bringing this to light,” Bowser complained. “We‘ve been holding these races since 1992, and all of a sudden my home course is an issue just after I’ve edged out Mario to win the Mushroom Cup? I’ve suspected for years that this whole system is rigged, and this confirms it. So what if Lakitu just fished Toad’s charred remains out of my lava? He knew he was taking a risk when he signed up for this tournament.”

Video game expert Ronaldo Diaz weighed in on the situation.

“People are often surprised to hear this, but video game racing tracks tend to be very strictly regulated,” Diaz offered. “Residents of Frosty Village in Diddy Kong Racing are under a nighttime curfew to preclude them from getting in the way of the races, and all wildlife in the Redwood Forest track of Cruis’n USA were purposely slaughtered during its formation to keep the roads clear. I’m surprised Bowser has gotten away with this for so long, but he’d better listen to the MKKRC if he wants to continue racing.”

At press time, the MKKRC had paused all cups indefinitely until Ghost Valley had been completely restored and renovated.