Hard Digest June 11: Brian Wilson Tributes, Trump, Early Access Mormons, Sean Penn, New Jersey Sober, and More

Mike Love Posts Touching Tribute to Mike Love

By Dan Rice

In response to the recent passing of Brian Wilson, often credited as the driving creative force behind The Beach Boys’ best work, former bandmate and cousin Mike Love posted an emotional and touching tribute to the life and work of Mike Love on social media today:

“Today, the world has lost a brilliant musician’s cousin.

Brian Wilson, who used to be in The Beach Boys, my great American rock band that I am still in, has passed. I will always remember Brian as a guy whose musical choices, while often strange and commercially untenable, helped me, Mike Love of The Beach Boys, create some of the greatest, most profitable, and most enduring music of all time. Brian, if you’re up there reading this, thanks for the assist, buddy. I’ll take it from here.

I’ll never forget hearing Brian’s opening music to “California Girls” and being inspired to write all the in-between parts about all the types of girls and how I did them. Man, I was really on fire that day. Could I have gotten there without Brian? You’re damn right I could, but it would have been marginally harder. The point is, I’m great.

Brian’s biggest contribution to the outfit was spearheading “Pet Sounds,” an album I believe crawled so that “Kokomo” could walk. Everyone, stop what you’re doing right now and listen to “Kokomo.” I’ll join you. God, you hear that? Heaven.

Brian struggled a lot with drug use and mental health issues, but I’ll never forget how I overcame those roadblocks to achieve a net worth of over 80 million dollars today. It just goes to show what an indomitable spirit I had and continue to have.

It’s no secret that Brian and I had our differences. Approving the form letter that officially released Brian from the band was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. The font was very small, and I couldn’t find my reading glasses that day. Still, it was that tenacity and decisiveness that led to me, not Brian, getting to play for President Donald Trump and Mar-a-Lago in 2024.

I can’t say that I love Mike Love, because I am Mike Love, and a lot of people over the years have told me that when I do say that, it comes off as weird or annoying. That’s why I’m calling on you, America, in this trying time, to love me enough for both of us. I do love me though, to be clear.

Opinion: My Favorite Beach Boys are Finally Reunited in the Afterlife: Brian Wilson, Dennis Wilson, and Charlie Manson

By The Hard Times Staff

Today is a very sad day. Legendary musician and founding member of The Beach Boys, Brian Wilson, died at the age of 82. But instead of falling to my knees and cursing the gods above for taking Brian away from us, I choose to take solace in the fact that he crossed over into the afterlife and reunited with my other favorite Beach Boys, his younger brother Dennis, and psychotic cult leader and murderer Charlie Manson.

The Beach Boys have had a few lineup changes, they even had celebrities like John Stamos join them in the studio and on the stage over the years, but any true Beach Boys fan knows the best lineup is when the rhythm section had Dennis on drums, and Brian on bass. What a duo. But if you really want the band to shine you need Charlie there sloppily playing guitar and doing his best not to stab anybody. That’s right, ol’ Chuck had that edge The Beach Boys needed.

Al Jardine might look like a bruiser who is always looking for a fight, but he’s a sweetheart at the end of the day. Mike Love was too busy writing the shittiest songs you’ve ever heard, and Karl was also there. But Charlie was a star. He had “it” and my definition of “it” is, of course: an insatiable bloodlust and complete disregard for human life. You see The Beach Boys were more than just a band that sang about surfing, and spending time with your girl, they were about rebellion. And there is no greater rebel than Charles Manson.

So yes, today we all mourn the passing of Brian Wilson, a true genius who changes the course of music history. But don’t fret, he’s probably jamming with Charlie right now and hoping he doesn’t get stabbed up a bunch. I’m not sure how it works once you die, but I’m pretty sure that you can still be stabbed in the afterlife, and we all know it doesn’t take much for Charlie to start stabbing. Just ask Rosemary and Leno LaBianca.

I don’t know about you, but I’ll be listening to the universally beloved Beach Boys song “Never Learn Not to Love” on repeat today as a tribute.

RIP Brian Wilson, and thank you for all the music.

Trump Deploys 2,000 AI Images of Himself Dressed Like Rambo Directly to Facebook to Intimidate Protesters

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump attempted to further quell any protests about his immigration policy by releasing thousands of AI-generated photos of himself on Facebook as a jacked Rambo, confirmed sources who are more confused than they are intimidated.

“These are some really beautiful photographs, some people say they should be in a museum. I’m not saying that, but a lot of people are. I’ve got the muscles, the bandana, and look at the size of that gun. That’s a very big gun, you could do a lot of damage with that,” said Trump while finishing a half dozen Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. “I want these photos to be a warning to all the radical left liberal freaks who think they have a right to push back against anything I do. These people are trying to come into your home and punch your photo of Jesus, and Jesus was a good man, a great man. I met him once in a dream. He came up to me, his body wasn’t as good as mine, and he looked kind of tired, and he said to me ‘I thought I had a good message, but yours is the best message.’ Can you believe Jesus said that to me?”

Facebook user, 58-year-old Eddie Lipton of South Dakota, was impressed by the vast array of Trump AI art.

“I was checking the news in my feed and saw how Los Angeles is on fire. Couldn’t happen to a better place, I had a 45 minute layover in LA one time and I’ve never been so afraid. I’m glad Trump is trying to keep the peace by rolling out these new photos, I was late for work because I stood up and sang “The Star Spangled Banner” each time I saw a new variation,” said Lipton while displaying multiple American flags which were desecrated with images of Trump. “I took some photos of my computer screen with my phone so I could send this Trump stuff to my daughter, but her lawyer intervened and said I was violating the restraining order. This country has gone mad.”

Activists on the streets remain undeterred by the latest tactic from the White House.

“Fuck ICE, fuck Trump, fuck every single person in law enforcement. You are all scum, there is a special place in Hell for all of you. We won’t stop, there is more of us than there are of them,” said local organizer Sammi Garcia. “This president and this administration are a disgrace. The history books will not be kind to anyone who sat on the sidelines and watched this happen. Also, nobody under the age of 35 even has a Facebook account, dumb fucks.”

At press time, Trump changed his official White House photo to an AI image of himself riding a pegasus into battle on the beach at Normandy.

Mormon Hipster Prefers Earlier Day Saints

By Mike Moran

GILLETTE, Wyo. — Local hipster LDS adherent Rafter Barlow, who prefers the term “Josephite” over “Mormon,” is a faithful servant of god, a loyal church attendee, and reportedly “too cool for seminary” due to his preference for the “Earlier Day Saints,” confirmed sources.

“I just gravitate towards vintage saints,” said Barlow. “Yes, I’m aware, María de la Purísima Salvat Romero, or whatever her name is, is the current flavor of the week. But I’ll take Abercius of Hieropolis, any day. I mean dude succeeded Bishop Papias. Do today’s saints even know what piety is? And while we’re on it, can they please stop making sequels to the Book of Mormon? Call me a sacred text snob if you must, but I honestly haven’t even bothered reading that ‘Pearl of Great Price’ cash-in they released awhile back. I wouldn’t be surprised if ‘Hobbs and Shaw’ show up in it.”

Those among Barlow’s ward don’t always agree.

“I’m sorry, gramps, but get with the times,” says Gen Z Mormon, Julia Stevens, “This isn’t the Succession Crisis of 1844. Just because something is old, doesn’t mean it’s cool. I mean, look at Catholicism, or Gene Shalit. And it’s not just saints he’s snobby about. He also has to roll his eyes any time someone mentions Salt Lake City as it’s, as he puts it, full of nothing but post-Restoration posers and Bingham Young dick-riders these days. And his whole idea about using AI and CGI to restore old Mormon doctrine to their original versions? Would that include the 1978 Revelation on Priesthood, which finally allowed Black and African Mormons to be priests?”

Bishop James Hamon, who has mentored both Barlow and Stevens in the past, wishes younger Mormons would understand that they should spend less time trying to impress one another and more time trying to impress God.

“Quite frankly I think this kind of pearly-gatekeeping is as useless as caffeinated soda. I mean, God was doing literally everything before it was cool,” said Hamon. “I’ve been around much longer than Julia, and Rafter, and I can tell you, no one is really that dazzled. You’re talking to a guy who owns an original copy of the golden plates, signed by Joseph Smith, and authenticated by God. But sorry, no I can’t show you.”

At press time, there were rumors that Barlow was slowly inching his way back towards pre-20th Century Mormonism in an attempt to justify his multiple infidelities.

Why Does Everyone Tell Me the Wrong Address for Protests? — Guest Post by Sean Penn

By Ian Steffé

I’ve done the work. The hard, gritty, photogenically lit work. There are black-and-white photos of me crouching beside rubble in Haiti, sweat on my brow, concern in my eyes—deep concern.I’ve stared into the face of suffering while wearing ethically sourced sunglasses. I’m the kind of guy who’ll take the time to learn your culture and native language before threatening to have you fired. So you’ll understand my confusion when I keep getting sent to the wrong goddamn address for every protest.

It feels like this started a few years ago. When the revolution ignited in Egypt in 2012, I knew I had to be there. History was happening, and I wanted to squint meaningfully into it. I was told the protestors were gathering outside this restaurant called “Moisture Chicken and WIFI” near Tahrir Square—so I went. Alone. I stood there holding a sign like a fucking idiot, looking around for the uprising. A couple of kids wandered over and tried to sell me a bootleg DVD of “Milk.” I passed. Then one of them said, “Didn’t you kidnap Madonna? Like, really beat her up?” Before I could explain that love is complicated and the ‘80s were a very different time, my hands decided they’d speak first. I got the hell out of there immediately after, bloody-knuckled and confused.

Years later, I tried to show solidarity with my union brothers and sisters at SAG-AFTRA. I was told the protest was happening at a vape shop called CloudFärt in Van Nuys. I stood outside for six hours. Alone again. No signs. No chants. This guy leaned out of his car and asked, “Hey man, are you still hitting people or what?” The question was so insensitive, so reductive, so deeply disrespectful, I knew I just had to punch him. Unfortunately, he was not a little girl selling DVDs. I woke up inside a dumpster full of expired nicotine pods and the feeling that maybe, just maybe, I’d been misled again.

And don’t even get me started on Gaza. I haven’t been contacted by either side. Not one word. Not even a “Thanks but no thanks.” And I’ve got really good ideas for both conflict zones that don’t even involve punching, but still, radio silence. I’m Sean Fucking Penn. I’ve been to places. I’ve done things. And somehow, in a moment of global crisis, no one wants me playing humanitarian. What am I, Jon Fucking Voight!?

Okay look, if this is about the punching, I apologize. Sort of. Spiritually. In interviews. With long pauses. That’s how men say sorry — we squint, we brood, we imply. But I guess some people just can’t let go of the past, no matter how many Middle Eastern refugee camps I take selfies in.

Apparently, I’m still “that guy.” Like I’m just walking around with two fucking Oscars and a humanitarian award presented by Mikhail Gorbachev, himself — who, by the way, I almost punched, but he flinched like a pussy, so I didn’t. And that counts. I still got his ass.

So please. I’m telling you this up front. If the next protest isn’t at The Wet Couch in the Castro District, please let me know. Because I swear to God, I will really lose my shit this time.

“New Jersey Sober” Friend Only Smokes Cigarettes Found on the Ground

By Matt Bieker

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Local muralist Tyler Vantucci recently declared himself “New Jersey sober,” a lifestyle he describes as “totally clean, except for found cigarettes, expired kombucha, and the occasional free-range ketamine bump,” confirmed sources.

“I’m not, like, ‘rehab sober,’” said Vantucci while lighting a half-smoked Newport he found outside a Shell station. “I’m spiritually sober. If I didn’t pay for it and it came from the earth—or the sidewalk—it doesn’t count. Out West it’s green juice and ayahuasca in a yurt. Out here it’s ripping menthol butts you found in a puddle while blasting A Day to Remember in your headphones. This is East Coast healing. I’m not numbing myself anymore. I’m present. When I smoke a cigarette off the ground, I feel it in my spirit. Also in my lungs. But that’s part of the journey.”

Roommate Madison Reyes says she now avoids using the word “sober” around him altogether.

“He keeps calling it ‘urban foraging,’ like he’s some kind of nicotine raccoon with a self-help podcast,” Reyes said. “Last week he told my mom he was clean, then pulled a Parliament out of his shoe and said it ‘found him.’ I don’t even know what that means. Not only that but another friend of mine just said he was ‘Long Island sober,’ which evidently means they only smoke cigarettes they’ve bummed off of someone else. I just can’t keep up.”

Caleb Torres, a sober recovery mentor with eight years clean, says he once tried to help Vantucci, but quickly realized they had “fundamentally incompatible definitions of sobriety.”

“He told me he’s working Step Six-and-a-Half, which apparently involves smoking a roach he found in a glove compartment and then gratitude journaling about it,” said Torres. “I invited him to a meeting and he said he couldn’t come because he was scared he would ‘absorb the microplastics in the folding chairs through his ass.’ I got sober after OD’ing behind a Taco Bell. I’m not here to gatekeep. But if your sobriety includes street mushrooms and car-seat cigarettes, maybe don’t call that healing.’”

At press time, Vantucci was spotted leading a sunset “detox ceremony” behind a Jiffy Lube, passing around a crystal pipe filled with what he claimed was “naturally sourced resin.”

“He Was an Agitator,” Claims LAPD Officer Who Shot Sleeping Snorlax

BY Matt Fresh

LOS ANGELES — The LAPD officer who shot a sleeping Snorlax with rubber bullets during the recent anti-ICE protests claims he was well within his rights to fire upon the Pokémon. According to the officer, the peacefully sleeping pocket monster was inciting the crowd to become violent against law enforcement.

“The LAPD has no problems with peaceful, lawful protests but this Snorlax was an agitator who was riling the crowd up to becoming violent and he had to be put in his place,” claimed Officer Markus Banks who asked to remain anonymous. “We respect the public’s right to protest but what this Snorlax was doing was beyond reproach. Some may wrongfully claim that he was just sleeping there, not bothering anyone but it was quite the opposite. He was trying to turn the protest into a riot, he was throwing things at my fellow officers and being quite aggressive. I feared for my safety as well as those of my colleagues so I did what had to be done and took the shot. Rubber bullets knocked him right out. That’s when he went to sleep.”

The LAPD has stated that an investigation into Officer Banks’ actions has already been concluded.

“We’ve reviewed both Officer Banks’ bodycam footage as well as dozens of videos taken of the incident and posted online. We have seen this incident from all possible angles,” stated LAPD Commissioner Jeff Stone. “The footage doesn’t lie. The Snorlax was sleeping peacefully on the road during the protest before Officer Banks aimed his gun and fired on the creature. In light of this, we have concluded that Officer Banks did nothing wrong. That Snorlax may have been sleeping but who knows what kind of violent acts he was planning and we commend Officer Banks on his heroic quick thinking.”

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth is using the incident as justification for deploying Marines to the protests.

“How did that Snorlax even get in there? Is it a legal Snorlax? It wasn’t accompanied by a trainer so it was clearly a wild Snorlax. Good for Officer Banks for doing what had to be done but the fact that an illegal wild Snorlax even made its way there is proof that these protests are being organized by radical traitors who have sided against our country and with invaders such as this malicious Snorlax. The LAPD clearly can’t handle this on their own. What are they gonna do when these terrorists send in an illegal Magikarp? Who will protect the people?”

At press time, President Trump has signed an executive order to implement 150% tariffs on the Kanto Region until they secure their border.

LGBTQ+ People Change Social Media Profile Images To Corporate Logos in Honor of Pride Month

BY Kate Danvers

Across Bluesky, X – the Everything App, Facebook, and Instagram, the usual profile pictures of the LGBTQ+ community are changing to drab and dreary corporate logos. The change was made at exactly 12:00am on June 1st and is expected to revert at 11:59pm on June 30th.

One user, Nando Vidal, said the change was in honor of Pride Month.

“We at Nando Vidal Incorporated recognize the past contributions of corporate America to the queer community and wish to celebrate them,” Vidal said in an image posted to their profiles signed with a block letter ‘V’. “We want the CEOs, CFOs, and other members of the C-suite community to know they matter.”

Trans Rights activist Madison Blair further elaborated, stressing the need to uplift the less fortunate people of the world, especially one of the world’s most persecuted minorities.

“In these trying times, CEOs face many hardships such as overseeing mass layoffs, restructuring, and even threats to their lives,” said Blair in a jpeg of white text on a black background. “We at MaddyBlairBear intend to use this month to remember these courageous souls through this magnanimous gesture of changing our profile image for exactly 43,200 minutes.”

The move seemed to garner a mixed reaction from followers, with many skeptical of the sincerity in the gesture. Others, particularly those who aren’t executives of companies, were more positive.

“I think it’s a wonderful thing,” Janet White, aka SoccerMomster98 wrote on X, “as a corporate ally myself, I know how important it is to spread awareness. What better way to do that than changing Twitter PFPs?” White later deleted the post and apologized for deadnaming X, saying she was ‘trying to do better’.

At press time, many of the users who changed their profile picture have admitted they’ve never donated or volunteered to help corporate causes, claiming the profile picture was enough.