Hard Digest June 8: Early Access Dream Theater, Landlords, and Trump

Dream Theater Fans Storm the Capitol After Tariffs Raise Price of Real Dolls

By Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — The nation’s fans of progressive metal band Dream Theater stormed the Capitol after the price of Real Dolls, a brand of life-size sex dolls, was raised as a direct result of President Donald Trump’s tariffs, sources report.

“I’ve been tolerating Trump’s meddling with the economy, but this is too far,” fan Joe Reynolds wheezed as he struggled up the Capitol steps. “I can’t just stand idly by and allow for this injustice to occur. It’s time for Americans to stand up and fight back against this tyrannical government. I have been saving up for years to purchase my first Real Doll, and now I have to move it back because the price went up a hundred bucks. If he thinks he can push us around, he’s in for a rude awakening. It’s time for us Dream Theater fans to take this country back.”

Capitol police officer Mia Horwitz was on duty during the Capitol storming.

“While I don’t condone insurrections in any way, this one is so much easier to handle than the last one,” Horwitz said. “At least now I’m not getting bear maced and beaten with Thin Blue Line flags. These guys are all just kind of milling about and getting their skullets caught in each others’ eyeglasses. Only two of them have made it to the front of the actual building so far, and they look way too timid to break the glass and enter. They’re just looking at each other nervously and kind of tapping on it. One of them actually went to the front door and knocked on it like he was trying to enter a friend’s house. I almost felt sorry for him.”

Dream Theater vocalist James LaBrie was supportive of his fans’ actions.

“Dream Theater fans have been pushed around for far too long,” LaBrie offered. “Bullies like Donald Trump think they can get away with these types of abuses, so I am incredibly proud of my fans for finally stepping up and revolting against him. Hopefully in doing this, they can effect change and halt these intrusive price increases once and for all. Nothing, and I mean nothing, should come between a progressive rocker and his sex dolls, and he will rue the day he decided to cross us.”

At press time, the nation’s Tool fans had also decided to convene on the Capitol in a show of solidarity with the Dream Theater fans.

Dear Sir,

I hope this letter finds you, though previous correspondence has remained undelivered due to complaints from the Post Office that your mailbox keeps screaming at the mail carriers. Regardless, this letter must be sent as a means of receipt following your previous residence, then eviction or exorcism, or whatever you’d call it. Below is an invoice detailing the significant damages incurred by you while living at the premises:

Wall Damage

Multiple claw marks, holes, and several contorted human faces fused into the wall. Faces appear to sob at odd intervals, causing further water damage to the plaster.
$1,500 for structural repair

Rusted Rube Goldberg Machine Found Under Load Bearing Studs

Machine has no determined use, but repeated attempts to dismantle it have resulted in our workers going missing only to be found later, nude, wandering the apartment complex.
$800 for removal, +$200 lost man-hours

Floor Ooze

Thick, iridescent slime coating most floors. Absorbed two vacuums and a mop bucket in what we believe was an attempt to fight back.
$900 for industrial cleaning, $200 for emotional damages to cleaner, $300 lost materials

Furniture Disposal

Blood-soaked bed frame and a floating chair that had to be wrestled down by four workers.
$300 for disposal, $50 broken ladder

Sewage Pipes Filled With Rotting Meat

You were repeatedly warned that only toilet tissue is allowed to be flushed down the drains. This feels personal.
$3000 Plumbing Fees

“The Box” Disposal

Disposal of chained slatted cube emitting constant low-volume hum. Two workers attempted to “join the box.” and more nude wandering transpired.
$400 Disposal Fee +$200 lost man hours

Unauthorized Tenant

Discovered a walnut-faced shriveled man in one of the kitchen cabinets. Honestly, he couldn’t have been a nicer guy about the whole thing and left following numerous apologies. Regardless, there are rules about subletting that are clearly outlined in the lease agreement.
$1500 Fine for Violating Renter’s Contract

TOTAL DAMAGES: $9350

Please remit payment immediately. If not received within 30 days, I will be forced to contact a collections agency.

Sincerely,
Justin P. Drew
Property Owner, Landlord

Trump Vows to Reverse Urban Lofts Back Into American Sweatshops

By Justin Cummings

NEW YORK — President Donald Trump vowed to bring sweatshops back to the US by reverting chic loft apartments, confirmed uneasy sources.

“We’re going to have the greatest garment factories ever. You’ll all thank me. These expensive lofts will become the heart of American fashion and industry right here,” said Trump. “We’re going to get people back to work. Just like the old days when working conditions were hazardous and workers were dehydrated. In the end, you all will say, ‘Look at all of these beautiful American women wearing stylish American clothes. Now we make the best clothing here at home in America. Not China!’ It’s going to be big. So big. Even Canada will be wearing our clothing.”

Residents of an urban loft building have been caught off guard by the threats of being displaced.

“I can’t believe they would just kick us out to build a factory in a factory building. Is this post-gentrification displacement?” asked Williamsburg loft resident, artist, and part-time server Sylvie Lennox. “I’ve been living in the loft for five years and because of rent control, my 400-square-foot apartment is currently only $4,000 per month. I picked this loft because we didn’t want to pay for a gentrified space where a poor person was displaced. I know that not every broke person has a parent that can afford to pay this much. Now I could possibly experience homelessness if my parents can’t help me find a new place to live.”

Crust punk Johnny “Chaos” Burton stated that he squatted in the building off and on from 2006 until 2009.

“That place was friggin’ sweet until those fucking hipsters came and ruined it. I can’t even count the number of times Leftöver Crack played in that building, but honestly that’s because I was blacked out most of the time,” said Burton, currently unhoused and transient. “In fact, I used to also work in the illegal underground sweatshop that they used to run here. We made patches and stickers and sold them at shows. Those were better times when I was making a good 35 bucks a month while only working 60 hours a week. Glad to see this place return to its roots.”

At press time, Trump promised that only children will be working in these sweatshops.