Hard Digest June 6: Billionaires, Early Access Country Music, John Mellencamp, JD Vance, and More

Untethered MAGA Patriot Unsure Which Billionaire to Worship Going Forward

By The Hard Times Staff

HELENA, Mont. — Self-proclaimed “Ultra-MAGA Patriot” Tommy Walton admitted that the public blow-up between President Trump and Elon Musk is causing him immense mental anguish as he ponders which billionaire he will build his online personality around next, sources confirmed.

“Let’s get one thing straight: Nothing can turn me against Trump. I don’t even care if he’s in the Epstein files. As far as I’m concerned, he saved dozens of children on that island,” said Walton. “But this Elon thing has me hurting. He was everything I wanted to be. Now I don’t know what to do. Bill Gates kills children. Mark Zuckerberg is a weird robot. Jeff Bezos might be a good option, but he’s nowhere near as funny as Elon. When was the last time Bezos actually owned a lib or wielded a chainsaw in public? This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, worse than the time my wife and kids were killed in a car accident that I caused.”

Friends of Walton have tried their best to cheer him up.

“Tommy has been inconsolable. We tried everything to break him out of his funk. I played him some Charlie Kirk videos where he makes college kids look dumb, I bought him a new pair of titanium Truck Nutz, and I even tried to jolt him up by looking at my phone and screaming ‘The Supreme Court just said women no longer have the right to vote.’ I got no reaction, he just sat there staring at the wall, it’s sad to see him like this,” said longtime friend Erik Trotta. “I just wish I could show him some of the videos we took on January 6th at the Capitol, I know that would help him out, but the FBI seized our phones in 2021 and never gave them back.”

Psychologist Amy Gomez believes they are many more people just like Walton suffering in silence out there right now.

“The men and women who have made MAGA their entire personality might never recover. I could lose my license for saying this, but we should do everything we can to encourage them to take their own lives,” said Gomez. “Nobody will miss these people. They have all alienated the rest of their family. The only friends they have are online, and these are the people that think ICE are ‘Just doing their job.’ Good riddance. Borrow my gun and don’t worry about repaying me for the bullet.”

At press time, Walton was able to find some semblance of normalcy after leaving hateful comments on a transgender athlete’s Instagram post.

Honest Country Song About Small Town Mostly Bragging About Its Three Dialysis Centers

By John Danek

SMITHFIELD, Ind. — A chart-blazing country pop song extolling the qualities of a small town spends most of its length bizarrely boasting about its high number of dialysis centers per capita, music fans observed.

“City folk will never understand how fun and fulfilling a town like Smithfield can be, especially if you have kidney failure. That’s why I wrote ‘Smithfield Days, Smithfield Nights,’” stated Branson Hutchens, who is a rising star on Not NOT A Christian Nationalist Records, a country label out of Texas. “If the dialysis centers aren’t enough for you, do you like Subway sandwiches? Ho boy, you’ll have a blast. We have four franchises serving a community of just under two thousand. Two are within a stone’s throw of the most homophobic church in the county. Eat enough Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwiches and you’ll be at West End Dialysis in no time. Long live Smithfield and whatever is left of your kidneys.”

The mayor of Smithfield presented Hutchens with the key to the city for shining the national spotlight on their humble community.

“Branson Hutchens has deservedly earned the key to the city, which can open any break room in all three dialysis facilities within city limits,” stated Smithfield mayor Mary Carterson, whose most recent political victory was opening the Ted Nugent Museum of Science in the town. “He provided Smithfield with a much-needed win. Our town has been hit with a total loss of industry, a never-ending opioid epidemic, and a frightening resurgence of Ed Hardy and Affliction fashion. We are working with state government officials to get us officially designated as the Renal Care Capital of Indiana. Can you imagine? If successful, there’s no reason I can’t run for state senator.”

Nephrologists are sounding the alarm after this unexpected glorification of very serious kidney diseases.

“There is nothing particularly pleasant or fun about kidney failure or having to spend hours per month in dialysis centers surrounded by beige machinery,” stated Dr. Loren Hagen of IU Health Methodist Hospital. “We also need to stop glorifying four chord pop country meme songs, which are equally as dangerous and threats to modern life. Johnny Cash used to sing about killing people for no reason.”

The future of dialysis centers in the United States are in question after Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr recently proclaimed that “kidneys aren’t real.”

Yikes! We Asked John Mellencamp What “Hurts So Good” Is About, and He Went Into Graphic Detail About His First Time Experimenting With Nipple Clamps

By Tim Sheard

Everybody is aware of John Mellencamp’s befuddling “suckin’ on chili dogs” line, so we sat down with the aging rocker to learn the real meaning of his 1982 hit “Hurts So Good.”

We’ve been hearing this song in department stores and doctor’s office waiting rooms our whole lives, so it was nice to hear its meaning directly from the source. Unfortunately, his response ended up being much more than we had expected, so much so that we can only present you with a portion of the interview’s transcript.

The Hard Times: Hi, Mr. Mellencamp, it’s very nice to meet you!

John Mellencamp: Likewise!

HT: You’ve had a number of hits throughout your career, but we want to focus on “Hurts So Good” in particular. Can you tell us what that song is about?

JM: Oh, I thought it was obvious. That song is about how intense my first sexual experience with nipple clamps was.

HT: Excuse me?

JM: It was 1978, and I went to an S&M club in downtown Los Angeles called The Pain Pit. The sheer exhilaration I felt when that clamp first bit down on my left nipple is indescribable. I just had to write a song about it.

HT: Oh, good for you, Mr. Mellencamp. We just heard the song on the radio on the way to this interview, so we’re surprised it has such graphic subject matter.

JM: What did you think it was about? I mean, I’m the guy who sings about deepthroating chili dogs. The world should already know how much of a freak I am.

HT: Good point.

JM: While we’re on the subject, I was just at the Fuck Dungeon on Friday night. Do you want to see all the bruises I accumulated?

The conversation went on for another half hour after that, but we’ll spare you the details. Suffice it to say we certainly had not anticipated listening to a 73-year-old man walk us through the most recent nipple bruises he’d collected when we set out to do that interview. At least now we’ve got some closure on the true meaning of one of the two Mellencamp songs that we know. Remember to put your hands over your kids’ ears the next time this song comes on at a Dodgers game, and be careful which color bandana you carry in your back left pocket, apparently, you may be sending some unintended signals.

JD Vance Suggests Struggling Americans Pull Selves Up By Bootstraps and Get Their Own Evil Machiavellian Billionaire to Orchestrate Rise to Power

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance lashed out at working-class Americans today criticizing their inability to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and find an evil scheming oligarch to uplift them from poverty, sources confirmed.

“Every day I have to endure grousing from the whiniest Americans, complaining about how they can’t make ends meet—I mean how hard is it to dig down deep, take some personal responsibility, and find an unscrupulous billionaire to orchestrate your rise to power?” said Vance. “I grew up poor too, but did that stop me from selling my soul for the promise of wealth and power? The America I know was built on tough, hardworking folks supporting their families by shredding any dignity they had left, slapping on some thick eyeliner like a truck stop lot lizard, and whoring themselves out to further the neo-feudalist agenda of a sinister technocrat.”

Ohio mechanic Tom Griswald reportedly felt foolish that he had spent years struggling to make ends meet instead of pursuing a wealthy patron to lift him from his poor socioeconomic class.

“I feel like such a moron, I’ve been working doubles and moonlighting for Uber when this whole time I could have simply found an oligarch to pimp me out for nefarious reasons,” said Griswald, searching for “Billionaire Patron” on Indeed. “Well first thing in the morning I’m going to march right down to Yale and convince a contract law professor to help me write a book about how my mom sold me for drugs, and find some crypto bros to funnel dark money into my Senatorial campaign. Thank you Vice President Vance for inspiring me to finally take some personal responsibility, grab the couch by the armrests, and find me a scheming sugar daddy.”

Billionaire techno-autocrat Peter Thiel reminisced about the day he met Vance.

“You know, when I first plucked JD from obscurity and orchestrated his rise to the White House I thought he was just another pawn on my board, but watching him grow from a strange little boy to a strange plump man has been so fulfilling that some days I wonder who rescued who,” said Thiel, holding Vance’s old shock collar in his hands. “I’ve tried to convince Marc Andreesen how rewarding it is to groom your very own Manchurian candidate, but he insists on developing an AI to fulfill his global domination and companionship needs. Mind you it’s not a perfect science, John Fetterman blew a fuse and went haywire, but it’s all worth it when you see your special little guy bulldoze the federal government so he can remake the nation in your image.”

At press time, the nation’s oligarchs were collectively pretending not to notice Ted Cruz begging for adoption.

Geoff Keighley Celebrates Pride by Following Corporate Mandate to Ignore It

BY Matt Fresh

LOS ANGELES — Summer Game Fest producer and Archduke of Advertisements Geoff Keighley will be making a special effort to celebrate Pride Month this year by following his corporate mandate to completely ignore it.

“I love gaming, particularly the revenue it brings me when I hawk my wares at the common folk,” said Keighley while readjusting his skin during a livestream to prove he’s a real human. “The LGBTQ+ community makes up a huge portion of our audience and I appreciate that but they are not more important to me than the almighty dollar. Nothing is. So when the executives at the big corporations that pay my bills tell me not to acknowledge them, then that’s what I’m going to do without hesitation. If they want me to support them so badly I’m sure they know how to write a check.”

An executive at one of the gaming corporations spoke to us on Keighley’s Pride Month plans under the cover of anonymity.

“Look if that patsy wants to wish anyone a happy Pride or acknowledge gay people in any way, we’re not gonna give him access to any of our commercials and we won’t be paying him to talk about our products,” the executive said while ferociously shredding financial documents. “In previous years, it’s been okay for us to give out token acknowledgements, add a rainbow emblem into our games, change our social media profile picture, that kind of meaningless stuff that makes for good PR but we don’t actually have to support a cause. But these days, with this administration, no way. That’ll hurt our bottom line. Bigots are still paying customers. Keighley is a good dog and he’ll do as he’s told.”

Keighley defended himself from calls that he should use his platform to shine a light on marginalized members of the gaming community.

“I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I shouldn’t be expected to risk my big pay day just to use my platform to do good. You guys are already marginalized, I don’t need my bank account to be marginalized as well,” Keighley exclaimed while practicing various human-like facial expressions. “The only thing I have pride in is how many ads I can cram into one show. Do you see this batarang behind me that makes me relatable to your species? That was paid for by Baja Blast bitch!”

At press time, Keighley has stated he believes that the only real love is between a man and his friend Hideo Kojima.

Video Game Story Spoiled by Title of Recommended Video on YouTube

BY Adam Frost-Venrick

SPOKANE, WA — Local high school student and gamer Travis Feeny was struck with tragedy and bitter disappointment on Wednesday evening when some of the biggest plot points for the new Nintendo Switch game “The Ten Thousand Perils of Possum Plateau” were spoiled by a video playthrough the youth saw on YouTube.

The video, entitled: “What Happens in TTPPP When You Pop the Possum Queen’s Cyst?” was uploaded by a creator known only as Gumsh, who is known for “doing this sort of thing.”

“It sucked. I bought the game to play on my Switch, but my mom won’t let me start gaming until after my homework’s done. So I put on a video about the game to listen to while I was doing my homework and just let it autoplay,” explained Feeny. “Before I knew it, the fucking game was ruined. I didn’t wanna know that the game ends with you popping the Possum Queen’s Perilous Pilonidal Cyst and Drinking the Pus of Peace. It’s worthless now. I don’t even like Gumsh! He’s for fucking babies!”

Feeny’s mother, Laura Feeny was present to witness the devastating aftermath

“I hate that Travis watches those stupid YouTube videos while he works,” said Mrs. Feeny. “I let him do it because it was the only way to get him to actually do his homework. Before, he used to lock himself in his room with one of his consoles and just stay there until three or four AM. His grades were in freefall and the smell was unbearable. I don’t know what this stupid possum game was or what a Gumsh is. Maybe this is good for him. Maybe this was a step in the right direction.”

But the video’s creator, Craig Wollwood, aka Gumsh, had other thoughts.

“I don’t feel bad that that kid got the game spoiled for him,” Wollwood said. “Gumsh Nation is no place for noobs. Gumsh nation is for the real players. The ones who don’t go to school. The ones who don’t work. The ones who haven’t bathed in weeks because the musk is part of what sustains us. I suppose next you’ll be griping to me that I spoiled the ending of Waluigi’s BDSM Island Adventure, where Waluigi marries the Nipple Clamp Princess. Well grip if you like, but you can’t grip against Gumsh Nation! We are many! We are legion!”

At press time, the younger Feeny had begrudgingly returned to his algebra homework, while Wollwood celebrated the newly subscribed fifty-eighth member of Gumsh Nation.