Hard Digest June 5: White House Drama, Greta Thunberg, Early Access MTV News, Crust Punks, Orwell, and More

JD Vance Pumped to Be Getting Two Christmases

By Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — Vice President JD Vance can barely conceal his excitement at the prospect of getting “Two whole Christmases!” this year in light of the recent explosive rift between Donald Trump and Elon Musk, sources claim.

“Look, I understand the severity of the situation, and nobody wants Daddy and Daddy to stop fighting more than me, but if they do get divorced, that means I get a whole Christmas at the Mara Lago, and a whole Christmas at Elon’s house!” beamed the vice president to a crisis counselor called in to check on him. “And the best part is I heard that when grown-ups get divorced, they give even better Christmas presents than before! I might get a national abortion ban and a Switch 2! I mean, actually I get three Christmases if you count mean Auntie Melania’s White House party but ugh, so boring!”

While Trump’s inner circle reacts to the split in a multitude of ways, the DNC wasted no time capitalizing on the rift, trolling Trump with a free child pornography truck parked outside GOP headquarters.

Conservative Man Who is Afraid of Cities Mocks 22-Year-Old Girl Sailing Into Warzone

By Tim Graham

BELVEDERE, Ill. — Self-described ‘ultraMAGA patriot’ Gill Stevenson relentlessly criticized Greta Thunberg as she makes another attempt to bring aid to Gaza, according to sources.

“It’s just more performative grandstanding from Thunberg twerp,” said Stevenson while en route to get a deep tissue massage. “I’ve seen the pictures of her on that boat—it’s all a photo-op staged by the antisemitic liberal media. I saw an X post saying she’s really just delivering food, booze, and new Nintendo Switches to Hamas leaders. Want to know about courage? Real courage is my cousin Tony, who just last week went into Chicago to pick up a Peloton bike he saw on Craigslist. He paid in cash, and it wasn’t even a nice part of Chicago—it was on the South Side!”

Dr. Gabriel Boucher, who works with Doctors Without Borders, says actually seeing the situation in Gaza would humble people like Stevenson.

“Mr. Stevenson is one of these, how do you say, ‘keyboard warriors’?” said Dr. Boucher as he took a break from loading medical supplies into a truck. “These Americans like to sit with their phones, eating their cheeseburgers, drinking 144oz buckets of soda, all while daring to criticize brave young people like Ms. Thunberg. This man would not last five minutes in Gaza. I invite Mr. Stevenson to join me on my next trip. We will see who is brave when his Oakleys are knocked off his face by the concussion from a US-made 2,000-pound bomb that Israel dropped on a children’s hospital.”

Psychologist Edgar Feynman says Stevenson’s motives are pretty obvious.

“Mr. Stevenson is ashamed of his own cowardice, so he feels compelled to lash out when he is confronted with actual examples of human bravery,” said Feynman. “Ms. Thunberg’s selfless acts, which put her own life at serious risk, challenge Mr. Stevenson’s desired view of himself as a tough ‘alpha male.’ If he were interested in addressing his anger and feelings of inferiority, I would be glad to help with some exposure therapy. I’ve had good results using virtual reality simulations of walking around urban environments. We would work our way up to actually visiting a real city neighborhood and getting lunch at a local non-chain diner.”

At press time, Stevenson had reportedly changed the graphic on his F150’s tailgate from a hogtied Joe Biden to a hogtied Greta Thunberg.

Diehard MTV News Fan Only Going to Megadeth Show to Hear First Five Seconds of “Peace Sells”

By Steve Packosky

BOSTON — Lifelong fan of MTV News commercial segments Randy Colefell found himself going to see thrash metal legends Megadeth just to hear the opening bassline to their 1986 hit “Peace Sells,” sources report.

“I grew up getting all my news from MTV,” Colefell said. “Every time I heard the opening riff to ‘Peace Sells’ along with that spinning sphere, I knew Tabitha Soren or John Norris was going to give me the latest update on Lollapalooza or the aftermath of the Columbine massacre. As soon as I read that Megadeth was coming to town, I knew I just had to go see them so I could experience that iconic bassline in person. I have no real interest in seeing the band aside from the beginning of that one song, so I’m probably going to head out as soon as I’ve heard it. To be completely honest, I really can’t stand the sound of Dave Mustaine’s voice. Seems like MTV News put this band on the map.”

Colefell’s friend Rosie Willowbrook expressed her displeasure at his actions.

“Listen, I love MTV News as much as anyone else,” Willowbrook commented. “I just think if you’re going to spend 150 bucks on a ticket to a metal show, you should at least stick around for the whole thing. I know Megadeth’s live shows have been pretty lacking in recent years, but it’ll still be sick to hear ‘Holy Wars’ and ‘In My Darkest Hour’ live. Going just to hear the first five seconds of a song that’s not really that great to begin with just seems like a waste of time to me.”

Megadeth bassist James LoMenzo reacted to Colefell’s behavior.

“Listen, it’s cool that this guy can’t wait to hear me lay down that bass line,” LoMenzo provided. “I just wish he was every bit as excited to hear the rest of our set. Granted, we’re not going to play any of our other songs that have sick bass solos, like ‘Take No Prisoners,’ but we’ll be playing a few good tunes that he should stick around for. If you overlook ‘À Tout le Monde,’ you can really enjoy our set. I wasn’t even in the band when ‘Peace Sells’ was written and recorded, so I can’t even be flattered by this dude only wanting to hear that.”

At press time, Colefell left in disgust after Kurt Loder failed to appear after the first five seconds of “Peace Sells.”

Five Humane Alternatives To Declawing Your Neighborhood Crust Punk

By Steve Packosky

Oh no, it happened again! Looks like your neighborhood crust punk got scared and scratched your kid after she got too close to his Marlboro stash, and you’re considering a declawing procedure, but not so fast! Before you resort to such a cruel and unethical approach, try considering these five humane alternatives.

Scratching Post
Did you know providing your neighborhood crust punk with a scratching post will give him a safe outlet while cutting down on potential outbursts? Make it familiar by constructing it out of old Discharge and Nausea patches. This will undoubtedly hasten his acclimatization to the post, and thus make him less of a liability to your neighborhood’s residents.

Beer
Remember, a sleeping crust punk is not going to be a danger to others. Moreover, a crust punk who is getting proper rest is much less likely to lash out at those around him. Leave a six-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon near his mattress every night, as this will help put him to sleep and keep him from prowling the neighborhood. Helpful tip: try switching to Pounders to save money.

Guitar
Give your neighborhood crust punk a guitar to keep him occupied. It does not have to be particularly fancy, as anything with a high gain humbucker will do. Remember, the goal is to keep your crust punk occupied. You don’t care about the music he plans on playing, and you certainly don’t want to hear it. As such, under no circumstances are you to provide him with an amp!

Tattoo Gun
Provide your crust punk with a tattoo gun so he can focus his time and energy on developing the craft that all crust punks inevitably end up focusing on. Not only will this give the crust punk a fulfilling pastime and thus keep your loved ones and neighbors safe, but it will help him become a productive, taxpaying member of society once he gets good enough to open his own shop. Also, you’ll have a hookup once you decide to get that Amebix tattoo you’ve been thinking about!

Euthanasia
It should go without saying that this alternative should only be considered as a last resort. Nobody wants to explore this option unless it’s absolutely necessary, which is unfortunately sometimes the case. Neighborhood crust punks can occasionally be beyond saving, but you should only draw this conclusion after all other alternatives have been attempted.

There you have it. Hopefully you were able to solve the problem without resorting to Number 5, but if not, stay tuned for our upcoming article on how to talk to your child about the sudden disappearance of your neighborhood crust punk.

Man Who Dropped Phone, AirPods, and Watch in Public Toilet Declares He Is Living an “Orwellian Nightmare”

By The Hard Times Staff

ABINGTON, Mass. — Local man Mike Horrigan declared he was living an Orwellian nightmare after dropping all his expensive Apple products into a freshly used public toilet, confirmed sources who were trying not to laugh.

“Society has become a technological hellscape that the human brain hasn’t properly adapted to. We need to go back to a simpler time where people could use public restrooms and not lose nearly $2,000 worth of electronics into a clogged toilet,” said Horrigan while wrapping his hands in paper towels in preparation for reaching into the bowl. “I suppose it’s my fault at the end of the day. We’re programmed to want the newest and the best products. But the engineers in Cupertino never account for the fact some people like to wipe while standing up, so it’s very easy for their phone to fall out of their pocket, then when they turn around in a panic to see what the plopping noise was their Airpods fly out of their ears, also landing in the toilet, at the exact same time the clasp on your watch gets snagged on the toilet paper holder and your Apple Watch lands right on time of last night’s dinner. This is what Orwell was talking about, probably.”

Other people using the public bathroom sympathized with Horrigan.

“Who among us hasn’t dropped their phone in the toilet? You just gotta hope the water is clean when it happens, and then you don’t tell anyone about it. But from what I heard in there today, this man was not so lucky,” said Dan Cleary, who admits to only using stalls in the bathroom because of a shy bladder. “After his initial reaction I overheard him mumbling about how AI is the death of art, and how human creativity became a commodity that simply wasn’t profitable anymore. He made some interesting points, but I could see under the stall that he still hadn’t pulled his pants up so it was tough to take him seriously.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook assured consumers that problems like this won’t happen in the near future.

“We have heard your concerns. You are tired of fishing your phone out of a filthy highway rest stop bathroom toilet. We are working on a new line of products that can be directly implanted into your brain that will allow you to text, make calls, and play games all in the comfort of your own cerebrum,” said Cook. “This new device will also have a news feed directly tailored to your biases, so you will never be challenged by outside perspective again. And the best part? Once it’s implanted, it can never come out, so you don’t have to worry about it falling out of your eye socket and landing in a litter box or something.”

At press time, Horrigan accidentally dropped his laptop in the toilet while Googling the Apple Care replacement policy in regards to human feces.

Elon Musk Quits Government Job to Focus on Improving Animal Crossing Village

BY Nick Coffman

WASHINGTON — Elon Musk is ending his government work to focus on improving his village in Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Musk confirmed his distancing from President Trump as well as his latest endeavor, during a Twitch stream earlier this week.

“Wait, you don’t have enough bells for the house right away,” Musk said to a Twitch chat full of bots and chuds. “This is unrealistic. I should have enough bells to buy this whole stupid island. Who only has one-thousand bells? Why is Tom Nook approving this loan? He’s never going to see the rest of those bells. He’s not even giving me a deadline to pay or get out. Also, why has he employed these little raccoons? Look at all this waste. I bet if he would let me, I could cut down his costs. I could start a department. Call it the Department of Nook’s Goods. I’d run it, for a small bell fee of course.”

The next hour of the stream featured Musk trying and failing in almost every aspect of the game, including a 20-minute attempt to shake apples off of a tree. After wandering about the island for another 40-minutes, Musk finally relocated Nook’s shop.

“There’s no option to gut the inner workings of the store,” Musk said out loud, not realizing that he had accidentally switched to his web-cam only scene on OBS. “Can I fire the little raccoons? Wait, why are they offering me 100 bells for these apples? Fucking morons. If they want to overpay for apples, I have no problem indulging that. I’ll just sucker some villagers into picking all the apples for me. Once I’ve sold them all, I’ll buy the island and Nook will answer to me.”

The stream took a turn for the worst when Musk realized his plan would not work. His eyes grew heavy as he slowly realized villagers would not work for him and he would be forced to pick all the apples himself.

“This is not fun at all,” Musk said as he tossed his controller across the private jet and began to dig through a stack of games. “Why won’t anyone do anything I tell them to do? I say ‘pick apples’ you pick the fucking apples and thank me for letting you do that. I can’t play this game. I need a game where those below me serve my every command. Where the poors aren’t afraid to die for me. There’s got to be something in this stack of games that plays to my every whim.”

At press time, Musk had switched to Pikmin and was finding joy in throwing red pikmin into large bodies of water.

Opinion: But Kevin’s Mom Bought Him a Switch 2!

BY Ben Friedman

Ihave seen much injustice in my short lifetime, but it feels like more than ever we are being screwed over left and right by the powers that be. We are at a pivotal moment in history, where our actions (and more importantly, our inactions) will have a detrimental effect on our livelihoods.

That’s why I stand before you, mother, and implore you to stand on the right side of history because it’s absolute bullshit that you won’t buy me a Switch 2 even after telling you Kevin’s mom bought him one.

This is abject cruelty! Kevin had worse grades than me and he was suspended for pantsing the principal at the pep rally, yet his mom still looked past that and got him one. You know what kind of parent does that? A cool one. And right now you are giving major loser energy which is going to become hereditary if that dipshit is playing Mario Kart World before I am.

OH MY GOD MOM THE SWITCH AND SWITCH 2 ARE NOT THE SAME THING. Did you even watch the Nintendo Direct from March? I sent you the video six times. I’m starting to think you’re completely out of touch with what’s going on. In just a few hours I’m going to be sitting on old tech while Kevin is going to be streaming Cyberpunk 2077 from his bedroom because he’s also allowed to play mature games. Yes, I know that it’s $500 but I have no concept of money and last time I checked being able to buy me stuff was your problem.

I didn’t want to be that kid but you’ve forced my hand. I spoke to grandma yesterday and she told me a very interesting story about how you broke her balls over getting you a Wii because Sarah Kensington down the street had one. So the fact you won’t help me level the playing field against Kevin is wildy hypocritical. How does it feel to become the very thing you hated?

Listen, I’m going to be more than fair here and let you make this my birthday and Christmas present if that’s what it takes. Your negligence is going to drive all the neighborhood kids going to Kevin’s house and I’ll end up a social outcast. Plus his mom lets his friends drink!

Do the right thing. You know you want to play Donkey Kong Bananza too.