Hard Digest June 1: Early Access Pills, Kings of Leon, Bulldogs, and More

Aging Punk Never Thought Taking a Handful of Pills Would Be the Most Boring Part of His Day

By Zack Zagranis

BOSTON — Middle-aged punk Mickey “Goatfucker” Sullivan never thought that swallowing several pills at once would be the most mundane part of his day, confirmed sources.

“I used to get up to some pretty crazy shit back in the day and most of it was preceded by me slamming a fistful of capsules down my throat and chasing it with cheap vodka. Hell, one night I took a Xanny, an Addy, two hits of ecstasy, three or four Percocets, and a tab of acid all at once,” said Sullivan. “That’s the night I got the nickname ‘Goatfucker.’ I blacked out that evening, so I’m not completely sure how I got that name. I hope it’s not exactly what it sounds like. Good times though. Now I take twice that amount of pills every morning but it’s all boring shit like blood thinners, anti-depressents, and some little pink thing I can’t pronounce the doctor gave me for cholesterol.”

Sullivan’s wife expressed her own incredulity regarding how boring her husband’s drug intake has become.

“Goat — I mean, Mickey used to be a madman. He’d eat anything you’d hand him. Pink, yellow, blue, oval, round, he wouldn’t ask about the dosage or anything, just down the hatch. Back in the day we’d go see The Queers at The Rat, and Mickey would be in the pit the whole time taking elbows and not feeling a thing,” said Holly Sullivan. “Now he’s pushing 50 and breaks like a porcelain doll. If he even sneezes too hard, his back goes out and it’s bed rest and Advil for the next two days.”

Sullivan’s primary care provider, Dr. Ken Stuart, says this happens to every punk once they hit middle age.

“I see this all the time. Punks who used to shoot up in the club bathroom now give themselves daily insulin injections. Goths who used to wear gas masks as a fashion statement, now sleep with a CPAP,” explained Dr. Stuart. “Hell, I wouldn’t have graduated from med school without amphetamines. Now I have to drink decaf so my heart doesn’t leap out of my chest. What Mickey is experiencing is nothing unique. Getting old makes boring, normies of us all.”

At press time, Sullivan was strongly considering crushing up his morning medication into a fine powder and snorting it via some “fat rails” out of nostalgia.

Profiles in Courage: Meet the Firefighter Who Has Single-Handedly Been Putting Out Kings of Leon Sex Fires for Two Decades

By Kyle Donley

Rick Stiever is a man of simple means. The unassuming veteran of the Humboldt County Fire Department is a lean, goateed man of 46 years who enjoys his dogs, woodworking, and a good Sudoku puzzle. By the looks of it, he is not the kind of man one would associate with ‘00s-era indie rock or ravenously hot sex, respectively, and yet he has been a guardian angel of sorts for both.

“Look, I wish I had never heard of these Kings Of Leon jokers, but here we are,” Rick told us over Zoom. As the story goes, multiple reports of sex fires started surfacing in early 2009. Initially thought of as a humorous oddity, casualties notwithstanding, a panic slowly started to take shape as more and more reports cropped up across the country. Why were people’s sex on fire? And also, why was there an iPod Mini found at every sex fire site with the Kings Of Leon’s unabashed arena rock sell-out album “Only By the Night” loaded onto it?

“When that damn song hit the top of the charts there was a whole unit dedicated to the KOL Sex Fires. I mean millennials were fucking to that thing like you couldn’t believe,” Rick told us, his eyes tearing up. “Lost a lot of good men that summer.”

A major roadblock for Rick and his team was the lack of research regarding sex fires.
Common side effects of coitus are mostly limited to feelings of pleasure, feelings of shame, chafing, getting the goddamn fitted sheet all messed up again, jizz, and peeing all weird afterwards. But almost never fire. To make matters worse, the KOL Sex Fire Unit was largely comprised of hunky firemen due to their perceived expertise in the sensual arts. However, they quickly learned you cannot fight sex fire with sexy firemen. The result was simply too sexy, causing the fire to get hornier and in turn, more deadly.

While “Sex On Fire” fucking levels have decreased to a much more manageable state, Rick still cannot shake the feeling that more lives are at stake. “All it would take is one millennial couple boning in the woods with a little JBL speaker blasting an ‘09 Fuck Playlist and boom. You know, they still haven’t found the exact root cause of the L.A. Fires, but something tells me one day they’ll find an iPod Mini somewhere in the brush.”

Poser Skateboarding Bulldog Pushes Mongo

By Zachary Wolf

HONOLULU — Local skateboarding bulldog Excalibur reportedly pushes the board with his back legs instead of his front ones like a dork, according to its disappointed owner Kevin Willrick.

“Sure, it’s cool having a skateboarding dog, but why does he have to be such a poser?” said Willrick while browsing the animal shelter’s website for a different dog to adopt. “It’s always been my dream to be one of those guys who owns a dog that shreds, but there is no world that I ever imagined it’d push mongo. I just didn't think it was possible. Plus, I bought him this sweet Hockey board with Ace trucks, and those new soft Spitfire wheels, but all he wants to ride is this ratty old Nash board he found in the garbage, the thing has plastic trucks. I wonder if the adoption center has a return policy.”

Willrick’s roommate Chelsea Van Hogen noticed some troubling patterns with Excalibur in recent weeks.

“I knew something was up when it was a warm sunny day and all the dog wanted to do was play ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater,’” said Van Hogen as she slipped in some of Excalibur’s slobber. “Sure, THPS is fun to play on a rainy day, but this was ideal skating weather and he wouldn’t stop staring at the TV and pawing at the controller. Next day, same idea. Except instead of playing video games, Excalibur just spent the day fingerboarding on some old textbooks I had laying around. It’s almost as if he likes the idea of being a cool skateboarding dog rather than actually being a cool skateboarding dog.”

Razor Scooters founder and CEO Carlton Calvin says he might have something for Excalibur.

“Our company was built on posers that are too lame to ride actual skateboards,” said Calvin while Googling himself. “As a matter of fact, I was a failed skateboarding company executive before I founded Razor. And Excalibur sounds like just the kind of dog we could use on our pro scooter team. He might be the thing that finally brings scooters back on top of the niche transportation and extreme sports markets. Now I’m not sure how a bulldog can ride a Razor exactly, but I’m sure R&D can get that all sorted out.”

At press time, Excalibur was seen ordering $800 worth of clothes from a CCM catalog.

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Jordan Peterson Breaks Down in Tears After Great Owl Asks “Did You Get All That?”

BY Johnny Amizich

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Renowned intellectual and brave culture warrior Dr. Jordan Peterson began sobbing uncontrollably when confronted by the question, “Did you get all that?” by the Great Owl during a recent trip to Lake Hylia.

Dr. Peterson took to social media to defend his tearful response to the seemingly benign question.

“I’ve heard it said that this so-called ‘Great Owl’ is the reincarnation of the ancient Sage Rauru,” Dr. Peterson said. “But I’ll say this much: if he is who they say he is, then the standard of what qualifies one as a Sage in Hyrule explains why we are a culture in decay. Young Hyrulian men deserve a better guardian than this dagger-browed strigiform. I’ll not contract myself to some Faustian bargain with a bird of prey in exchange for telling me what any damn fool could see. I could see the castle on the horizon, why do I need this loquacious fiend to give instruction then have the gall, the absolute nerve to ask if I had ‘got all that’. Yes, I bloody got all that. Do you take me to be such a simpleton as to not be able to follow basic instruction? The coddling of the Hyrulian mind will in the end prove a much stronger threat than whatever performative hysterics the left comes up with about Ganondorf, who is a man in the truest sense of the word.”

Kaepora Gaebora, also known as The Great Owl, said he meant no offense to the unsettled doctor.

“I offer guidance to all would-be heroes traveling Hyrule,” Gaebora said. “When I saw Dr. Peterson approached with his head down and muttering to himself I thought he was just another adventurer who could use a gentle push in the right direction. I never, in my thousands of years of existence, ever encountered someone who reacted so viscerally to a simple question. His entire self-serious demeanor disintegrated the instant he interpreted what I was saying as some kind of insult to his intelligence. I’ve seen Like Likes with stronger backbones. Did you get all that?”

Dr. Peterson uploaded a video in response to Gaebora’s side of the story, appearing visibly shaken with tears streaming down his cheeks.

“And what would you know about backbones, eh?” Dr. Peterson asked between heaving sobs, “I weep for the young men of Hyrule when this is their example of leadership. That is who these tears are for. You are nothing more than a talking sign post with wings. And the direction you are telling us to go is directly toward oblivion and the ruination of Hyrulian culture. This is why you see more and more young men looking to Ganondorf; he offers solutions and not just warm platitudes and asinine lines of questioning. Go to Hell.”

At press time Dr. Peterson was undergoing an experimental procedure at the Lakeside Laboratory to treat his crippling blue potion addiction.