Hard Digest May 31: Early Access Metallica, EPA, and Landlords

Pregnant Woman Weighing Ethical Considerations of Bringing Child Into World Where Metallica Still Releasing New Music

By Steve Packosky

CHICAGO — Pregnant woman Janice Bonder found herself second-guessing her decision to bring new life into a world where popular metal band Metallica was still releasing new music, sources report.

“I actually just listened to their last album ‘72 Seasons’ and I’m growing really concerned,” Bonder confessed. “Is it morally right for me to bring a child into a world where this is almost guaranteed to happen again? I remember vowing to never procreate after hearing the appallingly titled ‘ManUNkind’ off ‘Hardwired…To Self-Destruct.’ I guess I just assumed they would eventually do the right thing and hang it up forever. Now it’s clear that they’ll never stop, and I’m so worried I’m making the wrong decision.”

Bonder’s friend Deirdre Phong didn’t think bringing a child into this world was the right thing to do at this time.

“Listen, if it was 1986, things would be different,” Phong opined. “Metallica had just released ‘Master of Puppets’ and we had no reason to doubt their ability to make great music. But that was decades ago, and Metallica is still going strong despite the fact that they haven’t released a good album since before the Cold War ended. I mean, ‘St. Anger’ was over 20 years ago, so it’s not like this is a new problem the world is experiencing. Janice knows all of this, and still she’s bringing some pitiful soul into this world to hear whatever godawful music they still have in store for all of us. At the very least, she could’ve chosen to adopt some poor kid who’s already been born into our Metallica-poisoned society. If you ask me, this is an incredibly reckless and inexcusable decision.”

Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich didn’t see the issue with his band’s music.

“Metallica has just entered the studio, so watch out,” Ulrich said. “I can confidently say this is the best material we’ve ever written, which is saying a lot considering how good ‘72 Seasons’ was. We just keep finding ways to make better music with each passing year. I know the world is a very dark place with everything going on right now, but metal fans can always count on new music from Metallica to be a rare ray of light. We might even announce another U.S. tour with Godsmack to make the release of the new album even better.”

At press time, Bonder was feeling better about her decision after remembering that it’s not possible for Metallica to do another collaboration with Lou Reed.

Opinion: Repealing EPA Restrictions Will Only Make My Paint-Huffing More Adventurous

By Tim Sheard

My prayers have been answered: EPA restrictions are getting rolled back! This is going to make my afternoon hallucinations so much more wild. Bring those gnarly forever-chemicals home to daddy.

Ever since these safe alternatives have been introduced, my paint-huffing has gotten so damn boring. The high from natural products is beyond weak. When I think back to when I first got started, I was dealing with Papa’s paint from the ‘80s, leftover buckets in a leaning tower at the back of the garage. Those were loaded with a swamp of toxic chemicals, the noxious swill zapping my brain to life. An ethereal mix of hyper-focus and blurred energy that I’ve been trying to recreate since. Maybe we’re all just chasing our own dragon, in some way. Maybe that’s the eternal struggle.

I’m banned from all Dunn-Edwards locations, same with Sherwin-Williams. You have no idea the profiling I experience at the Home Depot. Visits to Kelly-Moore? Not happening any time soon. Sometimes I pay local kids to go inside for me, but even that scheme’s run dry since Gen-Z just stays inside.

Ordering online is the move these days. You know what was a game changer? The Internet, specifically Temu. You can order globby, synthetic paints which, with the rip of a seal, emit a foul chemical odor. A muted plastic stench. It’s heaven. You can feel your nostrils slowly coated with a slick, synthetic layer. But now with these tariffs, I can’t even order my mysterious international acrylic oils anymore. Thanks Biden!

Can you imagine the highs I’ll be getting again? Floating, just floating. I’ll be communing with satellites. I’ll be able to kiss my dead grandma on the lips and leave a paint stain on her glowing angel face. It’s worth it every time, especially with the leftover pigment smeared across my mouth, looking like a fringe ‘Mad Max’ villain. I can lick my cheeks later and get a freebie bump. That’s living, man.

Getting rid of these pesky EPA restrictions means I can buy American again. Finally, supporting a domestic cause. Like a true patriot. A patriot that also happens to be feeling pretty damn groovy from this can of half-dry paint I found in an unlocked garage down the street. Looks like everything’s finally working out for me.

Landlord Raises Rent to Cover the Cost of Never Doing Anything

By Charles Bill

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Local landlord Larry McNulty was compelled to raise rent to cover the ever-rising cost of never doing anything whatsoever, confirmed sources who were already looking for a new place to live.

“It’s expensive sitting on your ass all day,” said the cash-strapped McNulty. “My rental properties only generate $35,000 a month, which is barely enough to cover my house, vacation home, three cars, yacht, and horse stabling fees. If I don’t raise rent, it’s going to become more and more difficult to ignore the maintenance requests I receive. It’s an extremely hard job that I have to do. Sure, I contract out almost everything and still make an absurd amount of money. But with the economy the way it is, I can barely afford my private jet.”

The plight of the landlord did not go unnoticed by his many residents.

“I feel really bad for Larry,” explained cash-hoarding renter and mechanic Tanya Pozner. “I work 10 hours a day, but he’s working 24 hours thinking about which contractor to hire that will do the least amount of work possible. My fridge has been broken for three months. Do you know how hard it is for him to have to see my requests to fix it every single day? If I had to guess, he can barely afford toilet paper and is using my requests to wipe his ass instead. I hope he doesn’t give me my deposit back. Maybe that will help him support his Fabergé egg collection.”

The landlord poverty crisis has become so bad that the government has begun stepping in.

“We want to create a safety net for our country’s oppressed landlords,” said Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Scott Turner. “I am creating a national relief fund that will allow landlords to take no interest loans to cover the immense burden of owning dozens of properties. For too long have they been forced to accept meagre rents in exchange for the hard work of… wait a second. Hold on. Come back to me on this, I’ll figure it out.”

At press time, McNulty broke down crying when he realized that he could no longer afford his daily saffron enema.