Hard Digest May 30: Early Access Prom, Billie Joe Armstrong, Dr. Seuss, and More

Straight Edge High Schoolers Don’t Need Booze to Not Have Fun at Prom

By Reuben Blanchard

SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local straight edge high schoolers recently stated that their commitment to living a drug- and alcohol-free lifestyle will have no effect on their ability to be completely miserable at their upcoming prom, confirmed sources.

“I don’t need society’s poisons to dress up, have a terrible time at an overpriced event hall, and follow it up with immensely mediocre sex that will be both a reality-shattering disappointment and also shape every kink and fetish of mine til I die. I can do that all on my own,” said 18-year-old Josh Michaels. “My friends look out for me like family. Our minds and bodies are free of that shit. I wanna be stone sober when I listen to some DJ in his 40s, who openly hits on the girls in my class, play the worst semi-popular songs from two decades ago, while also trying to sneak in stuff from his mixtape. Just like the X on the back of my hand, I’m not going anywhere. I’m gonna sit through his whole terrible set.”

Prom king and stereotypically handsome quarterback Todd Bretson found their aversion to substances off-putting.

“They’re such nerds,” said Bretson. “The whole point of prom is to get ripped and make terrible decisions. How else are they gonna set into motion events that have severe repercussions well beyond middle-age, negatively affecting their ability to have both healthy adult friendships and sexual relationships until they inevitably take their regret and sadness out on their own underachieving kids, if they aren’t completely shit-housed? Fucking dorks.”

While the majority of their classmates may find the straight edge movement strange, members of the faculty have been very supportive of those students who wish to have an awful experience at prom while sober.

“It’s refreshing to see that some high schoolers fully reject the pull of drugs and alcohol, while also freely admitting that prom is gonna be just awful. It’s very brave of them,” said calculus teacher and prom chaperone Madeline Felton. “I mean, I won’t be sober. How could I be? You think prom is bad as a teenager, try being an adult. I’m watching these kids attempt to convince themselves they are having a good time, when we all know the world is fucked and the planet will only be livable for another 25 years, tops. Am I really supposed to do that without the help of the Captain? I don’t think so. Between you and me, I’m usually a little buzzed while teaching class anyway.”

At press time, Michaels was overheard saying he didn’t need drugs to go into life-ruining debt from student loans.

Yeah Dude, We Know: Billie Joe Armstrong Just Revealed “Longview” Is About Jacking Off

By Tim Sheard

You can’t deny that Green Day’s “Dookie” is a legendary album. Therefore, when we heard that frontman Billie Joe Armstrong had given a tell-all interview regarding its first single “Longview”, we just had to twist an article out of it. To say we were let down when his big reveal turned out to be that it was about jacking off would be a huge understatement. Yeah, dude. We knew that already.

According to the interview, Armstrong apparently thought he was conveying new information by telling his interviewer that he got the song’s inspiration while sitting around in a fit of self-indulgent Onanism. Honestly, how fucking stupid does he think we are? What did he think we thought the song was about, anyway? Golf? Unbelievable.

OK, we suppose we’ll give him the benefit of a doubt. Maybe he thinks people don’t pay close attention to what he’s saying in his music. Smartphones have probably killed some of our innate curiosity with stuff like that, and it’s not like MTV plays “Say What?” anymore. Perhaps we’re being too tough on him, and it’s really not a big deal that he said this in his interview.

Actually, fuck that. He clearly says the word “masturbation” in the song. We take back that last paragraph. How insulting can a guy be to his fans? We’ve been listening to his music for the last 30 years. Well, to be fair, we’ve been casually aware of his music for 30 years. Still, he should be more cognizant of the average intelligence of people who are aware of his music. How out of touch has he gotten over the past three decades?

It’s not like we were expecting the scoop of the century, here, just something interesting. What’s next? Is Vitamin C going to tell us “Graduation (Friends Forever)” is about graduation? Is John Fogerty going to reveal that “Centerfield” is about baseball? For fuck’s sake, dude. Throw us a bone.

Oh well, we guess we’ll just move on from this and try to put more thought into our pitches going forward. Actually, we just read the rest of the interview, and it turns out Armstrong also revealed that “Dookie’s” artwork is a reference to the fall of the Berlin Wall. Goddamnit. That’s much more interesting. We really should have read the entire thing before we wrote this.

Once Obscure Dr. Seuss Book “Oh, The Ways You’re Fucked!” Popular Gift for Graduating Seniors

By Dan Kozuh

NEW YORK — Random House Children’s Books official reissue of the long-dismissed 1991 Dr. Seuss manuscript “Oh, The Ways You’re Fucked!” is quickly becoming the go-to gift for graduating seniors bracing for life in the rent-gouged, atmosphere boiling, politically divided, AI fueled nightmare world of adults, confirmed sources.

“Parents used to give grads ‘Oh, The Places You’ll Go!’ with a nice check tucked inside but kids need to know just how bleak it is out there right now,” said Sharon Delvecchio, Senior Editor at Random House Children’s Books showing the cover featuring a Truffula tree on fire. “This reissue is way more in tune with their vibe—and by vibe, I mean the existential dread that the world is spiraling toward its conclusion…but in rhyming verse. Reviewers have called it ‘delightfully grim’ and ‘enjoyably distressing.’”

However, according to some college graduates, the book may be a bit too honest.

“I opened it expecting whimsy and hope but by page five I was openly weeping into my cap and gown. It straight-up says, ‘Now you have the smarts and that important degree! But there’s no job for you without an unpaid internship, maybe three,’” said Bailey Kim, a recent graduate from NYU, while refilling her Klonopin. “It has these weird creatures like The Leaselock Fox and a town of middle-managers called The Superfluffus. One creature is called The Trumpelbluff—it’s an ominous, amorphous orange blob threatening global domination; which seems kinda’ prophetic for 1991.”

Academic experts believe the new edition will resonate deeply with Gen Z.

“The world has changed. Today’s graduates don’t need to be told they’ll soar—they need to know what to do when their wings are clipped by a third-party gig platform,” said Dr. Mina Rojas, a cultural sociologist at Columbia. “It’s also good the book is mostly pictures considering today’s college graduates only read at a 5th grade level. One page is just the Lorax’s rotting corpse with no words. I mean, the opening lines of the book say it all: ‘Congratulations, I guess, but the world’s a mess. You planned for adventure, to go here, there, and in between—Instead it’s four decades hunched behind a computer screen.’”

At press time, the book’s success already prompted plans for Random House to release “Apollo Global Management Guts The Chocolate Factory.”

10-Year-Old Choosing First Pokémon Trampled by Middle-Aged Scalpers

BY Garry Kerls

LITTLEROOT TOWN — A local child has been hospitalized after his special day was ruined by a swarm of middle-age Pokémon resellers lunging for the last 3 starters in town, our sources confirm.

“I was ready to enter into the wonderful world of Pokémon, but all that changed when the scalpers got in,” said Youngster Joey from the mouth hole of his full body cast. “Professor Birch warned me they’d be lurking in the tall grass, I never expected them to walk right through the front door.”

The incident, originally intended to be a private viewing, was instigated after word spread across the region about the presence of three exclusive shiny Pokémon—Mudkip, Treecko, and Torchic—in Littleroot Town.

“I was gonna give the kid a Pokémon, I really was, but when those scalpers got in and started outbidding each other… I couldn’t pass up some extra funds for my research,” said Birch, the Littleroot Lab Professor, as he polished his brand new PC. “It’s a shame what happened to that kid though, I guess 10 years old is too young for a magical world of Pokémon.”

Youngster Joey’s Mom, who was right next door when it happened, has called on local law enforcement to hold the money-hungry collectors accountable.

“They’re monsters, every last one of them,” she said to local reporters outside the hospital. “I hadn’t even given him his running shoes, I can’t help but think if I had he would’ve been able to get out of the way in time before he got Mufasa’d.”

Both law enforcement and the FCC have taken notice of the recent uptick in tramplings across the country, all being linked to exclusive Pokémon. Poké Mart has already limited the number of value-sized Pokémon boxes to two per customer, but that hasn’t stopped scalpers in the secondary from upselling anybody who wants to enter into the hobby.

At press time, the Pokémon Youngster Joey did end up receiving has been sent back from grading as a PSA 4 due to visible damage and stress.

GameStop Introduces “Pre-Pre-Order” Program for Titles that Only Exist in Concept Art

BY Jacob Albrecht

GRAPEVINE, Texas — GameStop has officially opened new “Pre-Pre-Orders” for games that exist only in concept art, a spokesperson for the company confirmed.

“For years, we here at GameStop have been looking for new and innovative ways to get money out of our customers’ pockets, and into ours, as soon as possible”, said Sheila Vernick, GameStop’s head of sales. “In the video game industry today, there is often a multi-year window between when gamers see that first-look concept art for a new title, and when they can actually give us their money for that game, and we just want to relieve them of that burden as early on in the process as we can.”

Loyal GameStop customers were quick to share their excitement for the exclusive new program.

“It’s just nice to be able to lock in my interest in these games as early as possible”, said GameStop Pro Member Skyler Patterson. “I saw some concept art on a Blender forum for a no-budget open-world action-adventure puzzle shooter. It only had three views, but it looked great, so I went straight to GameStop and they let me pre-pre-order the game for eighty bucks. And in thirty-five years–or possibly never–when that game is finally released, I’m going to be one of the first to play.”

An anonymous local GameStop employee was happy to share with us an insider look on how this program operates store-to-store.

“Yeah there’s not really like a guide or anything that tells us how to price the pre-pre-orders, so I kind of wing it”, claimed the employee. “Usually people just come in and show me some stick figure drawing of Master Chief or a shitty 3D rendering of some knockoff Pikmin game they want to pre-pre-order, and I just use a random number generator to come up with the price. Corporate doesn’t really care as long as they’re giving us money.”

At press time, pre-pre-orders for Grand Theft Auto: Beantown have already sold out.