Hard Digest May 29: Early Access Drinking, Microplastics, Stealing and More

Potassium-Deficient Punk Switching from Steel Reserve to 99 Bananas

By Evan Vest

CLEVELAND, Ohio — Punk stalwart Dave “Mel-Mel” Ryans made the switch from the popular malt liquor Steel Reserve, sometimes known as 211, to infamous liqueur brand 99 Bananas after doctors revealed a startling potassium deficiency, confirmed head-tilting sources.

“The doctors told me my Vitamin P or whatever was really low, but the night before I had done a bunch of whip-its at a house party show and I think nitrous lowers your potassium or something. My homie Scott was telling me something like that I think,” said Ryans. “But anyways, what was I talking about again? Oh yea, nitrous, wait, no, the potassium thing. I started drinking those 99 Bananas from the corner store because I know fruit has a ton of vitamins, especially liquid fruit. Half a bottle a day should get my levels back on track.”

Friends of Ryans expressed excitement for their newfound passion for self-care.

“Mel-Mel’s signature combo is Steel Reserve and Camel Wides, and while it’s a little bittersweet to see that go, I am very excited to see them embrace healthier choices,” remarked friend Daffney Fallwell, while drinking diet Dr. Pepper. “I think it was the right choice and it influenced me to pursue my own forms of self-care. For example, I just blocked my boss’ number and stopped showing up to work, which has done amazing things for my mental health. Either way, I’m happy for Mel-Mel, even though he smells like a banana smoked a cigarette.”

Primary care physician Dr. Kenneth Knudd found himself amazed by Ryans’ ability to adapt their immune system to extreme circumstances.

“Quite frankly, I would go as far as to classify this as a medical anomaly,” Dr. Knudd stated. “The amount of alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, THC, and occasional LSD and cocaine in the patient’s system is enough to lead to serious consequences. But there has been no long-term damage, at least for now. Incredible. However, Dave should really understand that 99 Bananas is a liqueur with artificial flavoring, and contains no actual potassium content. My advice would be to maybe eat an actual banana and to drink a glass of water every few days.”

At press time, Ryans made the decision to switch from Camel Filters to Camel Crush Menthol, after a dentist visit inspired them to have better breath.

What the Microplastics in Your Brain Say About You

By Alex Vlahov

As if the world wasn’t already falling apart, now you can add the microplastics piling up in your brain to the heap of trouble. But nobody said this had to be a bummer experience. Perspective matters. Get to know the microplastics inside you!

Befriend the nearly-invisible cluster of leftover matter nestled into your grey matter. Take confidence and pride in your new free-loading friends. Just like astrological signs or Turkish coffee stains, the microplastics inside your head reveal a lot about you. And I’m talking about the real you, the you “deep down.” Check out our examples below to see what song the plastic in your cranium sings to the world.

Polyethylene terephthalate
Found in synthetic clothing and plastic bottles, having this mixed into your brain means you are a fast fashion icon who’s always “on the go,” turning heads with new constant looks, mostly because the clothes break down after 2 weeks. The consumption from your monthly shopping alone triples the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

Polypropylene
This microplastic is found mostly in food packaging, which means we have a foodie here. You’re a natural-born culinary genius with a flair for the kitchen. And of course by cooking, we mean unthawing processed meals in your oven. You’re a hopeless romantic for “home-cooked” meals, like your family’s secret DiGiorno Pizza prep. The fledgling worms nesting on your fleshy-plastic brain mush will live longer on the processed pepperoni. Thriving!

Polystyrene
Found in foam packaging, which means your love language is gift-giving. It is so thoughtful that you are constantly buying foam-packaged gifts for your loved ones, safely boxed for their convenience. The memories may be temporary but the unboxing runoff of molecular plastic contorting our cells into malignant masses lasts forever.

Polyvinyl chloride
Commonly found in flooring and pipes, this microplastic means you’re a regular working-class citizen that loves getting dirty. Maybe you’re a carpenter, forced to work with shoddy materials purchased at bulk for discount rates. Don’t worry, the additives will make it impossible for you to ever formally draw together any complaints due to cognitive deterioration.

Polycarbonate
Found in CDs and electronics, this means you’re a total tech-head nerd squad regular with entrepreneurial spirit. Congratulations poindexter, guess all your studying couldn’t save you from a billion year decomposition thanks to the microplastics permanently encased in your skull. At least you made some sweet mixtapes along the way.

If you can’t connect with the microplastics in your brain, there are always other options. Perhaps consider moving into a rustic aged house. Perfect especially for an “old soul” willing to try new experiences, as long as they’re willing to put up with a dollop of asbestos and a sprinkling of lead.

Study Finds You Can Just Walk Out of Target With Stuff and You Probably Won’t Get Caught

By Ryan Dondero

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — A new study from the University of Michigan revealed that you can basically just walk out of Target with stuff and you most likely won’t get caught.

“We employed longitudinal, observational, and participatory research design methodologies to evaluate the practical efficacy of Unauthorized Merchandise Liberation (UML) within Target retail environments over an 18-month period,” said lead researcher Monica Carter. “Participants were randomly assigned to one of two cohorts: the first received Enhanced Theft Training (ETT), which included targeted instruction in situational awareness, eye contact mitigation strategies, and strategic tote deployment; the second received no preparatory training. Our findings suggest, with a high degree of confidence, that individuals can, in fact, remove merchandise from Target with minimal risk of intervention or consequence.”

Local punk Burt Mars expressed confusion about why anyone would need to study something so “obvious.”

“I steal from Target all the time,” said Mars. “Like, all the time. My whole week is basically: wake up at noon, go to Target, take stuff, meet up with my girlfriend, then we both go back to Target and take more stuff, get burgers, hit Target again, and then either go to a show, hang at Jinx’s place, or, if we’re bored, just go back to Target and, y’know… take stuff. I don’t even need most of it. It’s just, like, really easy and kinda fun. They should let me be in one of the studies or whatever. I’d be so good at it.”

Dr. Sarah Bundt, a humanities professor at the University of Southern California, has spent the last three years advocating for the formal recognition of Retail Extrication Studies (RES) as an interdisciplinary academic field.

“While this study from the University of Michigan may certainly help, the academy has historically been reluctant to legitimize theft as praxis—and, by extension, as a valid subject of academic inquiry,” Bundt explained, standing beside a whiteboard diagram labeled “Fluidity of Ownership in Monopsony Capitalism.” “I’ve tried. I’ve applied for grants under titles like ‘Kinetic Redistribution Theory’ and ‘Reclaiming the Aisle.’ Still, reviewers keep writing things like, ‘This is just stealing,’ and, ‘It’s already pretty obvious that taking things from Target without paying is easy,’ in the margins.”

At press time, a follow-up study revealed that the same logic likely also applies for Wal-Mart and most definitely Kohl’s.

Spidey Sense Fails To Detect Pyramid Scheme

BY Nick Coffman

NEW YORK — The once amazing Spider-Man has reportedly started moonlighting as a salesman for multi-level marketing company and creator of Cutco Knives, Cutco Corporation.

Residents all over New York were shocked to find the web crawler knocking on their doors last week offering them a chance to sell knives with their very own starter kit.

“Freaking Spider-Man, at my door? It was a dream come true, and then the knives came out,” said Thomas Sterling, a New Yorker still trying to dissect his encounter with the web head. “No way his spider sense didn’t pick up on that scam. Someone must’ve scrambled his brains or something. Maybe the Green Goblin or that fish bowl guy erased his common sense or something.’

Daily Bugle Editor-in-Chief, J. Jonah Jameson is not surprised at all by Spider-Man’s new business ventures.

“Of course Spider-Man is an MLM Hun,” Jameson said before shouting at Bugle photographers and demanding photos of Spider-Man selling knives. “He’s probably also selling Mary Kay and Pampered Chef. His downline is probably filled with a who’s who of masked villains and human traffickers. He’s in cahoots with them all. As far as I’m concerned, if you buy a knife from that menace you should be tossed in the pen with him and all his masked buddies.”

During our investigation we caught up with Spider-Man to ask him about these allegations and why he’s found himself in the middle of a pyramid scheme.

“It’s not a pyramid scheme, you wise guy,” Spider-Man said before jumping off the wall and pulling out a pamphlet. “You see a set of knives, I see an opportunity for us all to rise up financially and be independent businessmen. Aren’t you tired of chasing the dollar? Don’t you want to be your own boss and cut your corporate shackles? You can, all you need is this Cutco sales starter kit, and it just so happens I can sell you one. Normal price is $1000, but since I like you, I’ll sell you this one for $500. So what do you say?”

At press time, Spider-Man had successfully added me to his growing downline which already included The Sinister Six, Venom, and Kraven The Hunter.

Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning Review: Tom Please Send Me a Coconut Cake

BY Matt Fresh

The final installment of the iconic Mission: Impossible franchise, appropriately titled The Final Reckoning, is in theaters now. Is Ethan Hunt’s last hurrah a worthy send off? Yes. Fantastic movie, 5 stars, 10/10, perfect no notes. Cinema is saved again.

Now that the review is out of the way, let’s talk about serious business. Tom Cruise, please put me on the coconut cake list. I love cake. I love coconut. I’ve never had a coconut cake but I bet I would love it. I bet I would love it just as much as you love movies. I know you’re reading this so don’t ghost me. You love movies too much not to read every review to make sure you succeeded in giving the audience the best possible time at the movies. You did by the way. Bravo. All the stunts were worth it.

You want to know what the greatest stunt would be though? The one stunt that would define your legacy as the greatest man to ever be great at everything. It would be sending your famous coconut cake to a nobody online satire writer. Think about it. What rich famous person has ever gone out of their way to give a complete nobody their world famous cake just because they asked? The answer is none. You would be the first and you would be celebrated beyond belief. People would say, “Hey that Tom Cruise is so amazing. He hangs off of airplanes for our enjoyment and sends his famous coconut cake to random comedy writers on the internet just because they asked. What an incredible man.”

Receiving this coconut cake is the greatest honor anyone can receive. I am humble enough to admit that I do not deserve to be bestowed such a gift but I want it and I need it. We’re not so different, you and I. You love making movies and I love watching them. We are two sides of the same coin. You love running in movies and I love watching you run in movies. I am no athlete, I am a mere writer but I once won my 5th grade tack and field by using your running form. Surely that makes me worthy of at least being considered to be added to the cake list.

Everything you do, you do it for us, the audience and we appreciate it. At least I do. If there are a billion Tom Cruise fans, I am one of them. If there are a million Tom Cruise fans, I am one of them. If there are a thousand Tom Cruise fans, I am one of them. If there are 100 Tom Cruise fans, I am one of them. If there is one Tom Cruise fan, it is me. If there are no Tom Cruise fans, it is because I am dead but I know deep in my heart you would never let me die. The Final Reckoning hammers home the fact that Ethan Hunt never let us down. I know you never let us down either Tom. Don’t start now. Put me on that cake list.

Overall, The Final Reckoning is an excellent action film and a fitting send off to an iconic franchise and to America’s greatest action hero. Don’t walk to see it, run. Run like Tom is no doubt running to add me to the coconut cake list. Seriously, please Tom, it’s all I want. I’ll even listen to a Scientology pitch if you want to give me one. Just please send me that cake.

Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning: ★★★★★

My Odds of Getting a Coconut Cake From Tom: ★★★★★★★★★★

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