Hard Digest May 26: Early Access ICP, Helen of Troy, Multitasking, and More

Trump Administration to Cut Much Needed Mental Health Funds for Clown Posses

By Charles Bill

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced plans to cut much needed mental health funds for America’s clown posses, confirmed dope-ass sources.

“They’ve been stealing our money and spending it on Faygo,” said the President. “People are always saying to me, ‘Donald, why does my tax money go to these clowns’ and I know exactly what they mean. This Dark Carnival is very bad, lot of criminals there. And they gather all the time, have you heard of this? They’re laughing at us. Violent J is a personal friend of mine, smart guy. His fans might be insane, but they’d be more insane to think they’re going to squeeze more money out of the American people.”

Although Trump’s language indicated that the funds were being misused, most recipients of them spent the money on appropriate mental health programs.

“I was going to a therapist three times a week, and I almost got to the point of taking off my face paint,” said Tom Shifflet, a Juggalo in the early steps of recovery. “I just want to be normal and mentally sound again, but instead I spend my days listening to ‘Miracles’ and acting like it’s profound. I realize that no sane person would think that Shaggy 2 Dope is a cool name, but I do, and I’m tired of it. Mr. Trump, if you can hear me, please do not cut this program, I just want to listen to Neil Young again.”

The money allotted to mental health for clown posses is not only used to fix current Juggalos, but to prevent further people from falling into Juggalohood.

“If these cuts go through, we will see thousands more start buying face paint,” explained psychiatrist and Juggalo expert Dr. Erica von Neumann. “The Dark Carnival is an alluring concept, and it will pull in more Americans than ever. I’ve had multiple patients who I’ve been able to talk out of attending the Gathering of the Juggalos and have now moved on to living relatively normal and fulfilling lives. Without this money, I’m afraid that they will be permanently lost.”

At press time, Trump reversed course on the cuts after a “very productive meeting” with Violent J.

The Next Helen of Troy? This Bartender and Line Cook Are Fighting Over the 19-Year-Old Hostess

By Ben Friedman

Few mythological tales are as legendary as the epic battle waged between the Greeks and the Trojans over the kidnapping of ancient civilization’s Sydney Sweeney of the time, Helen of Troy. Lots of lessons can be learned from the tale, the main takeaway of the story though was that Helen was so maddeningly beautiful, thousands of men were willing to fight a ten year war over whose house she was going to live in.

And if myths truly are parables that help us understand human nature then it should help explain how Emily Brown, the 19-year-old hostess of suburban Applebees has become the next Helen of Troy ever since the restaurant’s line cook and mid shift bartender have been waging war over her affections.

It’s no secret that Emily is considered the most beautiful employee here. And according to the restaurant group chat, her looks are even coveted as far and wide as the Chili’s down the road. And that fact has not gone unnoticed by Kevin, the afternoon bartender, and Mike, the veteran line cook, who have been angling to be seen with her after work since the minute she arrived for orientation.

“Last week I finally agreed to hang out with Mike, but I guess Kevin intentionally comped him a drink with Ex-Lax in it. And while Mike was shitting his pants in the employee bathroom Kevin invited me to see his friends show, and now I can barely walk five feet without one of these idiots nearly getting in a fist fight to ask me out at the same time. It’s 3 pm on a Tuesday, like calm down.”

It’s hard to tell who will come out on top when they are so evenly matched as well: both are ten years Emily’s senior, own cars with more than 200,000 miles on the odometer, and have either dated, been in a situationship, or had an awkward one night stand with several previous hostesses. However, Mike does have a slight advantage here due to the fact that he can operate a microwave and rthermalizer while Kevin has already burned his two strikes for comping drinks to underage co-workers. It’ll all come down to which guy Emily can see herself lowering her standards for. But being that she’s the face that launched a thousand (unsolicited) dick pics, it’s likely she’ll be settling to call HR first.

Man Claiming to Multitask Actually Just Making a Lot of Different Mistakes at the Same Time

By Amber Hendrix

RICHMOND, Va. — Local Project Manager Bart McDonnell claimed recently to have discovered the Rosetta Stone of productivity, dubbing himself a “multitasking magnate,” despite just making a ton of different mistakes simultaneously, confirmed sources.

“People think you have to wait for some golden moment of focus to be productive, but we’ve evolved beyond that,” McDonnell said while checking his SkyBet account, mixing a protein coffee smoothie, and sending a text to his boy Nate about getting fucked up. “I’m not looking over my shoulder for a saber tooth tiger while I’m making a fire. I’m answering emails during a meeting, editing a project pitch, drafting tomorrow’s to-do list, and checking in with my boys in the groupchat. Let’s fucking go! Oops, I sent that text to my boss.”

McDonnell’s live-in girlfriend Amy Dixon is not convinced.

“Bart is distracted to the point that he cannot finish anything. He calls himself a mogul or whatever but I know that he’s had several bad performance reviews at work recently. Mostly for making really obvious mistakes. I hate to put him on blast, but he even lacks the focus for physical intimacy,” Dixon said. “I’ve suggested couple’s therapy, but Bart always says he has to check his calendar, then ends up scrolling Reddit while listening to All-In. Sometimes I don’t think he’d notice if I moved out.”

Cognitive Psychologist Chelsea Hughes studies the effects of multitasking at the University of Richmond and cautions against the practice.

“The allure makes sense, we’re all being pulled in so many directions,” Hughes said while inputting data for a Chi-squared test. “But research shows that multitasking comes at the cost of reduced productivity and performance. Despite all our advancements, sequentially focusing on tasks remains crucial to optimal outcomes in complex environments. As much as playing ‘Gears of War 2’ while filing your taxes sounds appealing, we assure you it always ends in tax fraud and three to five years in prison.”

At press time, McDonnell was fired from his job for what he called “creative differences” and was the focus of an IRS audit, but planned to take advantage of the unexpected free time by traveling cross-country in his 2014 Honda Accord, saying he does some of his best problem-solving while driving.

Panicked GTA VI Developers Realize They’ve Just Remade “The Simpsons: Hit & Run”

BY Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — Grand Theft Auto VI developers at Rockstar Games panicked when they realized the game they had been working on for years was just a remake of 2003 action-adventure game The Simpsons: Hit & Run, sources report.

“How did we let this happen?” Developer Garrett Porter wailed. “We’ve each been so deep in the weeds that there was no way to see that we’ve just been holistically recreating a Simpsons game that’s over 20 years old. My team only focused on steering mechanics, so I’ve never even caught a glimpse of what the game looks like until now. When I saw the player character on a mission to collect cardboard tubes for Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel, I knew we had a problem on our hands. The game is scheduled to come out in less than a year at this point, so we’re just going to have to go through with this and hope nobody notices.”

Gamer Selena Morris reacted to the news.

“Oh wow, I was wondering why I haven’t seen any  gameplay footage yet,” Morris said. “I guess there should have been more communication between people writing the story and the actual developers. It’s just crazy that they’ve been working on the game for years and they’ve only just now realized this. I was really looking forward to GTA VI, but now I guess what they’re working on will have to do. It’s been a long time since I played The Simpsons: Hit & Run, so I guess it’ll be cool to revisit it.”

Video game expert Darnell Johnson provided his insight on the ordeal.

“This is what happens when games are this ridiculously in-depth,” Johnson provided. “The developers are so siloed in their respective specialties that there’s no real oversight on how the game is progressing overall. I would have said there should have been a greater focus on management, but honestly, somebody should have noticed something was awry when Dan Castellaneta was brought in to voice the main character.”

At press time, the developers also noticed that every GTA VI radio station was playing the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater soundtrack.

DEA Busts Cartel Attempting to Smuggle Nintendo Switches

BY Amity Gilmour

EL PASO, Texas — The console wars entered their next stage earlier today as the Drug Enforcement Agency announced it had busted a cartel attempting to smuggle Nintendo Switches into the United States.

“Americans can sleep easy tonight,” said ASAC John Balls. “Thanks to the efforts of our brave operatives, we’ve put an end to one of the most lucrative, evil enterprises ever conceived. No, I’m not talking about privatized healthcare. I’m talking about some two-bit gang trying to dodge import tariffs on Japanese gaming consoles.”

The raid had taken place in a warehouse at the United States/Mexico border, resulting in several DEA casualties and an estimated $29 million in property damage.

“It was a brutal fight, but we pulled through,” John Balls continued while showing photos of several bloodied Nintendo Switch 2 boxes. “Those Yakuza types thought they could get around paying this president? I don’t think so. Turns out the DEA does what Nintendidn’t. Show blind loyalty to a fascist regime.”

Reactions to the raid have been mixed, with current polling suggesting a 87/13 split in favor of criticizing the DEA’s actions. Some American citizens were approached for comment.

“Thank the lord,” said Tammy Janesbeer. “I don’t want to live in a world where my child gets their hands on a tariff-free gaming console. Who knows what kind of woke, satan-ass content they’d load that thing up with?”

With the prospect of violent gangs threatening the youth of America, Nintendo was quick to address the situation.

“That wasn’t a smuggling operation!” Doug Bowser exclaimed in a terse phone interview, “They shot up a delivery truck containing Nintendo Switch 2 pre-orders! They blew up one of our fulfillment centers! We paid those tariffs! What in the ever-loving Lava Land hell is going on over there!?”

At press time, the DEA announced they’d be teaming up with ICE to steal consoles directly from American citizens.