Hard Digest May 13: Early Access Sonic Youth, Gruel, Wikipedia, and More

Sonic Youth Announce Reunion to Bully Nardwuar Again

By Mimi Kenny

NEW YORK — Local noise rock band Sonic Youth announced they were reforming 13 years after their dissolution, specifically to taunt and harass beloved Canadian interviewer Nardwuar the Human Serviette as severely as they had in 1991, confirmed uneasy sources.

“Though the end of my and Kim’s [Gordon] marriage resulted in the end of our band, after more than a decade apart, our connection as artists has been reignited,” frontman and lead guitarist Thurston Moore said. “And no album of ours, not even ‘Daydream Nation,’ has demonstrated our collective creative power as us acting as conceited as possible towards an eccentric Vancouverite with a camcorder and a shitty mic before veering into physical harassment. We were just 30-something kids back then. But now, even with middle-age well behind us, we have not lost touch with the self-conscious aloofness and discourteousness thinly disguised as being ‘counter-cultural’ that made us Gen X icons.”

While a Sonic Youth reunion has long been anticipated, the specific nature of this reformation has yielded mixed reactions among fans.

“I have the ‘Goo’ artwork on three different shirts. Hell, I even own two of Lee Ranaldo’s albums on vinyl. So, yeah, I was pretty stoked to hear about this at first, and I can’t wait to see the reunion interview,” long-time fan Brent O’Reilly said. “And while I can understand the motivation to look upon one’s past work for inspiration, I’m not sure why this is the chapter they’re choosing to revisit, and not say, ‘Dirty’ or even just the ‘Bull in the Heather’ video. Oh well, at least it’ll be better than ‘NYC Ghosts & Flowers.’ I mean, probably.”

After news broke, Nardwuar admitted to feelings of “confusion and exhaustion.”

“We had our second interview in 2002, where I got to confront Thurston and Lee while they pretended they didn’t remember what happened,” Nardwuar said. “It’s been 23 years since that interview and I’ve mostly put the whole thing behind me. I’m still gonna do it, mainly because I have something that’s gonna blow Steve Shelley’s mind when he sees it, assuming Lee doesn’t destroy it first. I just hope they don’t resort to wedgies this time.”

At press time, Sonic Youth also announced that, to appease fans, the bullying would be accompanied by a continuous loop of guitar feedback.

We Taste-Tested These Gruels Because We’ll All Be Feudal Serfs Soon

By Nathan Kamal

America is in the middle of some pretty big changes right now, which you might have missed if you don’t follow the news or didn’t see the ICE agent kicking in your door right now. Trump’s tariffs are raising prices on virtually all products, according to everyone who doesn’t work for him and/or is attempting to bring about the end times, and that includes your favorite groceries like fine sardines and Choco Tacos.

We’re all going to have to tighten the belt and adjust to the future, by which we mean our inevitable feudal serfdom under the brutal heel of Google, Alibaba, and whichever DOGE teenager seizes power over the eastern seaboard in the next couple of months. And just like serfs of medieval times, we’re all going to be choking down various gruels for the rest of our lives, so we figured we’d get ahead of the curve and taste-test them for you and your various descendents in squalor!

Mush: We decided to start things out easy, because we still have lingering memories of Tostitos and name-brand cheese products being affordable. A nice lukewarm mush made of millet, cracked wheat, dust bunnies, whatever the fuck a groat is, and purina, boiled to hell and slopped into a bowl to give us enough caloric energy to make it through yet another day servicing the murderbots of Archduke Tim Cook really isn’t that bad. Could use less weevils in it, though.

Oliver Twist-Brand Grey Slurry: Next up, we tried the Oliver Twist-brand grey slurry, the most popular foodstuff to ever come out of the United Kingdom. While we exactly say we wanted “more,” we could see how this is the kind of bubbling muck that will put you right for another day in a Dickensian workhouse or maybe just to pick a pocket or two. When in doubt, choose the gruel with the famished, sad-eyed orphan on the box!

Whatever’s Steaming in This Pot: When the last bulwarks of modern society collapse in a couple of months and forgetting your Real ID at home means maximum security torture prison, even store-bought gruel will be a luxury. That’s why we tested whatever opaque, semi-fluid substance is steaming in this pot right now and being stirred by what we can only describe as a “cyber-crone.” Remember, if we had just paid attention to the lessons of the Magna Carta, we wouldn’t be choking down something that we’re pretty sure had rocks in it.

Commandant Burgleboil’s Supper Leavings: While most of us will end up penal serfs laboring in the great iPhone fields of New Arkansas, there will be a few lucky ones who manage to end up in charge of the other Indentured Citizens©. Thanks to the good ol’ trickle-down theory, that means that we’ll be able to take cover near Commandant Burgeboil’s headquarters and lick the remains of his protein-infused gruel off his garbage. 3 out of 5 stars.

Cream of Wheat: No, that’s just too fucking disgusting.

Wikipedia Once Again Asking for $1 in Exchange For Teaching You Everything You’ve Ever Learned

By Rachel Hein

SAN FRANCISCO — Free online encyclopedia Wikipedia known for its convenience, comprehensiveness, depth, and reliability on every subject known to man has mustered the nerve to ask for one whole dollar from its users as a donation, confirmed sources.

“It’s true, I had to close a little box where they were begging for my pocket change before I could read an article on inventors who were killed by their own inventions.” remarked Alice Walsh, an avid Wikipedia user. “Wikipedia has written every one of my school papers since 2005, and I have my masters. I don’t know how anyone knew anything before it existed. Were they all just dumb? It has been nothing but factually correct, helpful, and free for me. But I just can’t seem to bring myself around to donate 100 pennies to it.”

Monica Bart, who serves as a top “Wikipedian” volunteer editor, believes in information access as a free public resource, yet also fears “Wiki crime” is on the rise.

“Do you understand the work it has taken to clean up the slums of Wiki?” Bart exclaimed. “The pages I monitor are constantly being vandalized by strangers with disruptive—often vulgar—edits. Day and night I fight to protect them from becoming a wasteland by these internet scamps, and I don’t see a dime. It is my responsibility to protect and to serve. The least you can do is donate a buck for learning about the origins of high-fiving and a cat mayor in Alaska.”

Brent Wiseman, CEO of the Wiki Foundation, speaks to the difficulty of managing a self-governing online ecosystem used by everyone and paid for by no one.

“I have no idea how we got this far, in this way. However, we would like to have some money now,” Wiseman reported. “Our business is run completely on the goodwill and hyperfixation disorders of complete randos out there. I really have no idea how this place runs, but it’s been too long for me to ask. People have always trusted me because of how I look and I can’t ruin that by asking questions. Regardless, we have other stuff we need money for that you don’t know about. Just trust me, okay?”

At press time, Wikipedia had no choice but to start a GoFundMe page and set the goal to $15.

Kind of Weird: Silent Hill’s Red Robin Still Fully Operational

BY Steve Packosky

SILENT HILL — Notorious ghost town Silent Hill contained a fully operational location of popular burger chain restaurant Red Robin, puzzled sources report.

“People tend to be surprised when they come across our establishment,” manager Todd Morgan said. “But I’ll tell you what’s not surprising: the consistent quality and competitive prices they get the second they walk in. This is a place that offers not just a great meal, but a complete experience that goes far beyond thick, juicy burgers and delicious fries. There’s a reason we’ve always got a full house here, and it’s not just because the Happy Burger closed after its owner was devoured by a Lying Figure.”

Silent Hill visitor James Sunderland was not expecting to see an active Red Robin in his journey through the town.

“Yeah, I really didn’t think I’d come upon a Red Robin,” Sunderland admitted. “I’ve got to admit, though, that I was happy that I did. It’s hungry work being plagued by living manifestations of my own guilt as I’m searching for my deceased wife, and it felt really good to relax and order a Jalapeño Heatwave Burger and a Mango Passion Lemonade. I’ve been feeling pretty down ever since this lady Maria I just met was killed by a jacked monster with a huge knife, so this is just the boost I need before I go back out there and get tortured by my own demons again.”

Economist Ernesto Wiggum weighed in on the situation.

“This is the least surprising thing I’ve heard all day,” Wiggum offered. “American corporations are the most craven institutions on the planet, so of course they’re not above opening locations in gutted communities from horror games. Have you not seen the Subway in Raccoon City? Or the Dollar General in the Boston QZ in The Last of Us? Horrifying towns where we’re haunted by bloodthirsty monsters used to at least be a reprieve from the capitalistic hell we all occupy, but unfortunately that’s no longer the case.”

At press time, Red Robin was offering endless fries to all Bubble Head Nurses to thank them for their service.

HBO Greenlights Crossover Event “The Last Week Tonight of Us”

BY Garry Kerls

NEW YORK — In an attempt to synergize their Sunday night programming, the Home Box Office network has greenlit a “Talking Dead” style recap show hosted by Last Week Tonight host, John Oliver, our sources confirm.

“We’re excited to announce the combination of two of our most popular programs,” said HBO CEO Casey Bloys during a The Last of Us season 2 press conference. “We thought, ‘why keep producing original content when we could just squish two already successful things together?’ It just makes sense.”

The new Last of Us post-show taps comedian John Oliver to host a 30-minute info dump on the scientific intricacies of fungal networks, the history of militia in times of revolution, and silly tangents about what a hunk Pedro Pascal is.

“I guess Chris Hardwick was busy, or maybe he got cancelled, I don’t really know,” said Oliver in an interview with Access Hollywood. “I’m just happy I get to sit behind a desk and lecture at the audience, it’s pretty much the only thing I can get hired for nowadays.”

The show’s conception was motivated by an increase of Google and Youtube searches requesting explanations, synopses, and recaps about The Last of Us season one.  HBO executives found their audience leaving their platform to seek out information that the video games hide in NPC conversations and collectable artifacts. 

“It’s your one-stop-shop for all things The Last of Us,” said the show’s producer Benjamin McNally. “Whether you want to know what CDs Joel has in his glove compartment, or what the backstory of that giraffe is, we’ve got it all on The Last Week Tonight of Us!”

At press time, the show’s set has been revealed to be identical to the Last Week Tonight set with the only differences being the background city skyline is in flames, and the audience is full of clickers.