Hard Digest May 11: Early Access Excuses, Oasis, Motorcycles, and More

Middle-Aged Man Wonders If He’s Already Given His Best Excuses Not to Go to Friends’ Show

By Nathan Kamal

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local 42-year-old Mitch Hensley, a self-proclaimed supporter of the Portland scene, is concerned that he has already given the best excuses he will ever come up with to not go to his friends’ shows, sources confirmed.

“I’ve gotten to the point in my life where you just start to wonder if you’ve accomplished everything that you’re ever going to do or, rather, not do,” Hensley said while ignoring a text from a friend he had promised to get drinks with “soon.” “When I was in my 20s, I could come up with multiple excuses not to see a buddy’s band’s basement show at the drop of a hat. I could spend hours just free-styling excuses, like ‘my great-aunt has rickets and I have to organize her hat collection’ or ‘I think there’s some kind of rat or rat-like creature in my car,’ just jam out those excuses. Now, whenever I try to come up with a good but completely untrue reason why I can’t come to a show, I’m empty. I guess my best years are just behind me. I’m not the excuse hotshot I used to be.”

Adriana Packhurst, a longtime acquaintance of Hensley’s, had little sympathy for the aging scenester.

“Mitch is always moaning that he doesn’t have any ‘creative spark’ left in him,” Packhurst said. “Even though he won’t shut up about how his AI-generated Misfits posters are ‘digital freespace art,’ despite them primarily just seeming to be about the Crimson Ghost throwing a beach party. I’m not exactly sure how he’s connecting his inability to come up with a decent excuse why he won’t get his ass off the couch with the divine impulse to produce something of worth, but honestly, it’s been years since anyone even invited him to a show, so I don’t know what he’s worried about.”

Behavioral therapist Martha Carter says that middle-age often causes individuals to lose faith in their ability to produce new excuses.

“A midlife crisis can very commonly cause people to question their greatest strengths,” said Dr. Carter. “Particularly when your greatest strength is being a flaky dick who can’t be bothered to support a local scene, like Mr. Hensley. It is likely that he will continue to descend into a death-spiral of doubt and increasing nostalgia for his lost ability to let down his friends, which all could have been avoided if he had just shown up at a house show every once in a while. Loser.”

At press time, Hensley was also starting to suspect that his days of pretending to skateboard were behind him.

Opinion: Since It Wasn’t Written And Recorded In France, It’s Actually “Sparkling Wine Supernova”

By S.L. Neechski

There is a lot going on in the world right now, but there is one issue that I think people need to be focusing on more than anything. It’s not climate change, it’s not the atrocities perpetrated by corrupt governments, it’s the fact that the Oasis hit song “Champagne Supernova” should actually be called “Sparkling Wine Supernova.” I shouldn’t have to explain this, but there’s a difference between champagne and sparkling wine. Yes, champagne is sparkling wine—like that turn of expression about how all rectangles are squares but not the other way around—but it’s a special kind of sparkling wine. See, champagne is sparkling wine that comes from a particular part of France—that is, the Champagne wine region of France.

Last I checked, “(What’s the Story) Morning Glory?” was recorded in Wales, the Welsh wouldn’t know champagne from toilet water. The fact that anyone allowed Oasis to write this song without forcing them to change the name is a crime against humanity that cannot be forgiven.

Champagne is known for being bubbly and easy to enjoy, while Oasis are known for being grumpy and only enjoyed by people who need to manufacture an intelligent persona.

That reminds me, I was at a friend’s cocktail party recently, they had just returned from a two-week trip to the UK, so of course the playlist was entirely Britpop. “Champagne Supernova” started playing, and I got so angry that I kicked the air conditioner out of the window. It landed on a cyclist and now he’s threatening to sue me. Well sir, get in line. My wife has already got me wrapped up in litigation for child support payments, and since those kids don’t return my calls, I don’t feel the need to pay for their food and clothing.

The judge assigned to my case said he’s going to have me institutionalized if I don’t stop talking about my campaign to get Oasis to change the name of the song. He must work for Oasis’ record label or something, because there is no reason for him to silence me unless he has something to hide.

Come to think of it, our next family vacation was supposed to be visiting the Champagne wine region of France. I wanted to teach my family about being high-class and get them off those bullshit hard seltzers. Sure, they might be easier to drink, but they’re for sorority girls, like my daughters, and stay-at-home moms, like my ex-wife.

Forward-Thinking Motorcycle Dealership Offering Discount Caskets with Each Purchase

By The Hard Times Staff

CHATSWORTH, Calif. — Lucky Luke’s Powersports, Southern California’s number one motorcycle dealership, announced a new package that includes huge savings on a casket with each new bike purchase, sources confirmed.

“We don’t have a lot of repeat customers here. Our demographic is mainly young men who buy a brand new Kawasaki Ninja 650 on a Friday, and die in a horrific accident by Sunday. We can’t buy the bikes back because they are always smashed to shit, so we brainstormed and came up with the idea of offering premium caskets with each purchase,” said lead salesman Tony Cortez. “The promotion didn’t get a lot of traction at first, but then we started selling these things like hot cakes. We started showing everyone who walked in the door the statistics of how likely they are to die in a motorcycle accident, and now almost every bike we sell has a casket add-on. These consumers may be reckless drivers who fly down the highway at 150 miles per hour, but they aren’t stupid.”

New motorcycle owner Andy Babayan admits he was hesitant about the casket deal at first.

“I crunched the numbers, and I’m not going to find a casket this cheap anywhere else. My plan is to die of old age in 50 years, and this casket will be waiting. When I told that to my salesman he spit out his coffee laughing, and said something about how I’ll be lucky if I live the next 50 days if I ride this bike more than once a week,” said Babayan. “When I told my mom I got a motorcycle she started crying and immediately got on the phone to start making funeral arrangements. But you know what? Dying young is worth it if I die in a cool way, like flying 75 feet through the air and smashing into the back of a dump truck.”

Local craftsmen are overloaded with work to fulfill casket orders.

“Luke’s takes pride in the caskets they sell. You aren’t going to be buying some pine box that will be lousy with worms eating your corpse in less than two days. No, you are getting a mahogany masterpiece that is hand-crafted by some of the best casket artisans in California,” said carpenter Jake Lobel. “And the upholstery on these things is magnificent. I hope everyone gets to see inside these things before their loved one dies, because you won’t be able to see the ornate craftsmanship of the inside because every motorcycle accident funeral is closed casket.”

Thanks to the popularity of the casket discounts, Lucky Luke’s Motorsports decided to offer a paid mourners package to make customers seem more popular at their funerals.