Hard Digest April 17: Early Access King Diamond, Cigarettes, Democrats, and More

King Diamond Hoping Nobody Notices His Latest Concept Album Just the Plot of “Hocus Pocus”

By Steve Packosky

COPENHAGEN — Prolific metal singer King Diamond hoped nobody would notice his eponymous band’s new concept album “Infernal Curse” followed the same plot as the 1993 children’s fantasy film “Hocus Pocus,” sources report.

“I entered the studio with a great idea for a story,” Diamond said sheepishly. “It dealt with three witches from the 17th century who were resurrected after a virgin lit a black candle on All Hallow’s Eve, and the efforts to stop them made by a man they had cursed into being an immortal black cat hundreds of years ago. It wasn’t until the entire album had been written and recorded that it came to my attention that this had already been done in a quirky Halloween movie in the early ‘90s. I was pushing 40 at the time, so how was I supposed to know? The only thing I can do now is go forward with the album and hope nobody notices the several references to Sarah Jessica Parker.”

King Diamond fan Patrick Clark the lyrical content of the new album sounded familiar.

“Hell yeah, I’m so pumped for a new album from the King!” Clark exclaimed as he opened his preorder of the CD. “It’s been 18 years, so I can’t wait to hear Andy Larocque’s signature neoclassical shredding and those classic falsetto vocals again. It’s also great that their albums are primarily concepts, because I love a good scary story. I was reading the Wiki on this one while waiting for it to arrive and it seems vaguely familiar to me. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I felt like it was something I already knew. Eh, whatever. I’m sure it’ll come to me eventually.”

Metal culture expert Zara Daeng provided her opinion on Diamond’s oversight.

“This is actually more common than you’d think,” Daeng offered. “Heavy metal deals with notoriously dark and evil subject matter, and these themes tend to be much more prevalent in children’s movies than one would initially believe. Take a look at all the needless and preventable deaths of children in ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,’ or children being trapped in paintings until they die in ‘The Witches.’ It’s entirely understandable that a metal band could borrow these ideas without even realizing it.”

At press time, King admitted that he had omitted the cover of “I Put a Spell on You” from the record’s final tracklist, as he was worried it would give him away.

Opinion: If We’re Going To Ignore Years of Medical Research, We Should at Least Make Cigarettes Healthy Again

By Holden Klym

Look, I’m not one to complain. For the past sixty years, I’ve been a proud American who’s enjoyed exactly two things: my freedoms and my smokes. Science took both of those joys away from me. Now that modern medicine isn’t real, I have one request: let’s bring back the golden age of cigarettes.

Think about it: if we’re learning that vaccines are a government conspiracy, seat belts don’t work, and drinking raw milk straight from the cow is safer than what’s on store shelves, then why are we still acting like smoking is bad?

Back in my day, doctors prescribed a pack of Camels for a scratchy throat. I used to be able to light up in a hospital room without the nurse asking me to stop blowing smoke in my newborn’s face. Now my kid can’t go buy me a pack until he’s 21? There’s no point in even being a father.

Nowadays everyone is “tobacco-free” and in therapy. These younger generations are all hooked on SSRIs when they should be solving their issues with a Newport and a lighter. Take mental health out of the health industry and put Big Tobacco back where it belongs. Let’s put a Surgeon General’s warning on nicotine cessation products that says, “You’re embarrassing your grandfather.”

Men need role models that will teach ‘em how to roll their own cigarettes at a young age to avoid succumbing to the so-called masculinity crisis. This never happened when we had the Marlboro Man. You think he worried about his lung capacity? No, sir. He lit up, took a deep drag, and kept being a damn American. He didn’t go to drag shows and complain about the environment, he polluted the world as much as he saw fit. Let’s remind today’s youth that a real man doesn’t sip kombucha — he breathes in pure, unfiltered freedom.

So, until we start treating cigarettes with the respect they deserve, I refuse to quit. My body, my choice, right?

Scientists Confirm Democrat Lawmakers’ Spines Are Softest Naturally Occurring Material on Earth

By Frederick O'Brien

BOSTON, Mass. — Scientists confirmed that Democrat lawmakers’ spines are by far the softest material on the planet, and quite possibly in the known universe, confirmed sources who didn’t have any follow-up questions.

“We didn’t think it was physically possible for anything to be so flimsy,” said lead researcher at MIT, Dr. Helen Klovitz. “The findings have been truly remarkable. They failed every single one of our strength tests. We had to invent more and they failed them too. The most incredible thing is their readiness to crumble. Most spines collapsed before experiments even began, many while they were just filling out the preliminary paperwork. The mere possibility of external pressure being applied was enough for them to preemptively give way. In fact, we found that jellyfish are far more durable than Adam Schiff’s spinal column.”

Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer, found curled up in the fetal position under his office desk, dismissed the findings as propaganda.

“Clearly this study was orchestrated by Russia. Or Joe Rogan. Or Bernie Sanders. Or voters who aren’t smart enough to see how brilliant we are. Quite possibly they’re all in cahoots with each other,” Schumer mumbled while his bones were audibly liquefying. “The important thing at this historical moment is to continue to oppose President Trump and the Republicans by giving them stern looks of disappointment and occasionally waving a clenched fist behind closed doors. This will set us up well for the midterms.”

Independent voter Alice Womble took a moment from screaming into a pillow to share her experiences trying to get in touch with local representatives.

“I feel stuck,” Womble said. “When I call my local Democrats’ office I get a pre-recorded message saying, ‘The Republicans are in power, call them.’ When I call my local Republicans’ office they just kind of laugh maniacally. Is there not some space between snivelling cowards and assholes with a death wish? I just want the minimum wage to be raised and healthcare for all. And it turns out, Democrats are evolutionary challenged to put forth meaningful laws or fight for anything.”

At press time, research had moved on to whether Republican lawmakers’ hearts are the hardest naturally occurring material on earth.

Weapons Merchant Just Invited You to His Improv Show

BY Garry Kerls

RURAL SPAIN — Deep in the catacombs of a believed to be abandoned castle, a mysterious cloaked figure pedals weapons, ammunition, and flyers for an improv show that guarantees a hilarious night of comedy, our sources confirm.

“Oi, stranger! What’re ya buyin’? What’re ya sellin’? And what’re ya doing Thursday night?” The cockney arms dealer said as he exposed numerous interior pockets filled with weapons and props. “Take this flyer mate, the shows got a two drink minimum but give them this and they’ll bump it down to one.”

The flyer advertises an “Infectiously Silly” night of Improv. Featuring long-form, Harold style improvisational comedy from local troops, with special guest monologist, Sam Reich.

“It sounds like a nightmare!” said one tourist who accepted a flyer as a common courtesy. “I’m here for one thing, to save the President’s daughter, I don’t have time for a comedy show.”

The surprisingly boisterous comedy scene in the Spanish countryside has taken a toll recently. The farmers and village peasants have stopped filling seats, and venues have had to consider different forms of entertainment.

“Stand-up nights just aren’t popping like they used to,” says one club owner taking a chance on an improv show. “We used to cut sets short every other night with a surprise drop in from Louis C.K., now we’d be lucky to sell half the door.”

The weapon merchant’s improv team – which consists of him, the Minecraft Wandering Trader, Tom Nook, and Beedle – have been practicing for weeks, doing icebreakers and playing zip zap zop.

“It’s really been good for my mental health,” the merchant told our sources after doing a scene as JFK in a spaceship made of nipples. “I spend my entire day in a wet, dreary, dungeon. Sometimes I won’t talk to another living person for days. It feels really good to be silly from time to time.”

At press time, the improv show has been cancelled due to a mass outbreak of the Las Plagas parasite.

Theater Crowds Overpower National Guard As Military Deployed to Quell Minecraft Movie Chaos

BY Hard Drive Staff

The second American Revolution has been incited by none other than Warner Bros’ Pictures Minecraft movie. Somehow, in some way, a capitalistic corporate cash grab has inspired an uprising of the proletariat against the ruling class. Scores of theatergoers across the country have violently overwhelmed police blockades, SWAT teams, and entire precincts, prompting the federal government to enact martial law and mobilize the National Guard on U.S. soil.

“People are saying flint and steel, flint and steel. I’m all for more flint and steel being mined here, but these radical Marxist Minecrafters want to ramp it up to flintlock and gunpowder,” President Trump remarked in a White House press conference. “They probably worship Jack Black, Jack Hack’s what I call him, because he’s got a big bushy beard like Karl’s. We can’t let this get too carried away, folks! Otherwise, I’ll have to impose a 1025% tariff on box offices. We love figures ending in odd numbers, they have a more threatening ring to them, don’t they?”

However, the efforts to clamp down on the anarchic reactions and responses to A Minecraft Movie have ultimately proven to be futile. Working class theater patrons across America have coalesced to form ruptures in the country’s balance of power, with nothing left to lose but their popcorn buckets. As pixelated chickens have overtaken Luigi hats as the predominant video game-themed symbol of revolt, one figure has emerged as the voice of the rebellion, Gen Alpha’s very own Spartacus, a 12-year-old iPad kid named Steve.

“We have the numbers to flip over every 5-0’s cruiser, we have the numbers to flip every GI’s Humvee, to topple every tank in every platoon!” Steve declared in a rousing speech outside Hollywood’s famous TCL Theatre. “We have the numbers to quash one of the world’s largest standing armies, to crush the elites under the weight of their fat pockets, and wield their own tools against them. To destroy this Goliathan giant like the Chicken Jockey destroyed Jason Momoa in the ring. We have the numbers to seize the means of production from Notch, and we all deserve a piece of that neckbeard’s pie!”

It’s believed that millions have taken to the streets so far, amassing in unison to proclaim that they are Steve. Upon being asked to comment on the nationwide movement inspired by the movie inspired by his video game, Markus “Notch” Persson’s reaction was one of confusion.

“I’ve been too busy being alone in my estate and shopping for new fedoras to keep up with the news. News that isn’t filtered and spun through the QAnon accounts I follow, that is. I outbid Jay Z and Beyonce for this mansion, but it still hasn’t bought me any fulfillment!”

At press time, the casualties on both sides of this ongoing conflict are unknown.