Hard Digest April 4: Early Access Guitarists, Storage Wars, Domestic Terrorism, and More

Guitarist’s Pre-show Warm Up Mainly Just Texting “No Worries” to All the People Who Aren’t Coming

By Wilson Conkwright 

WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. — Local guitarist and noted pushover Jackson Ermine revealed his customary pre-show ritual consisted of letting everyone he invited know that it’s alright they’re not coming, relieved sources confirmed.

“Yeah, usually I stretch a little, run through a few scales and finger exercises to get the blood flowing, and then I take three or four hours to text back ‘no worries’ to the few dozen friends saying they aren’t going to make it tonight. I’d just feel ‘off’ without that, y’know? Gets me in the proper headspace,” said Ermine, not looking up from his phone. “And sure, I could just send out a mass text or an Instagram story saying it, but they took the time and energy to let me know personally that they wouldn’t be watching me pursue my dreams and passions, so why should I give them any less. It’s a matter of respect, their total lack of respect for me.”

Many of Ermine’s loved ones have gone on record saying blowing off his gigs is a mutually beneficial situation.

“It might seem like we’re being fair-weather friends by standing him up show after show, but trust us, it’s just making him work harder. I think it makes him play better and better each time” said Ermine’s PetSmart coworker Teona Gazzariti. “I say ‘I think’ because, again, I’ve never actually attended one of his shows, and likely never will. But I’ll be damned if I ever forget to let the guy know I won’t be there. The hope he has up for me and all his other friends coming is the only hope he’ll have…who am I to dash them by quietly letting him go about his night none the wiser? I’m not an evil mastermind.”

T-Mobile analytics liaison Harriet Bellflower attests that “no worries” texts create the bedrock of total texts worldwide.

“At any given minute of the day, there are an average of 46.1 musicians worldwide texting their friends ‘that’s cool, next time’ before they play a mostly empty bar show. It’s just solid data.” said Bellflower, as she received one herself, as if on cue. “In fact, and this doesn’t leave this room, if people started showing up for their buddies’ performances, it would single-handedly bankrupt every cell phone company and conglomerate into oblivion, with no hopes of rebuilding. Luckily, it’s clear that will never happen. I’m blowing off three rock shows, a zine-release, and a pot-luck/poetry reading as we speak. At the end of the day, we’re only human.”

At press time, Ermine was frustrated to find that everyone he texted followed up to say they’d be free to get wasted somewhere after, though.

The Next Storage Wars? This Guy Is Fighting Ten Other Dudes To Live In a 10×10 Cubesmart Unit

By Ben Friedman 

If you’ve even visited your parents on a weekday afternoon or waited in a doctor’s office, chances are you’ve seen A&E’s hit show “Storage Wars”, which chronicled the exploits of professional resellers bidding on the contents of abandoned storage units. And boy, would these folks get heated trying to outbid each other on units of old wrestling action figures.

Though it’s been off the air for a few years, an exciting reboot is taking place at a CubeSmart in San Bernardino. If you hurry you can see local man Josh Humphry fist fight ten other guys for the right to live in an empty 10×10 CubeSmart unit.

“I overheard a hot tip at the Greyhound station about a vacant unit at the CubeSmart next to the Arby’s. I got there as fast as I could because I know that location has no security and you can easily smash off the padlocks with a hammer. But not even two minutes into prying it open with a crowbar, here ten other guys show up each claiming it’s theirs. I’ve been priced out of every apartment within a 100 mile radius, and I’m not giving this up without a fight.”

This isn’t a battle for someone’s junk, but for free housing! And without a mediator, film crew, or any legal standing this is shaping up to be the most exciting storage unit acquisition since that “Storage Wars” episode when David Hester outbid the whole cast on five units in a single sitting. The biggest difference though is the guys Josh is up against are weidling tire irons.

But why the desperation? Apparently the unit was abandoned when its previous owner died and left a twin mattress behind. Hell, even if it’s empty, what could be better for squatting in? Now that’s something you can’t sell on ebay.

“Half of these guys probably don’t even need this storage unit, they’re just looking for another vacation home or something! They can fight over the pod cubes down the road, I already brought rug to put in this one dammit.”

Sure, none of this is sanctioned by the state of California, but then again the state isn’t exactly doing anyone favors in the affordable housing sector which is why Josh is bashing people’s faces in with a brick he found laying around so he doesn’t have to sleep on a bench.

Now that’s entertainment!

Sex Worker Who Laughed at Elon Musk’s Penis Labeled Domestic Terrorist in Latest Trump Executive Order

By The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — Local sex worker Jasmine Lawler is facing years behind bars after being labeled a domestic terrorist because she burst out in hysterical laughter when her client Elon Musk undressed in front of her, sources confirmed.

“I’ve known some other women that have kept him company and they have told me he’s usually an easy payday. They said he normally lasts less than a minute, but you have to sit there for a few hours while he tries out new jokes, talks about building his own child army, and yells at photos of his dad,” said Lawler from her prison cell. “But nobody warned me about how weird his penis actually is. It looked like a wad of bubblegum covered in fur. I honestly didn’t understand how it was actually going to get inside of me, I couldn’t help but laugh. That was my downfall, he called Trump right then and there and now I might spend the rest of my life locked up.”

Tesla CEO, and head of the Department of Government Efficiency, says this should be a warning to all his future sexual companions.

“Yep, so, um yep. You either um, get the brains like I have, or you get a large, uh, um, phallus. But listen, I refuse to be humiliated by this. All my future sexual partners will be required to applaud when they see my uh, um, penis. I’ll have my bodyguards watching their facial expressions and if they see any signs of disgust then the woman will be put straight in jail,” said Musk. “But there is also good news. Every week I’ll be giving away a million-dollar check to whichever sex worker cheers the hardest when they see my uh, um, cock. This will incentivize these women even more, and maybe one of them will be lucky enough to carry my seed.”

First Amendment experts fear what the Trump administration might do next.

“It’s well-known that every man in Trump’s orbit is only able to procure sex through transactional means. Sex workers in Washington D.C. report being busier than ever, but they also say they are self-medicating more in order to dissociate. But if these hardworking men and women are being locked up for involuntary laughter then anyone can be thrown in jail,” said James Saxton, a lawyer based in Virginia. “Hack comedians who call the president orange could face fines, people making fat J.D. Vance memes will be outlaws. Free speech as we know it is on the line.”

At press time, a Christian Nationalist group responsible for fire bombing multiple historically Black churches in the South were invited to the White House for a dinner celebrating the idea of patriotism.

Cappy Transforms Into MAGA Hat After Mario Stumbles Into Staten Island Portion of New Donk City

BY Steve Packosky

NEW DONK CITY — Mario’s sentient sidekick Cappy transformed into a MAGA hat to fit in after the pair found itself in New Donk City’s Staten Island borough, sources report.

“I knew something was off when we got on that orange ferry,” Cappy admitted. “We had been looking for a manhole cover to get to the city’s power source, and we definitely took a wrong turn. As soon as we got off the boat, all the New Donkers were draped in American flags and shirts with Donald Trump’s mugshot. Even the Power Moons had the Thin Blue Line design on them. I could feel us sticking out even more over there, but luckily we fit right in after I turned into a MAGA hat. Mario started getting high-fives from everybody we walked past, but I still couldn’t wait to leave.”

Resident Vinnie DelVecchio commented on what he had seen.

“I was headed over to Key Food for some Funyuns when I saw this little chubby guy running around bouncing off people’s heads,” DelVecchio commented. “At first, I was ready to punch his fuckin’ lights out ‘cuz we don’t do that here, but then when he got close enough for me to see his hat I knew he was a good guy. Turns out he’s a plumber, and I hope his business is doin’ well now that Crooked Joe Biden is out of office. I was about to tell him as much, but he turned into a power line or some shit and just zipped off.”

Mayor Pauline was dismayed when she heard about Mario’s experience.

“I really should have closed that ferry until Mario ships out,” Pauline lamented. “We’re going to have an absolutely gorgeous concert once he fixes the power source, and now he’s only going to remember the most embarrassing part of New Donk City. At least I was able to successfully quash the Staten Island president’s effort to have Kid Rock play the festival. That would’ve been an absolute disaster.”

At press time, Cappy had transformed himself into a knit beanie after Mario wandered into New Donk City’s Williamsburg neighborhood.

I Convinced My Wife I Bought the Leisure Suit Larry Complete Collection So I Could Write This Article

BY Dan Katz 

When I saw that Humble Bundle was selling nine Leisure Suit Larry games plus artbooks and soundtracks for just $7, I had to jump on it. No brainer. The 80’s version of me would never forgive the current version of me if I didn’t. One problem though: even though I’m a grown man and can do what I want, I still have a wife and kids and pervy comedy games aren’t exactly family entertainment.

So, I convinced my wife that I bought the Leisure Suit Larry Complete Collection so I could write this article.

Even though Hard Drive pays the talent exactly what we are worth, I am still going to make a slight profit off of this, which was a bonus when I made my case to the missus. But mostly, I leaned on her support of my love of video games and writing.

“I’m so proud of you Danny. You’ve always admired Hard Drive from afar and now you get to write articles for them,” my wife said, unaware that even the EGA depictions of cleavage in Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards still get me going. “I know these games can be raunchy, but it’s all just research so you can keep living your dream.”

What I’ll ask of you at this point, my valued reader, is to just keep reading, to look like you’re really enjoying this bit of satire. That way, my wife won’t be suspicious when it’s 2:00am and I’m trying to bed Passionate Patti in the third installment of the series. Here, I’ll even include another quote to keep up appearances:

“My Dad told me Leisure Suit Larry was an 80’s classic. It’s incredible what entertained horny gamers back before the internet,” recounted my 16-year-old son, who has never seen the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.

Ok, here she comes. Give me a little chuckle right…now. Good, good, she just asked if my article got another like on Twitter. Maybe give it a share on Facebook – my wife will definitely see that. Now let’s cement the ruse with one more quote.

“Ew, these games are gross. This was actually popular in the 1900’s?” questioned my daughter, who is becoming more and more thankful she’s about to escape to college. “Is my parents’ marriage ok? Why would my dad want to play these games? Ironically, I hope.”

At press time, I realized I may have purchased the Leisure Suit Larry bundle just to keep up the bit.